Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Just Sign Me Up For World of Warcraft

In yet another breach of my supposed rules for myself when it comes to my iPhone, I have not only downloaded a game for my phone, but I even paid for it. I had told myself that not only do I not need games for my phone, but that I didn't want to pay for any applications because how could they possibly be worth it?

In this case, I was pressured into it and only gave in because I got an agreement that I was owed a beer if the game was retarded. After proclaiming that it was indeed a waste of time, it took only 24 more hours before I was so addicted that I played until my phone battery died.

To make matters worse, the game in question (Flight Control) actually is really dumb. Essentially I act as an air traffic controller and guide aircraft in to land at the airport without any of them crashing into each other. And yet, I am fully addicted to this crap:

The one thing that still annoys me about it is how every time a plane lands it congratulates you -- but in addition to the regular "Great!" and "Well done!", it also tells you things like "Jolly Good!" and "Good Show!", which leaves me visualizing Basil Fawlty yelling at me while I'm trying to waste my life playing a game that leaves my vision blurry after only a few minutes of playing.

Seriously, someone shoot me.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Where's My Trophy?

As some sort of reminder to myself that a few quiet weekends doesn't make me any more mature and sensible, I managed to make a complete ass out of myself on Saturday night.

At the second of three parties I was attempting to make it to that night, I'd had just enough wine (I'd estimate about three bottles) to stumble and fall backwards over a friend's coffee table and take out all of the drinks on it. I hear the red wine stains have actually come out, but I apparently also managed to sent the table itself.

My lack of shame is probably something I should actually feel guilty about, but instead I'm just grateful that this was the only photo that anyone managed to snap before I stopped laughing hysterically and was capable of standing up:

Consider me extremely appreciative of the iPhone's lack of a flash for it's camera.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bring. It. On.

OMG OMG OMG! Hadn't checked my blog stats in months, and I went in today and found this:

I think it's a fair assumption that this is Sarah Palin, considering there are likely 2 computers in Wasilla, Alaska, and there's a good chance that one of them is only used to play solitaire. Hopefully the fact that I communicate using words instead of water color paintings won't scare her off too much on her first visit. Promise I won't tell my favorite joke about what the difference is between her mouth and her vagina. Well, maybe in the comments.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Saturday, In An Electronic Nutshell

Birthday Party #1

Drinking for three hours. Highlight: Telling a couple I've just met that their baby is cute but I'd rather they'd brought a puppy.

Birthday Party #2

Finding the atmosphere in the restaurant a bit subdued and telling racist jokes until it was time for me to head to the next event. Final words: "Let the bitch cook in the dark."

Birthday Party #3

Exhausted from 8 hours of drinking (not to mention old age), I have two drinks, grab a friend's breasts inappropriately and head home.

This is my life.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I Should Host A Game Show Or Something

Each month we have a two-hour meeting on Friday afternoon with the extended team of about 200 people. Drinks are provided which makes it marginally less painful to sit through people who do things I have zero understanding of talking about their latest projects as if the rest of us could possibly care.

One segment is just an update on engagements and marriages, people who had babies, recent hires, and people who have resigned. And for some reason, I was put forward as the ideal person to present that segment this month.

I might have done alright if the segment had been closer to the beginning of the meeting. As a result, the following ensued:

  • I decided to bring a bottle of wine with me from the drinks table so I wouldn't have to keep getting up during the meeting
  • I got progressively drunker throughout the meeting, including talking while everyone else was presenting
  • I was still talking to the people around me when I realized the room had gone quiet, and looked up to see my name on the screen
  • I then swore - loudly - and stumbled to the front of the room
  • For some reason, I started by talking about myself
  • My first announcement was one I made up on the spot, about how a guy on our team had gotten engaged at lunchtime, and I made everyone give him a round of applause. He's never even had a girlfriend.
  • I fortunately refrained from saying that I think newborn babies are gross - but it crossed my mind
  • When one of our team's new hires declined to tell an embarrassing story about himself, I stepped in and told one about him
  • At the end I was supposed to congratulate certain people from another team within my division on passing some exam, which I worded as "Congratulations on passing your exam and becoming...uh...certified, or whatever it is that happens to you now."

The whole routine got more than a few laughs, but I think we can be confident that senior management was not impressed and I likely won't be asked to present at that meeting again any time soon.

On the plus side, I got drunk for free.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

This Is Why I Don't Live In America

I originally saw this on The Soup the other day and was completely "flabbergasted", for lack of a cooler word. I was going to blog about it in more detail, but I think this guy has the topic pretty much covered. Wow. (Click on image to view the video on YouTube.)

Monday, July 13, 2009

It's Not Easy Being This Predictable

I went into the weekend with some semblance of a hope that it would be another quiet one. And I came so close.

My dinner on Friday might have been marginally more civilized if I hadn't started drinking at lunchtime, resumed again at 4pm in the office, and continued through dinner. I could have been tempted to stay out after dinner, but fortunately the two girls at the dinner table who apparently weren't speaking to each other kind of ruined the mood and I was home and in bed before 11.

On Saturday I attempted to stay in watching Law & Order reruns, but by the time 3pm rolled around I was in no state of mind to refuse an invitation to drinks, and found myself at the pub. The tequila shots before 7pm started a severe downward spiral involving champagne, Smirnoff Blackouts, and something in a can that may have contained bourbon, all of which resulted in my spending 90% of Sunday laying on the couch. Watching Law & Order reruns.

It's the circle of life, really.

Thursday, July 09, 2009


Not to rehash overplayed recent events or anything, but this whole Michael Jackson thing is a bit too much for me.

On June 24th, he was a weirdo with a half-melted plastic face and creepy (read: probably illegal) attitudes towards children. And apparently starting from June 25th, he was one of the most amazing people in history and to say anything negative about him means you're a bad, bad person.

While I think some of the obituaries and articles that only focus on his scandals, legal issues and financial woes are in somewhat poor taste, the idea that I'm no longer allowed to even mention the fact that the dude was clearly one of the biggest freaks in modern times annoys the crap out of me. Or maybe I'm just bitter because I'm pretty sure the moment I die people aren't going to magically forget what a complete asshole I was. Whatever. If I want to tweet jokes about MJ being a dead pedophile all day while everyone else is being melodramatic, I will, and I won't feel bad about it.

The most offensive part is the people wailing in the streets and saying things like "A part of my childhood has died." Actually you self-obsessed dickhead, an ACTUAL PERSON has died, and you were not him, you were not related to him, and there's a 99.73 chance that you never even met the dude. As a matter of fact, your life before his death is likely identical to your life after his death, other than your incessant moaning about a guy who hadn't released anything worth listening to in over a decade. SHUT UP.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Is This What Being A Dad Is Like?

After a couple of years of fighting the iPhone craze (which wasn't too tough considering the original version didn't come with features that were considered basic on other smartphones) I have finally given in to the iPhone 3GS that came out in the last few weeks.

And after all that, I can also say that this thing is everything that I feared it would be - awesome and addictive being the first two words that come to mind.

(Not sure why a photo is necessary, I imagine everyone knows what these godforsaken things look like by now.)

For the first time I've actually bought a protective cover for my phone, considering the last few times I spent a lot of money on a phone, they've either ended up lost or with a cracked screen because I sat on them or something equally stupid.

My main concern now is that I've had this phone for 4 days and I've blatantly been sitting in the office playing with it at my desk the entire time, with only vague references to the fact that I work in the digital industry to defend myself.

Good thing there's probably an app to keep me warm at night once this whole employment thing falls through.