Sunday, January 30, 2005

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Forgetting my personal rule about never hanging out with coworkers other than the occasional lunch (in fear of them finding out that I'm not only lazy and stupid, but kind of a huge drunken asshole), I attended a social gathering last night with a few of them.

Of course 6 beers on an empty stomach got a decent buzz going, and I haven't quite decided which of the following got the biggest look of disgust from all in attendance:
  • Proclaiming that I think vegetarians -- whom I referred to as "some picky motherfuckers" -- totally suck, and discovering at the end of my rant that half of my coworkers in attendance were vegetarian.
  • Telling everyone how when I see cows, I get hungry. Seriously. Cow --> hamburger. It's an obvious connection. Stop looking at me like that.
  • When my coworker would tell us something about her home in rural India, I would respond with "You know, I'm a really worldly person...but that just ain't right."
  • After all that it really didn't matter what I said, so I completed my act by telling everyone that America is a toilet, and I was just biding my time until I could get the hell out

So I'm not really surprised that everyone gave me the look of death when I attempted to right all of these wrongs by announcing that I was one of the most tolerant people they will ever meet ("No, really, I care about poor people and stuff."), and I'm sure they just misinterpreted whatever it was that seemed to offend them.

I'll also be looking for brand new lunch partners next week, in case anyone in the financial district is interested.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Sloppy Hour

Jessica threw a happy hour last night, and somehow we all managed to wake up this morning with some dignity. We were joined by Aaron, who quickly regretted being social, and my co-worker Susan, who after only three martinis had this philosophical nugget to share: "I'm a photography." That's right Susan, you can be anything you want to be. Ah well, at least she's professional.

After all that though, I'm guessing the highlight was Jess, who not only got her groove thang on, but proceeded to engage in some sort of a dance-off with a hefty black girl on the other side of the bar who we suspect was smuggling midgets under her sweater. Alas, we didn't get a chance to check. Next time, we promise.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Alcohol Troubleshooting

Feeling lazy and uninspired today - well, moreso than usual - so I'm going to take the easy way out and post something that I had nothing to do with.

This list of Alcohol Troubleshooting Tips that Cristin was kind enough to forward along includes a lot of helpful advice. Consider the following:

Symptom: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another drink.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself tied to the bar.

Symptom: Drink is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

To be honest I'm not sure about that last one, since someone might have been thoughtful enough to buy me a glass of pure vodka, but who am I to argue. I plan to carry this around with me for reference from now on, I'll let you know if it works out.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

They're So Proud

Put together a bunch of the photos from Friday night, but in the interest of sparing you an entire album, here are a few choice ones for you.

Someone forwarded to one of our mothers, so let me share a direct quote: "You people have no shame and no PRIDE at all!"

Damn right, woman!

Achieving The Impossible

Every now and then you're lucky enough to be associated with someone who is so much of a drunk that you feel infinitely better about your own drinking habits.

For you know how every city or town has that bar, the place where you can do whatever the fuck you want, and no one cares? Where people break shit, and everyone applauds. Where you can pass out on the floor in your own vomit (a mix of 10 cent wings and the cheapest beer on this side of the Atlantic), and the bartenders will just laugh at you and then go back to whatever they were doing before.

In New York, one such place is Off The Wagon, an NYU bar that you generally shouldn't be seen in after the age of 22.

So how my 25 year old friend managed to get kicked out of Off The Wagon still remains a mystery. Or as he put it, "i must have taken a shit behind the bar or something. i mean really, what do you have to do to get ejected from that joint". So true.

Either way, I feel much better about my own life, and justified in drinking more than usual this weekend. Three cheers for rationalization, kids.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Open Bar? We Better Have A Few Drinks Before We Go

Not sure when exactly this happened, but apparently 10pm is waaaayyy too late to start drinking. So when we were alerted to an open bar from 10-11 on Friday night, Jess and I still found it necessary to meet up at 8 and have a few drinks before getting to the club.

It was a pretty standard night of dumbassery for the crew, and we said several times that everyone at the club was very attractive until we realized that we always say that when we show up drunk.

I can also say with confidence that an open bar plus a new digital camera means that you will end up with a lot of unnecessarily raunchy pictures. (Check back later for those -- we have no shame.)

I'm sure emails with things I don't remember will start coming in shortly, although I will mention now that the Conversationalist of the Month award for January (and probably every month) goes to Jessica, after I didn't believe her when she told me the bartender was from Italy:

Jessica: Hey, where are you from??
Bartender: Venice.

Way to impress the foreigners, J. Ho.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Meet Dannilla

Already having way too much fun with the camera, and wanted to share this with you.

I'm sure you're thinking "what the fuck dude.", which is exactly what we thought when we found this ON THE SUBWAY last weekend, with "DANNILLA ON 40 BIRTHDAY" written on the back. I had promised to blog it, so here is Dannilla in all of glory.

(Apologies for the crappy photo quality, but it's a picture of a bad picture, not much I could do.)

Saturday, January 22, 2005

What's Better Than Reading About Stupid Drunks?

Why, having pictures to accompany the stories of course. Just bought this beauty of a digital camera, so hopefully over the next few weeks you'll get to see all your favorite assholes in action right here on the blog.

God help us all.

I Must Be A Genius By Now

According to a new study, "Alcohol may help mind stay sharp" and "a drink a day slows mental decline".

Now some of you may be thinking, "But Zander, you drink a lot more than one a day."

Let me lay some logic on you though: On the average Friday or Saturday night, I have about 15 drinks. So that's 30 drinks a week, a tad over the 7 you're thinking it should be.

But wait, oh less knowledgeable ones. I have to compensate for all those years between infancy and the ripe old age of 18, before I knew how much fun it was to drink until I couldn't see.

And that averages out to LESS than a drink a day the whole time I've been alive. I'm gonna start catching up this weekend though, just you watch.

Before you bother going through this again and looking for flaws in my logic, keep in mind that I drink more than you, therefore I am smarter than you. So just take my word for it, drink more, and I'll see you guys in Mensa.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Good Things DO Happen To Bad People!

By some stroke of evil luck, I won $150 in last night's MegaMillions drawing. As my friend Aaron put it, "wow, millions of starving kids in the world, and satan wins the lottery". Damn right!

Things I Could Spend My Fabulous Wealth On:
1) Charity to benefit tsunami survivors
2) Clothing for the homeless in these cold, cold winter days
3) My dear mother, who has given me so much in my life

Things I Will Be Spending My Fabulous Wealth On:
1) Excessive drinking.

Should be a good weekend.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

In Case You Were Wondering

Just in case having a headache for 24 hours appeals to anyone out there, here are the necessary ingredients:

2 Vodka & Grapefruits
1 Smirnoff Ice
2 Caipirinhas
1 more Smirnoff Ice, cause you need something that fits neatly inside your coat on the subway
2 Vodka Tonics
1 Johnny Walker, neat
1 Long Island
2 more Vodka Tonics
1 Heineken
0 Water
0 Food

Consume within the span of 6 hours. Oh and make sure you act like an idiot in front of people you've just met, because having someone recount all of your assinine behavior the next day makes the headache that much more special.

Have fun kids.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Signs You Should Go Home (Even Though It's Not Even Midnight)

Met up with a small crew for happy hour after work last night, and it very quickly descended into mayhem. So to commemorate the first happy hour of 2005, I give you...Signs You Should Go Home (Even Though It's Not Even Midnight):

  • After only three rounds of drinks, the bartender spots your propensity for true alcoholism...and offers you a free round of shots
  • Dinner? What's that?
  • One word: Karaoke. Although we have to thank Jessica for the most awesome rendition of Journey's "Separate Ways" that anyone has ever heard, evidenced by the standing ovation
  • While spinning around on her stomach on a stool at the karaoke bar (Why? I wish I knew.), your friend topples over, knocks over several chairs, and needs the help of 3 waitstaff to get back on her feet
  • At Bar #4, the aforementioned friend does a freak-ho dance in the middle of the bar. To "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper.
  • And finally, a certain someone has a lengthy talk about oral sex with our cab driver which was heading towards the discussion of which races shave "down there" when the ride mercifully ended

Ah yes. It's good to be back.

P.S. Oh yeah, and Jess -- next time you're gonna call someone Chinese, maybe you should make sure they're actually ASIAN first. Christ.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Unfortunately, Pictures Really Do Last Longer

And without further ado, here are the pictures from me and Emily's trip to Thailand.

I'd ask you not to think less of me, but I doubt that's even possible at this point anyway.

There's a Hero...If You Look Inside Your Heart...

I'm not sure I have the words to express the awe and admiration that this man from Bulgaria has inspired in the depths of my cold, empty soul:

Bulgarian doctors tested a man's blood-alcohol level five times before accepting it was 0.914 – nearly twice the amount considered to be life-threatening.

A breath test indicated blood-alcohol levels so high that police thought their equipment was broken, because the man remained conscious and talked with them.

A blood-alcohol level of 0.55 is considered potentially fatal.

If I knew where Bulgaria was I would totally send this dude a bottle of vodka or something.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Making America Proud

Finally got the Thailand pictures back, and although it will take me until at least tomorrow to sort them out, thought it was important to at least share this gem:

That's right Em, dip it low...or something...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Stockholm Here I Come

Apologies for the lack of a real blog post today, but I'm busy figuring out how soon I can move to Sweden based on this headline alone: Swedish Alcohol Consumption on the Rise

No idea what the actual article says, but I'm too hungover to actually read it. Thanks, Mom!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Tsunami...of FUN!

So we're back (alive and well, sorry to disappoint some of you), and needless to say, Thailand is an amazing and beautiful country. We were surrounded by all kinds of exotic creatures -- elephants, monkeys, whores. Actually more whores than anything else, but hey, every country needs a main attraction, right?

Naturally we had a few awesome drunken nights out, and I am completely oblivious to what might have occurred on New Years itself, but hopefully there will be pictures to share in the coming days that will shed some light on these events for all of us.