Friday, June 02, 2006

Always Remember What's Important

Sorry for the delay in a new post here -- yesterday I just kinda got sick of being in the office, so after I'd finished interviewing a potential new staff member, I left the office "sick" around noon and headed home to get a haircut, eat a big lunch, take a three hour nap, and generally do nothing. It was fantastic.

Along that same line of professionalism, I have the overwhelming urge to tell you all about the candidates I've interviewed so far for a designer position at work:

Candidate #1: One of those too-good-to-be-true situations. You have amazing designs, you're young but you seem mature and really friendly. And most importantly when evaluating a potential employee, you're totally hot. Now before you go calling me superficial and whatever else, please keep in mind that every office needs some eye candy. It motivates others to come to work in the morning, and it just brightens everyone's day in general. So naturally, you have a catch -- you need sponsorship because you're an immigrant like myself. I hate to sound like a hypocrite, but that could be a bit of a pain in the ass, so we'll have to see if we really want to get into all that. Ah well, you're still on the table. (I just had various dirty scenes run through my mind while I typed that last sentence)

Candidate #2: Dude, you're 28 and you look like Uncle Fester. How does one even accomplish that? (And please don't say heavy drinking and an unhealthy diet, cause then I might be screwed). I hope I didn't cringe when I first walked into reception to meet you. Not only that but you seem a little "slow" and your designs are just a bit crap, and I'm being generous here. Of course I still tried to stretch the interview out for a few extra minutes so it wouldn't seem too obvious that you were eliminated the moment I laid eyes on you, but anyone with half a brain would probably have seen what I was thinking. I'm betting you didn't.

Candidate #3: Oh sweet jesus, it gets worse. Seriously, I'd rather sit through a long and painful second round interview with Uncle Fester than have to look at you for 20 minutes. Make that 15, that's all I can take. If Skeletor became a hippie, I imagine he'd end up looking something like you. How OLD are you anyway? You must be at least 40, and I can't imagine your dream job involves being told what to do by an obnoxious twenty-something like myself. And could you please not try to bond over both being Americans. Actually, could you go back? I'll confiscate your permanent residency card myself, thanks.

Candidate #4: Nothing that interesting to say about you, really. You've got good designs, you seem normal and I'd say you have potential, and we'll probably end up hiring you. You're no hottie-and-a-half, but definitely not a certified uggo like the last two, so let's consider you a happy medium.

Wow, just re-read all of that. Sometimes I'm so shallow it hurts. But in a good way. And let's face it, most people think that way when hiring, so cut me some slack.

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