Monday, July 30, 2007

"I'll take INAPPROPRIATE for $1000, Alex."

So it was a fun weekend and all. Saturday got off to an uneven start, when I decided to clean my apartment and managed to suck my mobile phone charger cord into the vacuum cleaner. I then realized I had no running water, but that was time easily killed in a pub. And after three birthday parties that night, Sunday was all about the recovery, which meant yum cha, the latest Harry Potter movie, and skipping a friend's birthday dinner so I could fall asleep on the couch watching Top Model.

For anyone who thinks I've forgotten Friday night, I was actually just saving the best for last. You see the rest of my weekend, while fun, drunken and trashy, isn't that different to what I usually get up to. Friday night was a quiet one, but much more interesting, as I visited Fry's office to witness their White Trash theme party.

In case you aren't aware, Fry works for the company that I mentioned ages ago that has a bar next to the reception area on the 25th floor of their building. And apparently once a month they will have a big theme party. White Trash apparently meant ordering KFC and putting up confederate flags on the walls. All fine and good, until I saw an inflatable swimming pool in the middle of the floor, and it was then explained to me that it was filled a couple of inches with petroleum jelly, and that there would be JELY WRESTLING later on in the night.

I kind of wish I was kidding, and at the same time I love telling people this. An office actually had girls in bikinis come in and jelly wrestle for entertainment. One of them even managed to keep slipping out of her bikini, and would then just giggle and put everything back where it was supposed to be, until the same thing happened a few seconds later. The announcer then came out during a break to announce that the girls would be back and would be revealing more in the next round, however I don't think I actually know anyone who stayed around for that since everyone just ended up feeling really uncomfortable.

Now, before you think this is another example of Australians being all crazy n' shit, I assure you that anyone I have told this story to has been shocked and appalled (and wished they were there). And I have no doubt that if any media outlet gets ahold of the pictures that I am hoping someone will send me this week, that at least a few people will be sacked at that agency. But it was a story worth sharing, and I think you would agree.

Happy Monday.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Nothing To Report

Nothing much to tell you here. Not that I've had one sober night in the past week and a half, but no crazy stories. At least night saw me attempting to cure my sore throat with my mother's recommended remedy of a few glasses of scotch. Probably shouldn't have followed that with wine and beer, but I'm sure I'll feel better before I start drinking today. Oh wait, too late for that. Gotta love lunch on Fridays.

Tonight will hopefully be relatively low-key, since I have no less than three birthday parties to attend tomorrow night. A lot of people must have sex around Christmas...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Facebook Is The Devil

I've been even more lax than usual about blogging this week. I still can't blame work, which is still quite manageable at the moment, but what I can probably blame is my new addiction -- Facebook.

This site is fantastic. Of course the social networking thing has been done before, but Facebook manages to combine the clean maturity of Friendster (without the boring aspect) and the cheekiness of MySpace (without getting quite so trashy) into something that I can't stop using. Not only that, but it seems that the entire world has caught onto Facebook at the same time, which means my friends and relatives in various countries are all on the same site.

There are tons of stupid applications, but as soon one claims to measure your "IQ" of any sort in a "Challenge", then I am all over it. The game I cannot stop playing (or thinking about when I'm not actually in front of a computer) is the Traveller IQ Challenge, where you are given a world map and told to find a city or landmark, and then you're awarded points on how close you get to the actual location, and also how quickly you find it. For a world travelling geek like me, this is heaven. Especially a competitive asshole who insists on showing everyone that he knows more than them. The only thing that will stop me from playing this game is carpal tunnel sydnrome.

Of course one of the better Facebook stories I have lately is how someone emailed me a picture the other day of me with 3 girls I had never seen before. Apparently a friend of a friend had found the photo on someone else's Facebook page and recognized me. I was confused and somewhat creeped out, however we have determined that it was from a birthday party I attended with a friend back in April, and I decided to make a stupid face in a picture that had nothing to do with me. Rock on. I love this site.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Almost Famous

I should probably also mention that this showed up in a major Sydney newspaper yesterday, in the "Insider" section that always features photos of people at trendy events around town:

It was for a launch party for...something or other. In all fairness, I should admit that I only went because a friend invited me and there was free liquor involved. So I'm not nearly as cool as this would lead some to believe, but I will enjoy my 15 nanoseconds of quasi-fame. (I also love how I've blocked out my name in the photo, but left the names of my friends. I'm a jerk.)

Better Than Scrubs

I will try to piece some of the weekend together eventually, but at least wanted to share my favorite Overheard post in a while:

Nurse #1: The guy in room 14 is so annoying.
Nurse #2: No wonder somebody stabbed him in the fucking face.

Friday, July 20, 2007


I wanted to make a real blog post today. However I started drinking at noon, and getting back to work just in time for a 3pm "meeting" that involves me drinking more beer.

So yeah. No real post. But I am already smashed at 4.27pm on a Friday, and tonight is a friend's birthday drinks, followed by someone else's birthday drinks tomorrow, and a BBQ on Sunday.

Life is good. Too bad I can't remember most of it.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Blast From The Past

I am in awe of my own randomness at the moment. A friend has just forwarded me an email I sent one morning in February of 2005. Clearly I was in a mood if I found it necessary to write all of this out in an email and send it to someone:

so after being in a foul mood all last night, i wake up after a good night's sleep, the sun is shining, and all is well. i catch the F train just in time, and i'm walking down the R train platform.

then i notice that i can't walk any further because two teenaged puerto rican girls seem to think it makes sense to zig zag across the platform and block everyone from going by. overhearing tidbits of their conversation, i can hear them dropping the f-bomb every other word, and come to the realization that this is going to be an interesting altercation. i try to pass a couple of times, and if i didn't know better, i would think they were actually blocking me. so i suck it up, and walk to the right of them, saying "excuse me" and possibly brushing past one of them.

next thing i hear is one of them really loudly saying "NOW N!GGAZ TRYINA RUN ME DOWN, YO!". this is followed by various comments in some street slang that i could not possibly have understood unless i attended their ghetto ass high school in bed stuy, so i just kept walking and ignored them. i can rest easy knowing that these charming ladies (obviously destined to be productive members of society) will both be knocked up by the end of the year, so it's all good. i'll still be nice to them when they are serving meat wendy's in the near future.

oh, and good morning :)

So yeah...I've always been a bitch.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Still Breathing...Barely

Well, the weekend turned out almost exactly as anyone would have expected, and it was still one of the funniest weekends of my life. The only way to really try to cover even a fraction of what happened is with an old-fashioned bulleted list of highlights:
  • We showed up at the house around 3.30pm on Friday, and immediately sent a team out for food and alcohol. Food bill? Around $350. Liquor? Around $1000. That's what I'm talkin' about.
  • It took around 2 hours before this amazing Real World/Big Brother type house (14 beds, pool table, air hockey, ping pong, foosball, etc.) looked like we had been there for a week.
  • Me and Murphy sneaking around trying to get the better bedroom from Sesame and Patsy was a little too much fun...until they burst into the bedroom around 1am and Patsy yelled at me and told me she never wanted to speak to me again, followed by walking out and slamming the door behind her.
  • Waking up for a wine tour at 10am after a night of drinking and dancing seems awful, until you've had that third taste of wine, and all of a sudden the world seems like a much brighter place.
  • Loved when the guide at one of the wineries said that she had ME pegged as the troublemaker in the group. To which I quickly fired back "Yeah sure, because I'm black." I love pulling the race card.
  • Paddy decided to point out that Patsy has massive the middle of a wine tasting. We all ended up staring at them for the rest of the session, and whenever Fry tried to say something about it I hushed her and said "Shhh...she can hear you."
  • We headed back to the house after lunch because we were both exhausted and in serious danger of being kicked out of the Valley. After naps we woke up for a BBQ, which was marked by birds trying to steal the meat and a frog committing suicide by jumping onto the grill.
  • This was of course followed by Circle of Death. Congrats to Chip for puking before the game had officially begun ("I didn't really puke, it was just chocolate cake" is the most disgusting thing I heard that night) and Juice who seemed to have made it through safely and then vomited behind the BBQ an hour after the game. I'm sure the 65 year olds in the next house LOVED that.
  • And worst players of the game easily went to Chip (who ended up basically sitting by the bottle of tequila taking one shot after another for his stupid mistakes), Murphy (who, by combination of talking too much and generally being an idiot, must have finished off an entire bottle of tequila on his own) and Paddy the birthday boy, who would go fine for a while and then say someone's name about 4 times in 3 seconds). We finished off 3 bottles of tequila and 2 bottles of vodka, if I'm not mistaken. Not to mention all the beer.
  • Paddy was so ridiculously drunk by the end of the game, but was still insistent on doing his "performance". At one point Patsy went upstairs to check on him and he had fallen over while trying to get into costume. When the show finally went ahead, he needed the pillars to hold himself upright, and then completely stacked it in his heels and went flying over an ottoman, promptly ending the performance. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.
  • Five others attempted their own show after this, however the hosts were smashed and managed to knock both a laptop AND the playstation off of the mantle. If either still works properly I will be impressed.
  • I'm not sure I've ever seen so many looks of hatred as I did the next morning when I was full of energy and donned an afro wig and sunglasses and danced around the lounge room to house music while everyone else could barely shovel breakfast into their faces.
  • And an appropriate ending to the weekend was as we drove away from the house and managed to hit a duck within 10 minutes. It was probably our reactions that were the best though -- we all screamed once when we saw the ducks fly in front of the car (although Chip later admitted to screaming just because we were, at this point), again when one of them hit the front fender, and again when it bounced off the windshield. I turned back to see the poor thing flopping around by the side of the road, but we were too traumatized to do anything about it.

And I'm sure there's more, but I really can't even try and type it right now, and really, would you want to read any more than this? If some good pictures show up (none from me, as someone broke my camera after I went to sleep early on Friday night) I will see if they are appropriate for sharing. I'm guessing they won't be.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Can I rent a liver for the weekend?

I'm only at work for about an hour today. This will be followed by a 10am meeting with a client, and then heading off to meet the crew so a caravan of cars can head out to the Hunter Valley for a couple of days. We've rented a huge house out there for 14 people where we will spend the weekend drinking, playing games (including Circle of Death), eating, Sing Starring, and breaking that all up with a half day wine tour.

The occasion is Paddy's upcoming 30th birthday. All we can hope is that 14 drunkards in a house for 48 hours doesn't end in some kind of tragedy or anyone hating each other. In the very least, we should have some good stories and pictures to share when we get back. And the hatred.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Sorry I've gone a few days without blogging -- I don't even have work as an excuse either, as things have gotten back to normal, and I'd tell you the total number of personal emails my friends and I sent each other yesterday if I wasn't quite so horrified by it.

To make up for it though, here are some choice photos from Saturday's debaucherous drunkfest at my place:

Monday, July 09, 2007

Lost and Found

A list of things still in my apartment as a result of the massive party I threw on Saturday night:

  • Glittery pullover
  • White men’s shirt
  • Wide leather belt
  • Red hoop plastic earring (now covered in blue face paint)
  • Little silver earring
  • Broken magic wand
  • 3 fake red nails
  • White hood (KKK style)
  • 1 plastic boob

  • Only the pictures can really tell this story. I will try to get them out in a couple of days. Be strong.

    Friday, July 06, 2007

    'Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".'

    It's been a good week - my huge project has been put on hold, which means that soon things will go back to normal. Normal for me of course meaning that I have plenty of time to blog and send personal emails while earning an inflated salary that would make the average world citizen choke on their Red Cross rations. Ah, well. Someone's gotta live the life.

    It may be Friday, but I'm going to try and take it easy tonight and be home by 9pm. While you are probably reading that and rolling your eyes, I have some pretty good motivation. I'm having a party tomorrow night, I think there might be a rather large turnout, and I have literally done nothing to prepare besides sending out an email invite.

    But I'm still excited, as I decided that being so close to July 4th, the theme should be...AMERICA. Apparently this theme is vague and yet inspiring enough that people are going to have to change when they get to my place because they are afraid of getting stabbed on the way to the party if they come in costume. Should be some good pictures.

    I just hope at least one person comes as this lady:

    NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

    It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

    After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

    "Which of the following is the largest?"
    A) A Peanut
    B) An Elephant
    C) The Moon
    D) A Tennis Ball

    Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

    "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

    Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
    "Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

    Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

    "Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

    Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

    "Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

    To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice
    and pick 'The Moon.'

    "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

    Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

    "Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

    Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

    Wednesday, July 04, 2007

    The Overdue Weekend Update

    Oops, completely forgot to blog the weekend. I actually don't have much time, but I will see what I can squeeze in now.

    So Friday, we all left the office in Melbourne and went downstairs to the bowling alley/pool hall/karaoke lounge/bar. A dangerous combination.

    I present my list of ways NOT to impress your interstate colleagues:
    • Start drinking at noon even though you know you will be with your coworkers for at least 6 hours, and are expected to party late into the evening
    • Be a sore winner in the bowling tournament and tell everyone very smugly how well you're doing compared to them
    • Be an extremely sore loser in the next round and start claiming the developers must have hacked the system, pointing out that you were up against "the only other good players in the company", and even bitch out the extremely pregnant woman who really liked you until this point in time
    • Enthusiastically start the karaoke room up, and then grab the microphone whenever there is a lull so that you can sing yet another awful pop ballad
    • Allow these scenes to be recorded on video
    • Drink yourself stupid, and then claim you have "better places to be" and stumble off to meet friends for dinner
    • Spend most of your 20 minutes at the restaurant trying not to pass out on the table, finish less than 1/3 of your food, and leave your friends sitting at the restaurant without paying your bill while claiming you will "meet up in hour" when you know there is no way that will actually happen

    I think I'm just going to leave it at that, I think we all get the idea. Had a blast though, even if half of the Melbourne office now has even less respect for me than they did before, if possible.

    The rest of the weekend was rather low-key, and my liver thanks me. Apart from an open bar on Saturday afternoon in Melbourne for Juice's brother's birthday celebration, I flew back to Sydney that night and passed out on the couch with Indian food and the first Harry Potter movie playing on TV.

    Sunday was spent in the office for far too long before meeting up with friends to catch Transformers, which was AWESOME and highly recommended. Seriously, they could really have screwed that one up, but we loved it.

    And I've just been informed that I have received a rather generous raise, which is making me feel a little more guilty than usual that I'm sitting here at my desk blogging when I have a proposal that really needs to be finished in the next hour and I haven't even started yet.

    Monday, July 02, 2007

    Did You Really Just Say That?

    Have had a couple of those moments lately.

    In particular, was just emailing with Murphy when he said that he will be "hanging out with my second best friend" over the weekend. Terminology that is completely unacceptable after the age of thirteen. Believe me, he will get plenty of shit for that one.

    Not that I should talk -- I was chatting with Ellen just last week about reality TV shows and definintely referred to one as "Canadia's Next Top Model".

    Although the prize-winner is easily from Thursday when I was in Melbourne and we were all sitting down in a TelePresence meeting and noticed that my favorite client, in Sydney, had a rather upset look on his face.

    So we asked him what was wrong, and he said:

    "I'm just having one of those days. It's just really bad. makes me wish I had a dog or a wife -- so I could go home and beat them."

    Yes, yes, I know it's awful, but I love that he said that with his female boss sitting right there. The dude's got balls.

    Drunkards and Crackheads

    I will try and blog properly about the weekend once I have my wits about me. In the meantime, a couple of things:

    1) Here are those pics from the Gotham City Black and White Ball my company threw a week ago. I've added captions, per usual, so you can have a clue what's going on, and I apologize for the green spandex outfit in advance:

    2) And otherwise, I am just really enjoying that this was a headline on CNN International this morning: "Man beats up vampire peacock"

    I mean I feel for that peacock and everything, but holy crap people, just say NO. (Unless it will provide me with this sort of entertainment, in which case, bring it on.)