Best Racist Party Ever

Ended up going to a "White Party" on the beach, organized by some friends. I have to admit I was rather skeptical about the whole idea, but never understimate how good most people look in all white clothing. Also never underestimate how sloppy most people will get after drinking in the sun for hours on end.

Here are a few shots from the event:

He's A Maaaaaniac

Reason #437 not to drink so much -- you may end up drunkenly agreeing to attend a funk dance class with two of your female colleagues.

We ended up in this class at 7.30pm last night, when all I really wanted to do was go to sleep early. But I had promised, and someone was picking me up, so I went along. And had the best time EVER.

Don't get me wrong, I was a complete tragedy, flailing around and screwing up almost every single move. However, fun was had by all, and I was mostly in hysterics for the entire hour.

I don't think I will be hired as a backup dancer anytime soon though. Except maybe by Britney. She needs people to make her look good right now.

He's So Lucky...He's A Star

Most people who know me generally regard me as a lucky person. While I have a couple of areas where I can't seem to get a break (notably, gambling and dating), things generally seem to "work out" for the most part. Examples include being laid off from a job and hours later getting a significantly better job offer from another company, or perhaps recklessly moving to the other side of the world and getting a job I could never have gotten otherwise. I personally think it has more to do with the way I look at life, but every now and then something happens that makes me think people are right.

It could be something small, like how last week my swimming goggles broke in the pool, and moments later I found an abandoned pair sitting on a bench near my clothes. (No, I did not steal them, I swear they must have been there for at least 12 hours.)

Or it could be something better. I've spent the last few weeks trying to plan my week in India around New Years. Between that and a week in France around Christmas with my mother, it looks like this trip will cost me around $7,500. Or maybe a little less.

You see, I called up an airline to book the last leg of my trip, from New Delhi to Sydney. To make a long story short, there were technical difficulties, and the airline and my credit card company had to sort a few things out. But eventually, the ticket was processed and delivered.

So imagine my surprise last week when I received my credit card bill, and the flight was charged to it...and then credited back. I quickly checked to make sure my ticket was still valid, which it is. And as a result, I am trying to hold onto the hope that I have just been given a $1,500 airline ticket for free.

I'll stop bragging now, but I had to share my potential joy. And I promise I will post an update here if I find myself stranded in New Delhi in January without a return ticket.

Another Weekend, Another Bender

I really did mean to blog on Friday, however my afternoon ended up something like this:

12.30pm - Headed to a farewell lunch for a coworker and was extremely proud of myself for declining to drink, since I had one more client meeting to go to.

2pm - Attended client meeting with one of my team members in tow. Felt very good about how productive it was.

3.05pm - Got into a taxi and told the driver to take us back to the office.

3.06pm - Told the driver we had changed our minds and would prefer to head to the pub, where some of our colleagues have been since lunchtime.

8.30pm - End up wasted at a karaoke bar with colleagues. Sing a Backstreet Boys song as a duet, and sing "Baby One More Time" with one of the designers acting as backup dancer.

1am - Stumble into bed.


Saturday was one of those days when you wake up and can't even think about drinking, but of course end up on your way to a pub by 3pm anyway. That night involved a Spice Girls dance routine performed by a construction worker, a fashionsta, and two Energizer bunnies, so yeah, it was just a little bit awesome.

And Sunday involved Chinese food and a viewing of The Nanny Diaries before fighting off invitations to drink even more. I went home and even stopped off at the supermarket with the intention of cooking myself dinner, however I later found myself with only enough energy to dial Pizza Hut and pass out while drooling on myself before 8pm.

Needless to say, I am never drinking again until tomorrow.

Like Yeah, Totally Dude

I've just finished a 2 day training course here in the office - something to do with consulting techniques. I'd be a little more sure if I hadn't ended up sitting across a table from the poster boy for Attention Deficit Disorder who, apart from looking like a surfer who may have washed up in the harbour outside earlier in the week, has to be the most distracting individual I have ever encountered. He would either be tapping the table, staring out the window, or saying things that made me wonder if he was drunk or high at that very moment. (How he got a job with my company is a true mystery.)

My personal favorite random surfer dude comments:

"What does your hair look like if you grow it out?"

"You know that band that Native Americans wear on their heads, with the feather in it? Where do you think I can get one?"

"I'm having a party this weekend. Wanna come?"

"What kind of music do you listen to? Do you know that song by the fat black guy?"

"I think there's cupcakes over there."


His chosen moments to interject with these completely unrelated and irrelevant comments and questions always coincided with our group activities where we were supposed to be solving a business problem, which generally left us looking like complete morons when it was time to present back to everyone else.

At one point I actually asked him if he could come and sit with my team for just one day, since I'm often accused of being the most distracting person they have to deal with, and I think a little perspective would improve my standing in that department.

And now I have one hour to catch up on two days of work, and I am so not prepared for any of my client meetings tomorrow. Thanks, dude.

Polishing My Halo

This was one of those glorious weekends where I miraculously managed to behave myself while everyone around me seemed to be making complete asses of themselves. (This incidentally also makes me kind of want to get smashed and join the club, but that will clearly have to wait at least a couple of days).

Almost all of the mess occurred on Friday night. It started with a couple of fantastic quotes from our creative director, who had just claimed that she's fine when she drinks champagne all night, which drew a few incredulous looks from myself and a couple of colleagues in hearing distance who can all remember at least one or two instances that would serve as evidence to the contrary.

I had just said I wished it was easier to embarrass people in the office, and she responded with "Well, not to sound un-PC, but there are so many dark people in the office it makes it hard to tell!" This was followed by her saying to someone else "I know you're not supposed to say this, but I just don't like Aboriginal art." Which isn't that bad in itself, but it was all about the drunken delivery. (I also love when people start comments with "Not to sound un-PC...", cause you know it's always gonna be comedy gold.)

She finally headed to leave and ended up getting lost trying to find the exit and walking through a bush in order to finally make it out of the bar. Fantastic.

But that was nothing in comparison to the stories I heard this morning (since I was a good boy and headed home around 10). First, there is Bug, who apparently just started throwing up at the table my coworkers were all sitting at. She then outdid herself when one of the directors came to give her some napkins and she vomited all over his hand.

Think that's the worst that it can get? So did I. Until Abs arrived in the office and told us how according to someone else (since he doesn't remember himself), he was seen leaving the bar with some girl he had just met around 1am. He then woke up at 5am in a random backyard in the Sydney suburbs. But it gets better. He went back to sleep, and woke up 2 hours later and saw the laundry nearby and started washing his shirt since it was covered in stains. When the owner of the house found him and asked him why he was there, Abs simply responded with "I'll just finish washing my shirt, and then I'll leave." And then walked home, which took about an hour.

Sorry for all the italics in those last few sentences, but it was really the most subtle way I could come up with to convey how ridiculous this all sounds, despite it being true. I make jokes about waking up in random gutters or back yards, only because I didn't think it actually happened to anyone (with the possible exception of Margot Kidder), so I think this story might win the Asshole Award for 2007.

Then again, I still have almost three months to lodge another entry in that competition...

Attack Of The Killer Insects

Wow, I am getting really bad at this whole blogging thing. Such are the side effects of taking my job even a little seriously.

There wasn't much to tell from the weekend. Due to my ridiculous Wednesday night and then mandatory binge drinking on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I ended up having a very quiet long weekend. Thought I'd probably say one highlight from Saturday, between all the filthy jokes and the karaoke, was probably Fosse revealing that she had two vibrators and some strange sex costume-looking sort of thing in her bag, but refusing to tell us where she was going. How mysterious. And somewhat disturbing.

Otherwise, this week has been somewhat terrifying for me. I thought I had noticed a few large moths here and there, but decided it was just a random occurence. Hence my horror on Wednesday morning when I awoke to the massive shadows of mutant moths fluttering against my window blinds. I was barely able to eat breakfast that morning as a result.

And yesterday morning, I went to a client meeting at their offices on the 23rd floor of their building, and walked in to see that their usually beautiful view of the city was obscured by about 20 of these disgusting creatures, that had somehow gotten in through the air vents. I had to sit at the other end of the table.

This morning was the last straw though -- I didn't see any moths, and went to slide open the door to my balcony, only to have about 5 of them fall into the apartment and start fluttering around. This lead to me shrieking for about 10 minues while trying to hit them with last weeks Time magazine and then clean up the dead bodies.

I've been told by several people that this has to do with the recent weather and something about migration patterns, which really makes me want to just punch them in the face, because really, couldn't you be killing some of them instead of explaining all of this to me?

And once they're all gone and dead, we will head into fly season, and then cockroach season, the thought of which makes me wonder if I'd rather risk being shot by a drug-dealer in the Brooklyn ghettos than have to put up with this nonsense. We'll see how long I last...

Blind Leading the Blind

Someone found my blog today by googling "i stopped drinking how long until my liver works properly".

Sweetheart, all I'm gonna say is that you're definitely looking for answers in the wrong place.

Other ones in the past day include:

"how do you say sorry to a friend after a night of drunken stupidity"
"too drunk to go home"
"drunk texting regrets"
"crackheads"


Proper blog post coming soon...

Would You Like Fries With That?

Due to my painful hangover yesterday, I only lasted until around 8pm last night before I had to say goodnight to my colleagues so I could go home and die.

That ended up being rather tame compared to several people I know. Apart from Murphy calling me at 5am to let me know he was just getting home after a night out with his own coworkers, Mickey easily takes the cake by nonchalantly telling us about how he ended up drunk at McDonald's around midnight, got into an argument with the cashier, and ended up throwing his hamburger at the manager. I didn't realize people who weren't homeless crackwhores did things like that. Nicely done.

Since I've been feeling pretty good about life today (thanks to a good night's sleep), I decided splitting a bottle of wine with Katie Tay at lunch couldn't hurt. Now it's almost 5pm, I'm sitting at my desk with a beer in my hand, and completing my career plan, which I feel can only possibly improve if written while I'm intoxicated. Something tells me I'm not making firm partner next year...

Drunk Logic

Met up with Sesame for "a drink" yesterday. We decided that since we were both drinking white wine, we may as well get a bottle. Then of course one of us had bought the first bottle, so we had to let the other one buy another bottle so we'd be even. Of course then Paddy showed up and had to get another bottle.

A few beers after that, we were all drunkenly ordering pizza on Oxford Street, after meeting a guy who claimed he "fixes cigarette lighters for a living". Sorry, I wasn't aware that was a full-time job.

So now I'm at work the next day, and I have to squint to make out what anything on my computer monitor says.

And there are work drinks tonight...

All Out Of Excuses

Despite all my apologies, it seems that I'm getting worse at updating this thing on a regular basis.

Not much to tell at the moment, however I will try and give a few tidbits of the weekend.

Friday night was a quiet one, as planned. I had a few beers in the office as usual, and since there's a recruiting focus for our company this month, people are expected to get up and tell stories about successful recruiting.

So one of the directors got up and told a story about how last year they'd had a lot of trouble finding an experienced project manager, and finally someone came along, and it was me! So I was very flattered and she talked about how great I've been. But of course...she couldn't let me get away that easily. Finally she got to the end of her story, and she said "It's Zander. He's perfect. Just ask him." Which led to everyone in the room laughing at me for five minutes straight, since I'm pretty much known for sitting around in the office talking about how awesome I am in general. Ah well, comes with the territory, I say.

Saturday was a little more eventful. I made last minute plans to meet friends for lunch, and of course we decided we should order a bottle of wine (since my lessons from last week clearly didn't stick). Around 11 hours later I was staggering home from a trashy bar shoving NY-style pizza into my face and drunk texting anyone I could think of.

And so Sunday was all about recovery. I cancelled plans for lunch (god knows where that would have left me) and only left my apartment to buy food for dinner.

Now it's Wednesday, I've been mostly sober since the weekend, and to make up for that I have plans to drink every single day from now until Monday (it's a long weekend). Pray for my liver.

I'm Not Dead

Sorry I've been so crap at updating this week -- work has actually picked up again, and looks like it might be riding me hard for a few weeks at least.

I'm not even sure I have good stories for you. Tuesday night was Katie Tay's birthday and that was a good time, although the conversation was probably too filthy for me to print anything here. As a matter of fact, we're pretty sure the couple at the table next to us finished their meal a little faster because they didn't want to hear it anymore.

Speaking of Katie Tay, she probably had the best "Do you remember..." story from last Friday night. It went something like..."Do you remember stopping by my house on the way home? And as you left and I shut the door behind you, you opened my letterbox and yelled 'I CAN SEE YOUR VAGINA!' before finally leaving." I don't, in fact, remember doing that, but I think I'm hilarious.

And that, my friends, is the reason tonight will be a quiet one.

Zander Style

Despite going into the weekend without any real plans (or maybe because I went into the weekend without any real plans) I essentially ended up drunk for 48 hours.


FRIDAY

It all started when my coworkers and I agreed to "grab a drink" at Martin Place Bar. Four hours, too many shots, and more than a little dancing later, we all piled onto a bus and decided to have a massive sing-a-long to "Always" by Bon Jovi before heading off for more booze.

Around that point we all split into smaller groups, and to be honest I don't remember much of anything. My conversations the next day mostly consisted of the following:

Friend: Oh wow, I've never seen you that drunk before.

Zander: Uh huh.

Friend: Do you remember [insert embarassing incident here, e.g. spilling a whole beer on my new jacket?]

Zander: Uh...no...

Friend: Yeah well...it's okay.


SATURDAY

Woke up with the most horrific hangover I've had in a while. I tried everything to get over it. There was water, there were pain killers, there were showers and naps, and I still felt like I might prefer death. So I went with the only other option -- I met up with friends at the Dolphin and started ordering bottles of wine at 2pm.

Around 10 hours later we ended up at Juice's apartment, where he made the fatal error of falling asleep while we were still there. Leading Murphy to suddenly yell "Let's rearrange all of his furniture!"

As Juice retells the story, he woke up around 6am for a glass of water, went to look at the microwave to see what time it was, and instead saw a painting. (We had placed the microwave on top of a wardrobe, which we had moved to the opposite side of the room). A good time was had by all. Except Juice.


SUNDAY

The second hangover is never quite as painful as the first, so late on Sunday morning Murphy and I actually went back over to Juice's place to put things back where they were supposed to be, and have breakfast.

I actually avoided having any more beer until around 6pm, and even then only managed to have one and a half with dinner before heading home to sleep and try to feel human on Monday morning because I had to spend 5 hours assessing potential interns. Hopefully they didn't take the yawning personally...

I Hope The NAACP Doesn't Read My Blog

Me, on Tuesday night:

I hate watching the news in this country. They report on the dumbest little things. I mean, come on, I realize this is a small country and not THAT much happens here, but there's got to be something you can do about it. You know what you need? More guns. That would liven things up a little. Definitely more guns. And black people.

(I am so gonna get in trouble for that last part. But come on, it was a joke!)

Drunk and Trashy in Vietnam

Oops, I've actually had these for a few days and forgot to post them here. Anyway, if you're interested in seeing how we made a mockery of what could have been a very cultural and educational holiday, click here to see my photo album from Vietnam, complete with obnoxious captions for each photo.

Note the severe lack of cultural sites for someone who spent a whole week there. But if you need any hotel, restaurant or bar recommendations, I'm your man.

Nothing To Report

Had a very nice weekend (mostly spent up in Newcastle, about 2 hours north of Sydney) and plenty of fun, however I don't think I've ended up with much bloggable material.

There was a moment on Saturday night when I thought I saw a lesbian midget, however it turned out to be a 9-year old boy and my hopes were dashed.

Anyway, there's a potentially major boozer planned for tomorrow night, which happily coincides with my 1-year anniversary at my job, so maybe I can drum up some mischief to keep you all entertained.

Overheard In My Office

Over lunch...

Colleague #1: I just had the best idea. We should have a jar in the office for one day, and every time Zander talks about himself he has to put a dollar in.

Zander: Excuse me...

Colleague #2: Ha, I love it. That would be so funny!

Zander: Um...

Colleague #3: Oh my god, that would totally pay for the next quarterly event.

Zander: I'm sitting right here!

Colleague #1: Yeah, we know. So will you do it?

Zander: [leaves the lunch table]


Bitches.

Dear Mr. President

You know, it's bad enough that "President" Bush continually ruins the lives of poor and middle class Americans day by day, and even murders civilians in third world countries whose names he can't pronounce. But now he's crossed the line. He has personally inconvenienced Zander. Has he no shame??

It's APEC week here in Sydney. For those who don't know, APEC stands for Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation or something along those lines. And since these sorts of things tend to attract protesters, rioters, and various other hoodlums, it means that half the city has been shut down and 10 foot high fences have been erected throughout the city. This morning I had to get off my bus and walk an extra 20 minutes to work because the bus simply couldn't go any further. And tomorrow I have to come into work for a few things, but now have to fear for my safety because they have scheduled "Corporate Disruption Protests" directly outside my office building. How wonderful.

The only good thing to come of this is that everyone in the Sydney CBD has Friday off, by government mandate. To celebrate, Sydneysiders are throwing numerous "APEC Parties", in this case standing for "Alcohol Pot Ecstasy Cocaine". Since I don't partake in 75% of those substances, I'm actually planning to be out of town for most of the weekend, but I'm sure I will hear some good stories.

"It's [Zander], Bitch"

Sorry, I have once again neglected the blog. However things are finally getting back to normal, so I will do my best going forward.

Vietnam was all kinds of awesome and included all of the necessities of a great vacation -- good food, cheap drinks, awful dancing, and a really really horrendous night of karaoke. But the pictures will tell a much better story, so I'll work on those this week and try and get them out in a couple of days.

I've vowed to go on no more overseas trips until Christmas, so I'm hoping this will be a very settled few months of my life. I may even start focusing on work one of these days instead of blogging and listening repeatedly to the new Britney Spears song, which is the explanation for my vapid title today.

Still Jet Setting

Before anyone thinks I've forgotten about the blog, I wanted to post a quick message to say that I'm actually in Vietnam for about a week, so I probably won't update for a little while.

Me and three friends have been in Saigon for a few days, which has been awesome. Mostly consisting of eating, drinking, shopping for fake crap (I am the proud owner of at least two fake Lacoste shirts already), not to mention all the drinking by the rooftop pool at the hotel. It's actually around 1pm here and I'm already a bit tipsy. Rock on.

This afternoon we're hopping a flight to Nha Trang so we can relax for a few days at a beach resort. Because being drunk in Saigon has been oh so stressful.

Anyway, worst case scenario will mean I don't update for another week. Hang in there. I am sure there are more drunken idiots out there blogging that can hold you over in the meantime. I firmly recommend Vicki, if she isn't country hopping as well. And forgive me if this post seems a bit rushed, but Blogger seems to assume that because I am in Vietnam, that I actually read Vietnamese, and all of these funky characters are giving me a headache.

Jetlagged

In keeping with the apparent pattern of countries I have either just left or will soon be arriving in being hit mb hurricanes, tsunamis, and various other natural disasters, Jamaica was hit by Hurricane Dean this past weekend. I assume that my family is fine, as usual, so I will just be happy that this happened on a weekend other than the one that I was on the island.

Unfortunately I spent most of the daylight hours of the weekend sleeping, as I've completely given in to a bad case of jetlag from that trip. At this point I'm not sure I will bother getting over it, as I'm off on another overseas holiday on Thursday, this time to Vietnam. It was still a good weekend though. The brief recap:

FRIDAY

I actually had to leave work at 4.30 so I could go home and take a 2-hour nap before heading out for drinks. The night ended up being the usual silly entertainment, although the Trashbag Award definitely goes to Juice, who had given his brother (who was visiting from out of town) his house keys and ended up locked out and sleeping in a friend's car for the night. All the more entertaining because I often refer to him as homeless, and for a night, he actually was.

SATURDAY

I managed to remain awake for around two hours in the late morning on Saturday, before going back to bed and waking up just in time to meet friends for dinner.

We then headed to the Opera House to see Katie Tay as a member of the choir in Carmina Burana, which easily qualifies as my dose of culture for the rest of 2007.

I then headed off to Dome Bar for my cousin Emma's 21st birthday celebration. Although no one here can properly explain to me why turning 21 makes a difference in a country where people have been legally allowed to drink and do everything else since they were 18 (and have probably been drunk since around 15), it was a great time and included an open bar, which is always a favorite of mine. Around 2am "the kids" all headed off to keep partying in the Cross and I went home for more much needed sleep.

SUNDAY

Since it was pouring outside, I spent the day between the couch and the bed, once again sleeping most of the day. If only I could get away with that during work today...

Jamaican Me Crazy

Sorry about that. Couldn't help myself.

Anyway, I will admit that I'm not feeling that inspired, but here are my learnings from my trip to Jamaica (via LA) over the past week or so:

• It probably wouldn't kill me, just once, to start packing a little more than 20 minutes before I'm scheduled to leave for the airport
• LA is still a good time for short periods of time. Namely, 12 hours. And only because Bella was showing me around. Otherwise, I will still never understand why anyone chooses to live there.
• Thank god Air Jamaica makes it so easy to upgrade to First Class/Executive Business Class. Having said that, apart from bigger seats and better food, this really just means you don't end up sitting with the goats and chickens in the back.
• A 4-hour layover in any airport is painful. A 4-hour layover in an airport without air conditioning or most first-world amenities? Excruciating.
• Apparently when my father and his bride advised that it would be a "simple, casual country wedding", this description included 270 guests and renting out what resembled a small castle near Port Antonio on the north coast. Obviously.
• Keeping to form, I was advised that I would essentially serve as best man (carry the ring, walk down the aisle)...about 4 minutes before the ceremony was meant to start. I will simply be grateful that I wasn't expected to come up with a speech.
• No matter how many times I return to Jamaica, I somehow get a sunburn every single time I go there after saying things like "Eh, it's pretty cloudy...I'm sure I'll be fine." Here's hoping I remember this for the next trip.
• Even after paying to upgrade on the way back to LA, Air Jamaica was no help whatsoever when I explained that the 2.5 hour delay on my flight was possibly going to make me miss my connection in LA. Such a charming airline, I must say.
• I barely made my last flight back to Sydney, but was rewarded by getting my points upgrade to Business Class, which was better than sleeping in my own bed. Flying economy on a budget airline next week to Vietnam is going to be that much harder.

Anyway, I returned to Sydney safely yesterday morning, and lasted about 4 hours at work before giving up and going home to sleep, although I may have managed to make it out for a few drinks later on...social obligations and all. Don't hold your breath for Jamaica pictures though.

Back In A Week, Mon

I'm off to Jamaica tomorrow (with a decent stopver in LA to hang out with Belle) for my father's rather inconveniently timed wedding. I also bought a new camera this week, so I will try to make good use of it, although I have a feeling most pictures of this trip will involve me laying around on beaches reading Harry Potter. Not exactly the most riveting stuff, but I'll see what kind of trouble I can dig up for you. See you next Thursday.

You Can Quote Me On That

Banx has demanded that I start keeping a record of things I say that she finds utterly obnoxious and ridiculous.

Apparently Saturday's choice quotes included:

"Well, really, if I got dumped I don't really care at this point, cause I would still know I'm awesome."

"They can't resent me. It's not my fault I'm hot."

"Sometimes I get really worried that I talk too much and dominate conversations. But then I'm like, whatever, I'm really funny and interesting so I'm sure no one minds."


I would like to go on record as stating that I was rather intoxicated when all of these things were said. It was 2 in the afternoon, after all.

Trashbag

I'm still a little appalled at how much I had to drink this weekend, especially considering I really thought I had a chance at making this my first (relatively) quiet weekend in a long time.

Friday night just went from casual drinks after work with colleagues into making a complete ass out of myself with Murphy at a gathering for Fry and her coworkers. Fortunately Murphy was the bigger jackass. After shocking and insulting most of my work friends, he proceeded to continuously refer to Fry's colleagues as unemployed, which might not have been so bad if it wasn't the same day that they had all been given three months notice. (Fry returned the favor by calling Murphy fat all night.)

Saturday I woke up with a hangover like I haven't had in a while, and barely managed to pull myself together for 11am brunch with Banx and Cathy. So how we ended up at The Golden Sheaf drinking bottles of wine for 4 hours is beyond me. As much fun as it was, it probably wasn't the best idea considering I was attending Sesame's dinner party that night. My night ended around 2am after some trashy dancing and topped off with NY-style pizza on the way home. All class.

And Sunday...now after two nights like that, you'd think that just maybe I could refrain from drinking again, but you'd be wrong. I called Fry, thinking I would stop by her apartment to chat for a little, and ended up at Gazebo Bar in The Cross downing more bottles of wine and even a little sangria.

Therefore, today is meant to be my one alcohol-free day, since tomorrow night I have to attend a dinner, and I'm off on holidays on Wednesday, where I won't have anything pesky like work the next day to stop me from drinking like an even bigger idiot.

Australia, I'm Sorry

I actually feel just a teeny bit guilty at the moment. The reason is that I went to have my taxes done this week, and I will be getting a refund well over $5,000.

While I was expecting a pretty good refund due to my medical bills from the hernia surgery earlier this year, I will admit here and now (and anonymously on the Internet, because I'm brave like that) that I may have stretched the truth just a tad.

My worst offence was easily claiming my iPod as a work-related expense. Although I would like to state that this could be valid, as an iPod could be used as a file storage device for work materials, or maybe doing client research via podcasts, etc.

Anyway, most people here have cursed my name for supposedly stealing money from a country that I'm not even from. So I will be reflecting on my horrible lies over the weekend, between some shopping and buying everyone bottles of champagne. I'm a good person that way.

Designer Doctor

I've been a little under the weather lately, which is very uncharacteristic of me. Generally I feel fine, but my throat has been a bit sore and my right tonsil is about three times the size of the left.

Yesterday I decided it was about time to head to the doctor and make sure I'm not in need of medication or anything serious. I was going to go to my usual doctor, however he is off near where I used to live, which would have been totally inconvenient. So I asked friends which doctors they use, and Sesame's seemed to be the most convenient, location-wise.

Now I generally have a lot in common with Sesame. We both appreciate a higher quality of living, and will be the last two in that group of friends to cut corners and compromise on anything that might cause us any discomfort. However, when directions to a doctor's office include "just next to Armani" and "upstairs from Paspaley Pearls", even my expensive tastes aren't enough to keep from being just a little wary.

I showed up to the office, and it was possibly the nicest doctor's office I've ever been to. Tastefully designed, great music, lovely views. I almost felt like someone was about to come out to serve me a glass of champagne on a velvet cushion or something.

It ended up being about 40% more expensive than a regular doctor's visit, but much like traveling First Class, I'm not sure I will be able to downgrade from this experience, and I'm planning to go back in the next few days for my travel vaccinations.

Oh and I'm not dying or anything -- this is just what happens when you drink for 2 weeks straight, apparently.

"I'll take INAPPROPRIATE for $1000, Alex."

So it was a fun weekend and all. Saturday got off to an uneven start, when I decided to clean my apartment and managed to suck my mobile phone charger cord into the vacuum cleaner. I then realized I had no running water, but that was time easily killed in a pub. And after three birthday parties that night, Sunday was all about the recovery, which meant yum cha, the latest Harry Potter movie, and skipping a friend's birthday dinner so I could fall asleep on the couch watching Top Model.

For anyone who thinks I've forgotten Friday night, I was actually just saving the best for last. You see the rest of my weekend, while fun, drunken and trashy, isn't that different to what I usually get up to. Friday night was a quiet one, but much more interesting, as I visited Fry's office to witness their White Trash theme party.

In case you aren't aware, Fry works for the company that I mentioned ages ago that has a bar next to the reception area on the 25th floor of their building. And apparently once a month they will have a big theme party. White Trash apparently meant ordering KFC and putting up confederate flags on the walls. All fine and good, until I saw an inflatable swimming pool in the middle of the floor, and it was then explained to me that it was filled a couple of inches with petroleum jelly, and that there would be JELY WRESTLING later on in the night.

I kind of wish I was kidding, and at the same time I love telling people this. An office actually had girls in bikinis come in and jelly wrestle for entertainment. One of them even managed to keep slipping out of her bikini, and would then just giggle and put everything back where it was supposed to be, until the same thing happened a few seconds later. The announcer then came out during a break to announce that the girls would be back and would be revealing more in the next round, however I don't think I actually know anyone who stayed around for that since everyone just ended up feeling really uncomfortable.

Now, before you think this is another example of Australians being all crazy n' shit, I assure you that anyone I have told this story to has been shocked and appalled (and wished they were there). And I have no doubt that if any media outlet gets ahold of the pictures that I am hoping someone will send me this week, that at least a few people will be sacked at that agency. But it was a story worth sharing, and I think you would agree.

Happy Monday.

Nothing To Report

Nothing much to tell you here. Not that I've had one sober night in the past week and a half, but no crazy stories. At least night saw me attempting to cure my sore throat with my mother's recommended remedy of a few glasses of scotch. Probably shouldn't have followed that with wine and beer, but I'm sure I'll feel better before I start drinking today. Oh wait, too late for that. Gotta love lunch on Fridays.

Tonight will hopefully be relatively low-key, since I have no less than three birthday parties to attend tomorrow night. A lot of people must have sex around Christmas...

Facebook Is The Devil

I've been even more lax than usual about blogging this week. I still can't blame work, which is still quite manageable at the moment, but what I can probably blame is my new addiction -- Facebook.

This site is fantastic. Of course the social networking thing has been done before, but Facebook manages to combine the clean maturity of Friendster (without the boring aspect) and the cheekiness of MySpace (without getting quite so trashy) into something that I can't stop using. Not only that, but it seems that the entire world has caught onto Facebook at the same time, which means my friends and relatives in various countries are all on the same site.

There are tons of stupid applications, but as soon one claims to measure your "IQ" of any sort in a "Challenge", then I am all over it. The game I cannot stop playing (or thinking about when I'm not actually in front of a computer) is the Traveller IQ Challenge, where you are given a world map and told to find a city or landmark, and then you're awarded points on how close you get to the actual location, and also how quickly you find it. For a world travelling geek like me, this is heaven. Especially a competitive asshole who insists on showing everyone that he knows more than them. The only thing that will stop me from playing this game is carpal tunnel sydnrome.

Of course one of the better Facebook stories I have lately is how someone emailed me a picture the other day of me with 3 girls I had never seen before. Apparently a friend of a friend had found the photo on someone else's Facebook page and recognized me. I was confused and somewhat creeped out, however we have determined that it was from a birthday party I attended with a friend back in April, and I decided to make a stupid face in a picture that had nothing to do with me. Rock on. I love this site.

Almost Famous

I should probably also mention that this showed up in a major Sydney newspaper yesterday, in the "Insider" section that always features photos of people at trendy events around town:

It was for a launch party for...something or other. In all fairness, I should admit that I only went because a friend invited me and there was free liquor involved. So I'm not nearly as cool as this would lead some to believe, but I will enjoy my 15 nanoseconds of quasi-fame. (I also love how I've blocked out my name in the photo, but left the names of my friends. I'm a jerk.)

Better Than Scrubs

I will try to piece some of the weekend together eventually, but at least wanted to share my favorite Overheard post in a while:

Nurse #1: The guy in room 14 is so annoying.
Nurse #2: No wonder somebody stabbed him in the fucking face.

Representin'

I wanted to make a real blog post today. However I started drinking at noon, and getting back to work just in time for a 3pm "meeting" that involves me drinking more beer.

So yeah. No real post. But I am already smashed at 4.27pm on a Friday, and tonight is a friend's birthday drinks, followed by someone else's birthday drinks tomorrow, and a BBQ on Sunday.

Life is good. Too bad I can't remember most of it.

Blast From The Past

I am in awe of my own randomness at the moment. A friend has just forwarded me an email I sent one morning in February of 2005. Clearly I was in a mood if I found it necessary to write all of this out in an email and send it to someone:

so after being in a foul mood all last night, i wake up after a good night's sleep, the sun is shining, and all is well. i catch the F train just in time, and i'm walking down the R train platform.

then i notice that i can't walk any further because two teenaged puerto rican girls seem to think it makes sense to zig zag across the platform and block everyone from going by. overhearing tidbits of their conversation, i can hear them dropping the f-bomb every other word, and come to the realization that this is going to be an interesting altercation. i try to pass a couple of times, and if i didn't know better, i would think they were actually blocking me. so i suck it up, and walk to the right of them, saying "excuse me" and possibly brushing past one of them.

next thing i hear is one of them really loudly saying "NOW N!GGAZ TRYINA RUN ME DOWN, YO!". this is followed by various comments in some street slang that i could not possibly have understood unless i attended their ghetto ass high school in bed stuy, so i just kept walking and ignored them. i can rest easy knowing that these charming ladies (obviously destined to be productive members of society) will both be knocked up by the end of the year, so it's all good. i'll still be nice to them when they are serving meat wendy's in the near future.

oh, and good morning :)

So yeah...I've always been a bitch.

Still Breathing...Barely

Well, the weekend turned out almost exactly as anyone would have expected, and it was still one of the funniest weekends of my life. The only way to really try to cover even a fraction of what happened is with an old-fashioned bulleted list of highlights:

• We showed up at the house around 3.30pm on Friday, and immediately sent a team out for food and alcohol. Food bill? Around $350. Liquor? Around $1000. That's what I'm talkin' about.
• It took around 2 hours before this amazing Real World/Big Brother type house (14 beds, pool table, air hockey, ping pong, foosball, etc.) looked like we had been there for a week.
• Me and Murphy sneaking around trying to get the better bedroom from Sesame and Patsy was a little too much fun...until they burst into the bedroom around 1am and Patsy yelled at me and told me she never wanted to speak to me again, followed by walking out and slamming the door behind her.
• Waking up for a wine tour at 10am after a night of drinking and dancing seems awful, until you've had that third taste of wine, and all of a sudden the world seems like a much brighter place.
• Loved when the guide at one of the wineries said that she had ME pegged as the troublemaker in the group. To which I quickly fired back "Yeah sure, because I'm black." I love pulling the race card.
• Paddy decided to point out that Patsy has massive ears...in the middle of a wine tasting. We all ended up staring at them for the rest of the session, and whenever Fry tried to say something about it I hushed her and said "Shhh...she can hear you."
• We headed back to the house after lunch because we were both exhausted and in serious danger of being kicked out of the Valley. After naps we woke up for a BBQ, which was marked by birds trying to steal the meat and a frog committing suicide by jumping onto the grill.
• This was of course followed by Circle of Death. Congrats to Chip for puking before the game had officially begun ("I didn't really puke, it was just chocolate cake" is the most disgusting thing I heard that night) and Juice who seemed to have made it through safely and then vomited behind the BBQ an hour after the game. I'm sure the 65 year olds in the next house LOVED that.
• And worst players of the game easily went to Chip (who ended up basically sitting by the bottle of tequila taking one shot after another for his stupid mistakes), Murphy (who, by combination of talking too much and generally being an idiot, must have finished off an entire bottle of tequila on his own) and Paddy the birthday boy, who would go fine for a while and then say someone's name about 4 times in 3 seconds). We finished off 3 bottles of tequila and 2 bottles of vodka, if I'm not mistaken. Not to mention all the beer.
• Paddy was so ridiculously drunk by the end of the game, but was still insistent on doing his "performance". At one point Patsy went upstairs to check on him and he had fallen over while trying to get into costume. When the show finally went ahead, he needed the pillars to hold himself upright, and then completely stacked it in his heels and went flying over an ottoman, promptly ending the performance. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.
• Five others attempted their own show after this, however the hosts were smashed and managed to knock both a laptop AND the playstation off of the mantle. If either still works properly I will be impressed.
• I'm not sure I've ever seen so many looks of hatred as I did the next morning when I was full of energy and donned an afro wig and sunglasses and danced around the lounge room to house music while everyone else could barely shovel breakfast into their faces.
• And an appropriate ending to the weekend was as we drove away from the house and managed to hit a duck within 10 minutes. It was probably our reactions that were the best though -- we all screamed once when we saw the ducks fly in front of the car (although Chip later admitted to screaming just because we were, at this point), again when one of them hit the front fender, and again when it bounced off the windshield. I turned back to see the poor thing flopping around by the side of the road, but we were too traumatized to do anything about it.

And I'm sure there's more, but I really can't even try and type it right now, and really, would you want to read any more than this? If some good pictures show up (none from me, as someone broke my camera after I went to sleep early on Friday night) I will see if they are appropriate for sharing. I'm guessing they won't be.

Can I rent a liver for the weekend?

I'm only at work for about an hour today. This will be followed by a 10am meeting with a client, and then heading off to meet the crew so a caravan of cars can head out to the Hunter Valley for a couple of days. We've rented a huge house out there for 14 people where we will spend the weekend drinking, playing games (including Circle of Death), eating, Sing Starring, and breaking that all up with a half day wine tour.

The occasion is Paddy's upcoming 30th birthday. All we can hope is that 14 drunkards in a house for 48 hours doesn't end in some kind of tragedy or anyone hating each other. In the very least, we should have some good stories and pictures to share when we get back. And the hatred.

Slacking

Sorry I've gone a few days without blogging -- I don't even have work as an excuse either, as things have gotten back to normal, and I'd tell you the total number of personal emails my friends and I sent each other yesterday if I wasn't quite so horrified by it.

To make up for it though, here are some choice photos from Saturday's debaucherous drunkfest at my place:

Lost and Found

A list of things still in my apartment as a result of the massive party I threw on Saturday night:

Glittery pullover

White men’s shirt

Wide leather belt

Red hoop plastic earring (now covered in blue face paint)

Little silver earring

Broken magic wand

3 fake red nails

White hood (KKK style)

1 plastic boob

Only the pictures can really tell this story. I will try to get them out in a couple of days. Be strong.

'Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".'

It's been a good week - my huge project has been put on hold, which means that soon things will go back to normal. Normal for me of course meaning that I have plenty of time to blog and send personal emails while earning an inflated salary that would make the average world citizen choke on their Red Cross rations. Ah, well. Someone's gotta live the life.

It may be Friday, but I'm going to try and take it easy tonight and be home by 9pm. While you are probably reading that and rolling your eyes, I have some pretty good motivation. I'm having a party tomorrow night, I think there might be a rather large turnout, and I have literally done nothing to prepare besides sending out an email invite.

But I'm still excited, as I decided that being so close to July 4th, the theme should be...AMERICA. Apparently this theme is vague and yet inspiring enough that people are going to have to change when they get to my place because they are afraid of getting stabbed on the way to the party if they come in costume. Should be some good pictures.

I just hope at least one person comes as this lady:

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) A Tennis Ball

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice
and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

The Overdue Weekend Update

Oops, completely forgot to blog the weekend. I actually don't have much time, but I will see what I can squeeze in now.

So Friday, we all left the office in Melbourne and went downstairs to the bowling alley/pool hall/karaoke lounge/bar. A dangerous combination.

I present my list of ways NOT to impress your interstate colleagues:

• Start drinking at noon even though you know you will be with your coworkers for at least 6 hours, and are expected to party late into the evening
• Be a sore winner in the bowling tournament and tell everyone very smugly how well you're doing compared to them
• Be an extremely sore loser in the next round and start claiming the developers must have hacked the system, pointing out that you were up against "the only other good players in the company", and even bitch out the extremely pregnant woman who really liked you until this point in time
• Enthusiastically start the karaoke room up, and then grab the microphone whenever there is a lull so that you can sing yet another awful pop ballad
• Allow these scenes to be recorded on video
• Drink yourself stupid, and then claim you have "better places to be" and stumble off to meet friends for dinner
• Spend most of your 20 minutes at the restaurant trying not to pass out on the table, finish less than 1/3 of your food, and leave your friends sitting at the restaurant without paying your bill while claiming you will "meet up in like...an hour" when you know there is no way that will actually happen

I think I'm just going to leave it at that, I think we all get the idea. Had a blast though, even if half of the Melbourne office now has even less respect for me than they did before, if possible.

The rest of the weekend was rather low-key, and my liver thanks me. Apart from an open bar on Saturday afternoon in Melbourne for Juice's brother's birthday celebration, I flew back to Sydney that night and passed out on the couch with Indian food and the first Harry Potter movie playing on TV.

Sunday was spent in the office for far too long before meeting up with friends to catch Transformers, which was AWESOME and highly recommended. Seriously, they could really have screwed that one up, but we loved it.

And I've just been informed that I have received a rather generous raise, which is making me feel a little more guilty than usual that I'm sitting here at my desk blogging when I have a proposal that really needs to be finished in the next hour and I haven't even started yet.

Did You Really Just Say That?

Have had a couple of those moments lately.

In particular, was just emailing with Murphy when he said that he will be "hanging out with my second best friend" over the weekend. Terminology that is completely unacceptable after the age of thirteen. Believe me, he will get plenty of shit for that one.

Not that I should talk -- I was chatting with Ellen just last week about reality TV shows and definintely referred to one as "Canadia's Next Top Model".

Although the prize-winner is easily from Thursday when I was in Melbourne and we were all sitting down in a TelePresence meeting and noticed that my favorite client, in Sydney, had a rather upset look on his face.

So we asked him what was wrong, and he said:

"I'm just having one of those days. It's just really bad. Like...it makes me wish I had a dog or a wife -- so I could go home and beat them."

Yes, yes, I know it's awful, but I love that he said that with his female boss sitting right there. The dude's got balls.

Drunkards and Crackheads

I will try and blog properly about the weekend once I have my wits about me. In the meantime, a couple of things:

1) Here are those pics from the Gotham City Black and White Ball my company threw a week ago. I've added captions, per usual, so you can have a clue what's going on, and I apologize for the green spandex outfit in advance:



2) And otherwise, I am just really enjoying that this was a headline on CNN International this morning: "Man beats up vampire peacock"

I mean I feel for that peacock and everything, but holy crap people, just say NO. (Unless it will provide me with this sort of entertainment, in which case, bring it on.)

Things Are Lookin' Up

So I've spent most of the week being a jackass, mostly because I've been working 12 hour days and I'm not a huge fan of living in a hotel room for any amount of time.

I've also been bitter that I was unable to get a room in the hotel I liked so much last time, the Park Hyatt, so I had to settle for the Grand Hyatt, which I suppose is fine but it's kind of like flying First Class and then having to downgrade to Business. It's just not up to my newly established standards.

I haven't really been able to enjoy Melbourne just yet either. I went to dinner and drinks with a friend and some other people last night, and made it to around 9.30pm until a week of 12 hour days finally caught up with me and I had to head back to the hotel for some sleep.

However today is looking much better. I've managed to time my visit here with the Melbourne office quarterly event, which is none other than 10-pin bowling, one of my favorite activities where I make a complete ass of myself because I'm so childishly competitive.

Not only that, but some friends from Sydney are all flying in today to spend the weekend, so I will party with them tonight but be the only one who didn't actually pay for his own flights or hotel. Suckers.

Friday Funny

I'm pretty sure I've seen this before (got it as part of a "You Might Be A Redneck If..." email), but it was like seeing it for the first time all over again and I wanted to share:

Greetings From Melbourne...I Hate Everything

So I'm down here for work, extremely stressed, the weather is awful, and all I can think of is a couple of things to bitch about, so here goes:

1) Toothpaste -- I keep meaning to write to Crest and Colgate after each trip to the supermarket where I need to buy toothpaste. Because someone, somewhere, NEEDS to explain to me why there are so many different types. Not brands. I mean, one whitens your teeth, one freshens your breath, and another one prevents cavities.

Now correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not, because I never am), but isn't toothpaste supposed to do all of those things? And what numb nuts walks down the aisle thinking "Well, I definitely want whiter teeth, but fresh breath, no way!" If that person exists, I want to lobotomize them with a plastic spoon, if that isn't what's happened already.

2) Grapes -- or more specifically, grapes with seeds in them. I just need to know...WHY?! Are there really people on this planet who enjoy biting into a grape and then having to spit out the remnants of a seed? Why aren't all grapes seedless? Why do the fruit growers and distributors of the world hate me?


That is all. I will try and be a little cheerier tomorrow.

Everyone's A Little Bit Racist*

A friend forwarded me this article today, about the rapper Xzhibit storming out of a popular late night talk show here in Australia because he felt like someone said something racist to him.

When you actually read the article you can't really tell for sure what the offending crew member really meant (although I will give the benefit of the doubt and assume he just meant a rapper as opposed to a black guy), but I am loving the hints of racism in the article itself. In particular:

Xzibit took this to be a racist remark and immediately “went out the front door hopped in my sh*t and rolled out”, which presumably means he got into his car and left.

Loves it.

*I feel like I've used this title before? My apologies.

Yes, He Has An Afro

Sorry yet again for not posting right after the weekend. It was quite eventful, but work has continued to blow up in my face and I haven't had a chance to update you all on things. I've been frustrated enough at work that everyone is calling me "Mr. Grumpy", which just irritates me even more and makes me say bitchier things. It's an ugly spiral.

Fortunately, I was able to relax and have a great time with my colleagues on Saturday night, as it was our company's annual ball, this year's theme being...Gotham City. Awesome, I know.

From our team, only two of us really dressed up for the event, but other than the expected characters (Batman, Robin, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, etc.), most people seemed to throw the theme to the wind and dress up however the hell they wanted. Attendees included:

• A Super Mario Brother
• The Transformers
• He-Man
• At least a few "Goth" freaks
• A Klansman (I wish I was kidding -- imagine how mortified his table must have been having to sit with him)

And there were plenty of others, but I fail to remember them off the top of my head at this point. I have lots of pics though (which continue all the way until I got home around 5am), and will post the link here once they're ready for sharing.

In the meantime...here's a teaser:

We Were Robbed

People generally don't like playing games with me at the best of times. As I'm sure I've mentioned here before, I am childishly competitive, managing to be both a sore loser AND a sore winner.

Trivia is no exception. It's one thing if I have no idea what the answer is and someone takes a guess. However people arguing with me really irritates me, since it clearly means that they didn't get the memo that I'm always right.

The other thing that bothers me is people not paying attention. So you can imagine how frustrated I got on Tuesday evening when Team America Kate decided to commandeer the answer sheet, but then failed to pay any attention to what was going on, and ended up putting answers in the wrong boxes and combining answers that had nothing to do with each other.

As an example -- apparently, in the 70's at some point, Stevie Nicks sang a duet with...Henry VI. Also, the toy made famous by Donald Duncan in 1929 was...Jack Nicholson. Who knew?

We ended up coming in around 3rd or 4th, meaning there was no prize. Probably a good thing, since the prizes tend to be bar tabs, and I have had a sore throat for days now and really shouldn't be drinking at all.

In other news, I just had the worst day at work since I started this job, and so I've decided to spend the last few minutes watching Japanese people being weird. I'm feeling better already...

Pinch Me

So yesterday I had to stop by the dentist on the way home.

Like almost anyone, I don't like going to the dentist. I used to absolutely hate it, but my obsession with knowing my teeth are clean (do you guys ever have that dream where all your teeth are falling out? I used to have it all the time and I'm still traumatized) has ensured that I go approximately every 6 months for my cleaning and checkup.

However this time I'd managed to put it off for 10 months, and last week a paranoia suddenly struck me and I was convinced that despite not having any pain or anything, I was going to end up like this kid.

Anyway, I trudged over to my usual dentist last night, where he inspected my teeth and then said to me "Okay Zander, I'm going to clean your teeth now and then we can have a chat."

I'm sorry, but doesn't that sound really ominous. So I sit there while he cleans my teeth, convinced that he's going to finish and then tell me that they all need to be ripped out because I haven't flossed 18 times a day for the past 27 years.

Finally he finished and had me sit up, and his words to me were "Your teeth and gums are perfect."

I will swear by all that is holy that I have NEVER heard that from a dentist before, and never expected to. Generally all I get (even from this dentist) is disapproving looks and then a lecture about how much I suck and all of my teeth will fall out by the time I'm 40.

So I'm still just a little bit ecstatic and loving that my investment in a $300 electric toothbrush last year may actually have been worth it.

And that's it. Me bragging about my teeth. Although I'm on my way to pub trivia at the moment, so I will try to bring back stories about how super smart I am after 8 pints of beer.

Everything Is So Blurry

I can barely see my computer screen right now because I'm so outrageously tired. Let me try and explain why...

Friday

The usual crap.

Saturday

Woke up having had not nearly enough sleep. Met friends for lunch, had a couple of beers over a game of pool, and then headed out west to spend the evening with the family. My cousin Emma was in a surprisingly good production of Les Miserables, after which I immediately went back to the house and crashed.

Sunday

Woke up and still hadn't had enough sleep. Went back to my place so I could shower and change and then head to a farewell/birthday BBQ for someone moving back to the UK. Was so exhausted that I went home by 6pm and was passing out on the couch when I got a phone call from Murphy.

Naturally this somehow led to me drinking with Murphy and his gang until close to midnight, and all I've been thinking about for the last six hours is my bed. Unfortunately my trip home will involve a long overdue visit to the dentist for a checkup. Will the fun never end.

It'll Last Longer

I've never been much of a sentimental person. I generally throw out tons of things that most people would probably hold onto as mementos of this or that, like ticket stubs to great events and random little things like that. I've always just thought my memories were good enough, and couldn't ever see myself being one of those people who opens up that old shoebox and gets teary-eyed while grasping a piece of string that no one else but that special someone would know the meaning of. I may vomit just from having typed that.

Having said all that, I love pictures, as many of you would know. If I go away for a long weekend I am sure to come back with around 100 pictures that I want to put online, write narrative captions for, and send to everyone I've ever met. However I generally never bothered with hard copies...until now.

I recently have been having little pangs of homesickness, and not that it really makes anything better, I decided, apart from framing and hanging a NYC subway map over my bed, to order prints of a lot of my favourite pictures of me and my friends back in NY and frame or hang them. Just in case you're wondering how I chose these pictures, the process pretty much went like this:

• Am I in the picture?
• Do I look good?
• Do I even like the other people in the picture?
• Even if I don't, do I look really good?

I found a picture frame that held three photos, and chose three rather civilized shots to go in there. However I had tons of additional photos that I wanted to put up and realized that buying 20 picture frames would be overkill, so I went with buying the cork picture board and just putting as many as possible on there.

This is what I ended up with:

It's a decent mix, although I intend to tweak it in the future. Some stats though:

Most appearances:

A tie between Domini and Emily, no surprise there

Most appearances by someone I haven't really hung out with that much:

Joe's old roommate Jeff

Most random appearance:

My former coworker Kevin, who worked with me in NY for about 6 months and just randomly wanted to hang out with me and my friends one night.

Most overrepresented event, considering Joe is a total ass hat:

Joe's birthday, 2005

Most underrepresented demographic:

Asians -- only two of them in there, which is rather appalling considering most of the people I know from high school are from the yellow continent.

Anyway, that's it for now on this topic, as I've actually already changed some of the pictures since I took that, and I don't want anyone getting mad at me because they don't see themselves on there. You vain, vain bastards.

FINALLY

I was worried that I might not make it through the premiere of "Cycle 8" of America's Next Top Model last night. Not because of my odd sleeping habits, but because I had a 3 hour "work lunch" at Cafe Sydney (where I've been twice now and have yet to spend a dime of my own money) and had managed to get drunk enough that all I wanted to do was pass out from around 4.30pm onwards.

Anyway, I managed to stay awake, and it paid off. We were all in hysterics for pretty much the entire episode, and I can't wait for more. Having said that, if ANYONE ruins the ending for me, despite the fact that you've already watched it in the US, there will be pain. A lot of it. Thank you.

Oh Sorry, I Thought This Was The Asshole Party

Saturday started off innocently enough. I met some friends for breakfast at Mint, and then we wandered over to a costume shop nearby, since I had somehow ended up needing to dress up in costume for at least three events in the coming month.

One of them was a Rock Star Party that night in North Bondi, and I took the easy way out and simply bought a rock mullet that I could wear with some sunglasses and shitty clothes for the generic Rock Star look.

After a couple of DVDs (Saw III, which was not that hard to watch, and Another Gay Movie, which was surprisingly hilarious, and gross) I headed off to Team America's place where I passed out on the couch while the girls dressed up as Avril Lavigne (old school, not the awesome "Girlfriend" version) and Bjork (in retarded swan dress, replaced with a kookaburra).

Anyway, here's what I ended up looking like:

And apparently there is some Sydney Swans (that's from the AFL, Australian Football League, and I still don't know the difference between that, the NRL, and Rugby Union, which are all apparently different sports and none of them are soccer, WTF) player that I ended up resembling, seen here:Ah well, I'll get it right next time. I have a costume all lined up for my firm's Mid-Year Ball and the theme is...wait for it...GOTHAM CITY. It shall be awesome.

Ruining The Company Reputation

Well it was a long weekend, and I'd rather not try and cram it all into one post, so first...Friday night. We spent all afternoon at the Opera House for an off-site, which meant we had to pay our dues and talk about "strategy" and "planning" for the coming financial year. Which wasn't so bad, although I started to get a bit testy when I realized it was 5pm on a Friday and I was stone cold sober.

However, we made up for that.

Once we were all finished there, we headed down to the bar, opened a tab on a company card, and got started. Within a couple of hours, some of my colleagues were drunker than I'd ever seen them before, meaning things went from silly fun to rather weird and uncomfortable. The highlight reel:

• Me and Chronster tearing up the dancefloor while she stole cupcakes for me that had been left out on the bar. All fun and games until she didn't put the cover back on the tray correctly and everything ended up scattered all over the place.
• The guy who got married three weeks ago making out with someone who definitely wasn't his new bride. We had to send him home to his lucky, lucky woman.
• An extremely candid discussion of phone sex. Or perhaps more of a debate between those of the team who were experienced advocates and those who kept saying "What do you mean by phone sex?", as if anyone actually meant copulation with an actual phone. Playing dumb isn't cute, kids. You're probably a professional phone sex operator.
• A member of the team being found somewhat incapacitated in the women's bathroom, and being led away by paramedics (which may have been a bit dramatic, she's fine)
• One of our analysts deciding to sit down at the drum set and play along with the DJ's music -- until the band ran over (probably upset that he was playing better than they were), followed by security who told us all to "finish our drinks and leave".
• Things might have ended better if we hadn't walked out one door and back in through the other one to order another round of drinks, but hey, we thought we could get away with it considering we had racked almost two grand up on the tab. Apparently not, and we were asked to leave again, a little more sternly.
• Stopped by McDonald's before heading home, which wasn't that notable except for the fact that half of the people there didn't actually remember it until we mentioned it this morning.

I think being kicked out of the bar was really a result of a culmination of all of those events, since playing the drums generally isn't that much of an offense. Although we were rather amused that this is the second time our team has been kicked out of a bar because of an incident involving a drum set. Rock on.

Not Much

Could have sworn I had a few tidbits for you, but nothing is coming to mind at the moment. The following is simply whatever comes dribbling out of my brain in the next 3 minutes:

• I actually had to do my US taxes yesterday. Or more accurately, I had to do my taxes, and then fill out a form that verified that I didn't actually have to do my taxes. It was complicated and annoying and makes me wonder who comes up with these rules. Better yet, if I get much more in the way of salary, I apparently WILL have to pay taxes both here and back home. Huh what?
• I'm over the Top Model fiasco, as we're referring to it these days, and simply looking forward to the nonsense that the American version will bring.
• I've been 100% sober for the last few nights, and I'm planning to make up for that this evening. We are leaving the office at noon for an "off-site", which I'm hoping translates to getting horrendously drunk by 6pm.
• Monday is a public holiday in honour of the "Queen's Birthday", which is amusing considering that even the UK doesn't have that as a public holiday. But hey, whatever gives me an extra day to recover from the usual Sunday drinking.

See you in a few days, kids.

So Much For Healthy Role Models

Tuesday night was the season finale of Australia's Next Top Model, and I'm kind of glad it's over. While it can be entertaining to see a different version of the show, it gets a little old watching something that is trying so hard to be the original American version. The way they decided to be a little different this season was that the finale was live. Which might not have been quite so bad except for the fact that they weren't able to edit the bickering judges, and you start to realize how little they know about anything, and how much they all probably hate each other.

Most awkward was easily how they had each of the people who had votes say their vote out loud in front of everyone. This included not only the D-list celebrity judges, but the editor of the magazine where the winner would get a spread, the owner of the cosmetics company who would use the winner as their spokesmodel, and the head of the agency where she would get a contract. Which really just ended up taking away any kind of suspense, since the first three votes were for the same girl. Who planned this crap?

The last two girls we ended up with were Steph and Alice:

Steph was the girl who may have been really young, but had way more personality (or should we say ANY personality), and everyone loved her. Alice was the girl who looked like she hadn't eaten in three years and as a result barely had the energy to keep her eyes open, and definitely didn't have the energy to speak at an audible volume.

Naturally the skinny boring bitch won, which is a shame because apart from being disgustingly malnourished looking, she really did have the personality of a turnip, and in my opinion the most interesting models have always either been the ones who can actually hold a conversation, or the plain crazy bitches like Janice, Tyra and Naomi who are just pure entertainment. (Easily the latter role this season was filled by a girl named Paloma who would spend an entire episode yelling and being nasty to everyone, and then turn to the camera and with all sincerity utter things like "I just think I've been far too nice to everyone here.")

Ah well...we all know who the REAL Top Model in Australia is:

Signs You Need Help

Randomly just remembered this conversation from Sunday (which means it must have been good, cause I don't remember much):

Zander: Check out that hottie.

Paddy: I think I see a wonky eye though.

Mickey: That's hot.

Everyone: WHAT?!

Mickey: What? I think it's cute.

Zander: What are you talking about? You like people who look retarded??

Mickey: Not retarded! Just a little bit...disabled.

Search of the Month

I should really post some of these more regularly, because it's absolutely hysterical how some people find my blog, but I glanced at the stats today and in the past 12 hours my favorite is..."listerine for midgets".

I've found it's rather pointless to even hazard a guess at what someone like that was actually trying to find, but I figure anything that leads someone new to my blog is a good thing.

Still In Pain

It's Monday afternoon and I am exhausted. Melbourne was a blast, including a truly ridiculous and unnecessary Friday night. Saturday was more relaxing, simply because I didn't have the energy to do much. And then I had the brilliant stroke of genius that led to me drinking all day on Sunday, which is why all I've wanted to do since I woke up this morning is go back to bed.

Friday was actually great, since I decided to stay the night in Melbourne so I could hang out with my coworkers a bit and bond over free booze in the office. They actually have Sing Star Karaoke in their breakout room, and I had the pleasure of kicking the former CEO's ass at "Just Like A Pill", which was kind of cheating considering I'd been at Pink's concert on Monday. I then proceeded to win yet again with "I Think We're Alone Now", leading a Canadian colleague to confirm that I was really good at singing like a girl.

And I feel like I should have plenty of funny stories from the weekend, but I unfortunately don't remember any of them or have the desire to type them all out here. I'll try harder this week though, promise.