Come To The Party, But Don't Have Fun

As everyone was gearing up for the company holiday party last night, we seriously got this email from HR:

Although we want everyone to have fun, we just wanted to remind everyone that this is a business affair and you should behave appropriately. If you are interested, here is a helpful link I found about office parties. http://www.applesforhealth.com/busetiq1.html

We all clicked on the link and found ourselves looking at a tutorial on how to behave at a holiday party. Apparently you should mentally replace the word "holiday" with "funeral" and you're all set.

So let's take a look at how I did, starting with number 10 since not only was it the most ridiculous, but it led to any other "mistakes" I might have made.

Mistake No. 10: "Don't have more than two alcoholic beverages and better yet, don't drink at all."

That's cute. Really. Of course I had my two alcoholic beverages within twenty minutes and kept going (lost count after the fourth shot of tequila), and then went around telling everyone that I had already made mistake #10, but I appreciate the suggestion.

Mistake No. 9: The College Bash. Using some of the speech and behavior allowed in college can show immaturity.

So suggesting keg stands and attempting to wear one of the tablecloths as a toga wasn't the right thing to do? Noted. I will totally remember that for 2005.

Mistake No. 8: Hanky-panky. No longer is an office party an excuse for employees to become intimate.

Okay, but we all know this one doesn't count if they're really hot.

Mistake No. 7: About My Pay. An employee who raises pay or other personal issues at a company party is marked as a person who does not understand what is and is not appropriate at social events.

Now this one was easy to avoid since everyone including myself knows damn well that I'm not even worth my current salary.

Mistake No. 6: Who's the Boss? It is amazing, but some young professionals do not introduce themselves to senior managers at a company party.

And what better way to introduce yourself to that Vice President you haven't met than "Hey you, wanna do a shot?"

Mistake No. 5: Me, Me, Me. Kennedy says self-centered young professionals will have trouble working in teams with others...and co-workers and bosses pick up on this.

I have to admit this was a serious problem, not only because I'm the most awesome person I know (and who wouldn't want to talk about that?) but because many of my coworkers are so boring that several times I considered sticking one of the toothpicks through my cornea just so I'd have something else to focus on.

Mistake No. 4: The Business-talking Bore. Some young professionals let ambition drive them. They don't know how to enjoy conversation unless it is only about business.

Ha. Funny because a) I just had to look up the meaning of "ambition" and b) I don't even talk about work IN the office. So I pretty much managed to avoid this one, unless yelling "HEY MARKETING, WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH?!" across the room counts.

Mistake No. 3: T-shirts and Sandals. Inappropriate dress at an office party draws attention, but the wrong kind.

Then you guys are sooo lucky my crotchless jeans were retired earlier this week, and I just wore my "FRIENDLY WHEN DRUNK" t-shirt to work a a few days ago.

Mistake No. 2: Forgetting the Boss is Watching. Senior managers pay attention to how people handle themselves at corporate events.

Hmm. So melodramatically exclaiming to the head of HR "Oh DEAR. I think someone over there just broke rule number SIX!" wasn't the right thing to do?

Mistake No. 1: The Blow-off. The biggest error is not going to an office party that is a "must-attend" event.

And after all of that I bet you wish you had left this one off the list, cause I didn't really wanna go in the first place anyway.