Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Still Breathing...Barely

Well, the weekend turned out almost exactly as anyone would have expected, and it was still one of the funniest weekends of my life. The only way to really try to cover even a fraction of what happened is with an old-fashioned bulleted list of highlights:
  • We showed up at the house around 3.30pm on Friday, and immediately sent a team out for food and alcohol. Food bill? Around $350. Liquor? Around $1000. That's what I'm talkin' about.
  • It took around 2 hours before this amazing Real World/Big Brother type house (14 beds, pool table, air hockey, ping pong, foosball, etc.) looked like we had been there for a week.
  • Me and Murphy sneaking around trying to get the better bedroom from Sesame and Patsy was a little too much fun...until they burst into the bedroom around 1am and Patsy yelled at me and told me she never wanted to speak to me again, followed by walking out and slamming the door behind her.
  • Waking up for a wine tour at 10am after a night of drinking and dancing seems awful, until you've had that third taste of wine, and all of a sudden the world seems like a much brighter place.
  • Loved when the guide at one of the wineries said that she had ME pegged as the troublemaker in the group. To which I quickly fired back "Yeah sure, because I'm black." I love pulling the race card.
  • Paddy decided to point out that Patsy has massive ears...in the middle of a wine tasting. We all ended up staring at them for the rest of the session, and whenever Fry tried to say something about it I hushed her and said "Shhh...she can hear you."
  • We headed back to the house after lunch because we were both exhausted and in serious danger of being kicked out of the Valley. After naps we woke up for a BBQ, which was marked by birds trying to steal the meat and a frog committing suicide by jumping onto the grill.
  • This was of course followed by Circle of Death. Congrats to Chip for puking before the game had officially begun ("I didn't really puke, it was just chocolate cake" is the most disgusting thing I heard that night) and Juice who seemed to have made it through safely and then vomited behind the BBQ an hour after the game. I'm sure the 65 year olds in the next house LOVED that.
  • And worst players of the game easily went to Chip (who ended up basically sitting by the bottle of tequila taking one shot after another for his stupid mistakes), Murphy (who, by combination of talking too much and generally being an idiot, must have finished off an entire bottle of tequila on his own) and Paddy the birthday boy, who would go fine for a while and then say someone's name about 4 times in 3 seconds). We finished off 3 bottles of tequila and 2 bottles of vodka, if I'm not mistaken. Not to mention all the beer.
  • Paddy was so ridiculously drunk by the end of the game, but was still insistent on doing his "performance". At one point Patsy went upstairs to check on him and he had fallen over while trying to get into costume. When the show finally went ahead, he needed the pillars to hold himself upright, and then completely stacked it in his heels and went flying over an ottoman, promptly ending the performance. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.
  • Five others attempted their own show after this, however the hosts were smashed and managed to knock both a laptop AND the playstation off of the mantle. If either still works properly I will be impressed.
  • I'm not sure I've ever seen so many looks of hatred as I did the next morning when I was full of energy and donned an afro wig and sunglasses and danced around the lounge room to house music while everyone else could barely shovel breakfast into their faces.
  • And an appropriate ending to the weekend was as we drove away from the house and managed to hit a duck within 10 minutes. It was probably our reactions that were the best though -- we all screamed once when we saw the ducks fly in front of the car (although Chip later admitted to screaming just because we were, at this point), again when one of them hit the front fender, and again when it bounced off the windshield. I turned back to see the poor thing flopping around by the side of the road, but we were too traumatized to do anything about it.

And I'm sure there's more, but I really can't even try and type it right now, and really, would you want to read any more than this? If some good pictures show up (none from me, as someone broke my camera after I went to sleep early on Friday night) I will see if they are appropriate for sharing. I'm guessing they won't be.


Anonymous said...

i think i feel ill just from reading about your weekend. the wine tour plus hangover and followed by circle of death is pretty much the most disgusting chain of events in history.

Freak Magnet said...

So, did you guys eat the frog?

Zander said...

We think it ended up in the actual burning charcoal. So we didn't eat the frog itself, however some might argue that our meal contained an essence of the frog.

amy said...

you really need to write a book!! :-)