Wednesday, September 26, 2012

You Will Forgive Me

So, I've apparently ignored my blog for most of September. Didn't even realize that had happened.

But to make it up to you, I have another installment of Ali B, crazy Facebook chick who loves sharing the details of her personal life with a guy she briefly worked with almost a decade ago. (Me.)

In any case, my very first blog post about her was titled "Why You're Single", mostly because half of her updated were about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend. Well, guess what? SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

Now of course, I only determined this by sifting through the subtlest of hints in her Facebook status updates:

I know what you're thinking. "But Zander, she's barely insinuated ANYTHING about being in a relationship, I think you're jumping to conclusions." But you know what? I know her better than you do, so you're just going to have to trust me on this one.

In any case, it's great that she's found someone. If they've really been together for a whole month, maybe she'll start thinking about the usual next step in a relationship, like going on a vacation together, or maybe even introducing him to her friends, or perhaps...

DEAR GOD WOMAN. Seriously??

Anyway it may not matter, as a few days ago there was this:

And I figure it's not looking great when you're celebrating the dysfunction in your relationship when you've been together for less than 6 months. And finally, there was this:

For those who aren't familiar with passive-aggressive Facebooking, this generally tends to indicate that there's been a breakup. So we can go back to status updates like this one:

Oh, honey. That's more like it.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

15 Ways To Look Like An Idiot

Earlier this week someone posted a link to an article with the tantalizing (and inherently ridiculous) headline of "15 ways rich people think differently" by some fool named Sarah O'Carroll who apparently interviewed an even bigger fool named Steve Siebold who wrote a book called How Rich People Think. Granted, this article was from, which is probably the least likely place on the web to get anything resembling real insight. But I'm a sucker for a stupid headline and wanted to see if the contents could possibly be as dumb as expected.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was nothing short of blown away that someone would actually write this and then post it on the internet with their actual name attached to it. (Better yet, it's apparently based on a book that someone wrote about this topic, dear lord.) Let's take a moment, shall we?

THE rich think differently to the rest of us.

True. They think "I'm rich!" while the rest of us do not have that luxury. That's really where this piece should have ended.

You need look no further than mining magnate Gina Rinehart with her “get out of the pub” comments or billionaire Clive Palmer’s plans to build Titanic II to see that.

Just for some context, Gina Rinehart is one of the world's richest women - because she inherited a fortune from her father. But that apparently gives her the right to berate the vast majority of people who weren't handed insane sums of money.

And Clive Palmer is someone who would rather use his money to build another Titanic (because the first time went so well?) instead of, oh I don't know, funding education programs or feeding starving people in countries no food. In short, he is an asshole.

1. Rich people think selfishness is a virtue
Average people feel they need to save the world and put others before themselves which is keeping them poor. Rich people take the attitude that if they don’t help themselves first they can’t help anyone else.

I'm pretty sure most of us know more than a few selfish assholes who are not rich. Just a hunch.

2. Rich people have an action mentality
You wouldn’t see a rich person lining up to play the lottery (even before they were rich). Average people are always waiting on someone else to help them get rich - the Lotto, Government, friend or spouse – but it only keeps them poor. Rich people take action and spend time solving problems.

A very basic Google search would actually show that a lot of millionaires play (and win) the lottery. Also, I will comment on stupid generalizations at the end of this hot mess, but love the use of "always" to describe how "average people" wait on someone else to help them get rich. Also, the equating of average people with poor people, because that is apparently the same thing? (Let's not even get into the number of rich people who haven't solved a problem in their lives. I'm looking at you, Kardashians.)

3. Rich people favour specific knowledge over formal education
Average people believe the road to riches is through doing masters and doctorates. Rich people are generally rich because they have made money selling a specific knowledge they have acquired. 

Did you decide to actually educate yourself? You fool! Loving the implication that people only pursue education in order to acquire wealth, because what other reason could there ever be to learn anything, right?

4. Rich people dream of the future
Rich people spend a lot of time looking into the future, setting goals and looking forward to what lies ahead. Average people dwell on the past which often holds them back by making them unhappy or depressed.

Yeah cause all you AVERAGE PEOPLE are like that dude from Memento. Obviously.

5. Rich people think about money logically
Average and well-educated people can fall into the trap of thinking about money emotionally and just wanting to retire comfortably. Rich people maintain a logical relationship with money viewing it as a tool that represents options and opportunities.

Now this is interesting - the explicit equating of average and well-educated. Something tells me the guy responsible for these idiotic points is desperate to validate the fact that the extent of his formal education was being home schooled by his creepy uncle.

Also, everyone who just wants to retire comfortably instead of acquiring massive amounts of wealth to the detriment of your entire society? IT'S A TRAP.

6. Rich people follow their passion
Oprah Winfrey said it – you’ve got to follow your passion and do what you love. Rich people find a way of getting paid for doing something they love. Average people earn money doing things they don’t love.

Ha, I bet you thought you rather liked, maybe even loved your job until you read that, right? SUCKER. Not possible. Unless you're rich. Apparently.

7. Rich people aim high
Average people set low expectations to avoid disappointment whereas rich people set huge expectations and follow their dreams.

I guess we're not mentioning all the people who set huge expectations and follow their dreams into failure and oblivion. That's cool. I'll just move along. Nothing to see here.

8. Rich people believe you have to “be” someone
Average people on the other hand believe you have to “do” something to be rich and focus on immediate results. Rich people continuously focus on bettering themselves and learn from success and failures.

Man, I knew I shouldn't do anything. I just need to better myself. But not through education. That would make me average. I think? What's happening?

9. Rich people use other people’s money
Average people believe they need their own money to make money whereas rich people have no problem using other people’s.

What does this even mean? Are we at least admitting that most rich people have access to resources that the vast majority of people never will? Or are we basically just recommending that people steal shit from others, a la Bernie Madoff? Because if that's what it said it would actually be THE MOST LOGICAL PART OF THIS ENTIRE LIST.

10. Rich people live below their means
It seems contradictory to the above statement but rich people adopt the attitude of getting rich so you can afford to live below your means. Average people live beyond their means.

How does that seem contradictory? It's a lot easier to live below your means when living just within your means would require buying several small nation-states. Also, there are apparently no average people whatsoever who know how to manage their finances. Good to know.

11. Rich people teach their children how to be rich
Average people teach their children how to survive whereas rich people teach their children from an early age about the world of haves and have nots. 

"Hey, Jimmy? See all this wealth I've accumulated and will give to you despite you have done absolutely nothing to earn it? Here. Now you're rich. I'm such a good parent!"

12. Rich people don’t let money stress them out
Average people do. Rich people find peace of mind in wealth and are not afraid to admit that money can solve most problems – allowing them to make more money. Average people see money as a continuous battle and necessary evil they have to endure.

I love this one. Because rich people are never stressed about money. I mean, the global financial crisis in late 2008 alone would prove entirely otherwise, but maybe if we just block that out of our memory people will think you have a clue what you're talking about.

13. Rich people would rather be educated than entertained
Average people are the opposite. They read novels, tabloids and entertainment rather than continuously educating themselves after school.

Yeah, damn all those average people paying $20 million and up to do things like fly into space for a few days at a time. Or am I reading that wrong? Maybe it is rich people who pay for that sort of entertainment (to the point that a list of space tourists actually needs to list the participants "source of wealth"), but they'd RATHER be continuously educating themselves after school. Got it. My bad.

14. Rich people surround themselves with like-minded people
Average people think rich people are snobs and have a negative attitude towards the super rich. Rich people steer clear of the doom and gloom attitudes and people – adding fuel to the fire of the “snob” label.

Actually most of the biggest snobs I know are people who can't pay off their credit card bills, but let's not let the personal experience of everyone ever get in the way of yet another broad generalization.

15. Rich people focus on earning
Average people focus on saving and miss big opportunities by trying to live frugally. Rich people constantly focus on the big picture – and how to earn the big bucks.

You average idiots, saving and living frugally. But wait, I thought point 10 said that you're living beyond your means? Huh? Does not compute. Maybe this is why the list ends here. Because the author's brain exploded under the weight of all these contradictory and nonsensical statements.

But in the end, it's just amazing that someone could even pretend to believe these stupid statements about how all this type of people are like A and how all this other type of people are like B. You know where you're most likely to see theories like this? Racist websites. "BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAZY AND ASIANS ARE GOOD AT MATH." That is the intellectual level we're dealing with here.

Of course one more point could have been added that would have been entirely accurate. People who are not rich and never will be rich buy books about how rich people think. And the guy who originally spewed all of this crap may well end up being wealthy because of them. Funny how that works.

Monday, September 03, 2012

Professional Asshole

You know things got a little out of hand when you accurately remember all the following things from your Friday night out with colleagues:

  • Being the first person to buy a round of tequila shots - this is always terrible because everyone always remembers that as being the beginning of the end, and that it was your fault
  • Ignoring my colleagues for an hour to chat to a random friend I told to meet me at the bar - maybe I was concerned I'd get bored with work people
  • At karaoke, laying across the laps of several colleagues while belting out Aerosmith - not sure which part of that sentence I should feel worse about
  • Apparently thrusting my crotch repeatedly in the face of the super Christian girl who was totally sober because she has never been drunk in her life - this is the stuff HR complaints are made of, people
  • Saying goodbye to everyone at the end of the night and promptly walking off in the totally wrong direction for a solid few minutes - probably worth noting that I was literally a 5 minute walk from my front door

So, there's that. And really, I should be more concerned that when all of this was confirmed to me this morning, I was actually relieved that there wasn't anything even more horrific that I'd forgotten about.