Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Overheard In The Office

Colleague: You need electrolytes.

Zander: I had a burrito.

That actually reminds me of a conversation I had last night...

Junior: The salad had spinach in it! good for your muscles.

Zander: Um, this is real life, not an episode of Popeye.

I Have The Dumbest Dreams

Seriously, though. I just had one that involved me (and a few others) being laid off from my company, and instead of severance pay my company offered us each a *really* good deal on a 2-year lease for an Audi.


Monday, September 28, 2009

The Best Laid Plans

On Saturday, I woke up early, came into the office to get some work done, and then headed home to relax in the afternoon before a friend's birthday drinks. I was even sitting down to watch an episode of Jeopardy.

Then, Juice called. He wanted to swing by and pick up his backpack that I had borrowed months ago for South America.

Within seconds of him and Stranger walking through the door, we were all drinking vodka on my balcony, and hours later I was incoherent and embarassing myself on Crown Street.

You know you've had an unacceptable night when a female friend texts you the next day and thanks you for grabbing her crotch in public.

Sweet jesus.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Why Yes, Mr. Bowie, There Is Life On Mars

As I've Facebooked and Tweeted about earlier today, we all woke up in Sydney this morning to wonder if we'd been relocated to Mars without prior warning. It was kinda cool, kinda freaky.

Also falling into that category is this photo from the Texts From Last Night photo pool on Flickr that I didn't realize existed until now:

I will bet $200 and a Snuggie that this guy is English.

UPDATE: I've done a little research on "The Music Room" (as it appears that sign in the background says) and not only is it in England, but it's stumbling distance from the town in West Yorkshire where my family lives. Now emailing my cousins to see if this is a friend of theirs...

Monday, September 21, 2009


I've been under the impression that my drinking was due to the fact that I am maturing and interested in more adult things these days. For example, I wasn't drinking on Sundays because that's when I like to stay home and try a new recipe.

This past Sunday, a friend called asking to do lunch, and I said I would prefer to stay in and we'd do lunch during the week.

Then, about 9 minutes later, another friend called and asked if I wanted to meet up for a few beers at the bar across the street. Needless to say, I was there within 5 minutes.

So the truth has come out -- I'm not any less of an alcoholic. I'm just a shockingly lazy one.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Love how I trashed everyone else for not updating their blogs and then abandoned mine for almost a week. My bad.

As for my trip to Brisbane, I feel kind of bad about not being excited since it was a great weekend. And the fireworks were actually awesome, mostly because they actually fly FIGHTER JETS through the city and over the river as part of the show, after burners and everything. That makes it a winner in my book, mostly because I'm a firm believer that fighter jets should feature in EVERYTHING. I'm just starting plans to make sure they factor into my funeral somehow.

Otherwise, I've spent this entire week working my ass off on a client proposal, which means if we don't win this work I may as well quit consulting and become a basketweaver in the Mongolian forest. My other motivation is to get this done and sent to the client early tomorrow so I can join everyone else in getting hammered for free starting at 3pm. That's right folks, my alcoholism is more powerful than my work ethic. Makin' momma proud.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I thought I'd have tons of time to blog this week, but out of nowhere I was asked to do all kinds of WORK, if you can believe it. How rude.

Anyway I'm heading up to Brisbane for the weekend, which generally isn't that appealing, but at least we've booked a stupidly expensive hotel and the weather is supposed to be perfect. There's also something called "Riverfire" on tomorrow night, which is basically the 4th of July at a completely irrelevant time of year. And these things excite us because apparently we're still 8 year old. See you next week.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I Don't Suck As Much As Everyone Else

Despite the fact that my blogging has dropped drastically from 4-5 times a week a few years ago to 2-3 times a week now (pretty much precisely correlated to my drop in weekly binge drinking sessions), I think I've put in a decent effort at this whole narcissistic endeavour. I've likely been buoyed by my inability to stop talking about myself, with this blog being where I post when everyone around me has stopped listening.

My irregularity in blogging has likely left me with about 6 readers -- among them, someone in South Korea (according to my site stats) who I imagine is using my blog as one of the more unfortunate ways one could use to learn English. I also like to conjure up images of poor people in poverty-stricken countries, such as Paraguay and Mali, who randomly visited this site one day only to never be able to leave due to the poor condition of their ancient, charity-donated computer that they can't afford to replace.

In any case, I don't feel too bad because a recent check of my Netvibes account showed that none of the friends whose blogs I used to read on a regular basis seem to be posting anymore, and haven't done so in months.

Another, more insightful man, might take this as a sign that it's time to move on to bigger, better, and slightly more productive things than discussing his quasi-alcoholism and mocking strangers on the internet. I, on the other hand, think this should be interpreted as "I WIN", and have simply updated the links to the right so you have a few more options for time wasting for those days when I somehow find something better to do than blog (e.g. take naps, start drinking early, etc.)


Monday, September 07, 2009

How To Become Immune To Alcohol

Really the only drinking session worth mentioning from the weekend is Friday afternoon, when I joined some colleagues from the office who had decided that it was too much trouble to come back from lunch when they could just stay at the pub.

Somehow I managed to catch up with them despite starting to drink 2 hours after they had, and the rest of my night is a blur potentially involving being accused of flirting with the daughter of our bosses boss (WTF?) and going to dinner with a friend and his mother and not remembering any of it.

Thanks to that performance, I managed to drink until 2am on Saturday night and also most of Sunday afternoon without actually feeling intoxcated, and at no time did I experience any sort of a hangover. This, of course, is one of the criteria for determining if you're an alcoholic, but I'm less bothered by that than I am by the fact that this was all much more expensive than getting hammered and passing out by 10pm.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Random Drunk

See, this is yet another reason to love Facebook. I was skimming through some friends photos from a recent vacation and came across this photo, instantly finding myself in the throes of a friend crush:

I have no idea who she is, but she looks amazing and clearly needs to be my new best friend. And you just KNOW she looks like this at least two nights a week. Probably three.

And before you say anything, YES, I do fully realize that this post is vaguely hypocritical and fully lacking in self-awareness considering the number of similar photos of myself that probably go up all over the internet every month. Does that mean one can't appreciate the small things in life?