Regular readers will remember that exactly two weeks ago, Domini tried to kill a plant.
In honor of Arbor Day, I will give Domini a good smack in the face next time I see her.
Have a good weekend.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
Alcohol Does Not Turn Your Coworkers Into Friends
Something I fail to remember when I'm out drinking with the few coworkers whose company I actually enjoy is that I still can't talk to them like I would with close friends. This tends to lead to awkward conversations...
Coworker: Oh, Zander, I should send you this link, you'd love it.
Zander: What does that mean? Why would I like it? Because I'm black? Is it some African drum dance or something?
[stunned silence]
Zander: Uh...kidding!
Coworker: Right. Ha.
Coworker: Oh, Zander, I should send you this link, you'd love it.
Zander: What does that mean? Why would I like it? Because I'm black? Is it some African drum dance or something?
[stunned silence]
Zander: Uh...kidding!
Coworker: Right. Ha.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Who's Playing Again?
Yesterday I managed to score 4 of my CEO's tickets to the Yankee game, so a few of us headed up to the Boogie-down Bronx after work to attend.
As expected, Emily and I didnt have the faintest idea what was going on the entire time, but found other fantastic ways to occupy ourselves, like:
We could try to blame all of this on our "Giant Beers", but really, we're just assholes.
My CEO may not have his season tickets anymore (which would lead to me not having a job anymore), but damn it was worth it.
As expected, Emily and I didnt have the faintest idea what was going on the entire time, but found other fantastic ways to occupy ourselves, like:
- Emily's impression of a Serbian refugee at a rave
- Discovering that our cell phones will auto-complete the word "homosexual" (but not "homo", wtf) and immediately texting it to Andrew...sitting two seats away
- Loudly discussing my indecision about whether I find homophobia or misogyny more amusing
- Emily, upon seeing Hideki Matsui's signature on the big screen: "Oh look! He learned how to sign his name in English!"
- Generally pissing off everyone in the immediate vicinity
We could try to blame all of this on our "Giant Beers", but really, we're just assholes.
My CEO may not have his season tickets anymore (which would lead to me not having a job anymore), but damn it was worth it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...
On a whim, I've decided to allow comments on my blog. I'm a major control freak, so I don't know how I really feel about the idea of people being able to basically add content to MY blog, but figured I would give it a go.
I see this going several ways...
1) I am overrun with people posting crap all over the place, including incidents so embarrassing that I intentionally omitted them from my recap, and I am forced to take comments away.
2) Joe will be the only person who posts because he loves to see his own name in print.
3) Most likely, I am greatly overestimating the number of people who would notice or care that they could comment here, and this is a non-issue.
Wish me luck...
I see this going several ways...
1) I am overrun with people posting crap all over the place, including incidents so embarrassing that I intentionally omitted them from my recap, and I am forced to take comments away.
2) Joe will be the only person who posts because he loves to see his own name in print.
3) Most likely, I am greatly overestimating the number of people who would notice or care that they could comment here, and this is a non-issue.
Wish me luck...
Friday, April 22, 2005
Maybe It's Not The Alcohol...
It may have taken us a while, but Domini and I have realized that we're complete idiots when we're together - drunk or otherwise.
For example, the following managed to happen while we were still on our way to the bar last night:
For example, the following managed to happen while we were still on our way to the bar last night:
- Giggling like lobotomized schoolgirls the entire subway ride
- Running out of our subway car to get the train across the platform, even though we were already on the train we needed to be on
- Someone (me) getting their leg caught in the turnstile with another person (please, don't even ask how that happened, I have no idea)
- Someone (me again) walking into a guy on a bicycle
- Being mocked for acting like total jackasses by a complete stranger on the street
Actually I think booze might be what helps us focus. Just a few drinks into the evening, we were able to have deep - I might even say philosophical - discussions on female genitalia (always a favorite) and FUPAs. Thank god for half-price martinis.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Open Letter to My Cable Guy
Dear Cable Guy,
Maybe I should have realized it when you walked in and started rambling about god knows what for minutes on end, instead of asking me what you were there to fix. But I just thought you were friendly.
Perhaps it was a clue when you started singing in the middle of your own sentences. I figured you might just be a really musical person. Whatever that means.
One particular highlight was when you referred to yourself as "this nigga right here" twice during our very one-sided conversation.
I started to catch on when you dropped your equipment about 4 times within the first 7 minutes you were in my apartment. Still wasn't sure though.
And for the exorbitant amount of time you were on my roof, I was more worried that you might have fallen off and were lying in an alley nearby, bleeding internally.
So it really wasn't until you came back down from the roof and walked by me at close proximity that I realized you were completely shit-faced. Reeking of booze. While working. At 4:30pm. Nice.
Far be it for me, of all people, to lecture anyone else on substance abuse, but I generally don't recommend drinking when you know you're going to be spending the whole day messing around with various electrical outlets and the like. So maybe lay off the moonshine a little longer next time you're working - maybe until 5pm or so? - and then I won't have to worry about you so much.
Sincerely,
Zander
P.S. For future reference, I don't think most customers would take it as well as I did when you started looking through my mp3 collection and critiquing certain selections. We had an 80's party, so I downloaded a few songs that might not qualify as Grammy-worthy. Cut me some slack.
P.P.S. Don't suppose you have any recommendations on where to find a good flask?
Maybe I should have realized it when you walked in and started rambling about god knows what for minutes on end, instead of asking me what you were there to fix. But I just thought you were friendly.
Perhaps it was a clue when you started singing in the middle of your own sentences. I figured you might just be a really musical person. Whatever that means.
One particular highlight was when you referred to yourself as "this nigga right here" twice during our very one-sided conversation.
I started to catch on when you dropped your equipment about 4 times within the first 7 minutes you were in my apartment. Still wasn't sure though.
And for the exorbitant amount of time you were on my roof, I was more worried that you might have fallen off and were lying in an alley nearby, bleeding internally.
So it really wasn't until you came back down from the roof and walked by me at close proximity that I realized you were completely shit-faced. Reeking of booze. While working. At 4:30pm. Nice.
Far be it for me, of all people, to lecture anyone else on substance abuse, but I generally don't recommend drinking when you know you're going to be spending the whole day messing around with various electrical outlets and the like. So maybe lay off the moonshine a little longer next time you're working - maybe until 5pm or so? - and then I won't have to worry about you so much.
Sincerely,
Zander
P.S. For future reference, I don't think most customers would take it as well as I did when you started looking through my mp3 collection and critiquing certain selections. We had an 80's party, so I downloaded a few songs that might not qualify as Grammy-worthy. Cut me some slack.
P.P.S. Don't suppose you have any recommendations on where to find a good flask?
God Damn, That Poor Plant
Between the fact that I'm pretty much out of ideas for this blog, and I haven't done this in a while, here's a timeline of events from Friday night and pictures to help follow along...
8:34pm -- We meet up at my place for drinks. Joe shows up dressed like a tard in the aforementioned outfit.
10:02pm -- Run into someone from high school on the subway. Just a few stops later she says she's getting off the train, but we strongly suspect she went to another car just to get the hell away from us.
10:47pm -- Join several people at BLVD, which ends up being B&T Trash Central, as expected.
11:19pm -- In a move that even I find astonishingly hypocritical, Jessica refers to my friend Kevin as "kind of an asshole".
11:20pm -- An old school hip hop song comes on, and Jessica immediately commences the running man.
11:58pm -- Because plants are apparently not as sacred as cows in her homeland, Domini manages to walk into a potted plant and knock it over. (I was only able to get a picture of the crime scene after a Mexican had run over and cleaned it up.)
11:59pm -- An embarrassed Domini stands in a completely different corner trying to distance herself from what she's done...unfortunately I am pointing and laughing hysterically, so this tactic doesn't work.
12:18am -- We arrive at Sin Sin, where we set up shop next to the April Interracial Couple of the Month (in the background).
12:41am -- Just a reminder - THIS GIRL said someone else was "kind of an asshole". Right.
1:36am -- Carole and Domini start making out. (I don't actually remember this, it's just what the pictures tell me.)
2:04am -- Because I'm apparently a borderline retard, I see something blue and drink it. It's gross.
3:11am -- As if the waitress at my local 24 hour diner didn't hate us for yelling our orders at her like we thought she was Helen Keller, Joe passes out on the counter, and another night ends.
8:34pm -- We meet up at my place for drinks. Joe shows up dressed like a tard in the aforementioned outfit.
10:02pm -- Run into someone from high school on the subway. Just a few stops later she says she's getting off the train, but we strongly suspect she went to another car just to get the hell away from us.
10:47pm -- Join several people at BLVD, which ends up being B&T Trash Central, as expected.
11:19pm -- In a move that even I find astonishingly hypocritical, Jessica refers to my friend Kevin as "kind of an asshole".
11:20pm -- An old school hip hop song comes on, and Jessica immediately commences the running man.
11:58pm -- Because plants are apparently not as sacred as cows in her homeland, Domini manages to walk into a potted plant and knock it over. (I was only able to get a picture of the crime scene after a Mexican had run over and cleaned it up.)
11:59pm -- An embarrassed Domini stands in a completely different corner trying to distance herself from what she's done...unfortunately I am pointing and laughing hysterically, so this tactic doesn't work.
12:18am -- We arrive at Sin Sin, where we set up shop next to the April Interracial Couple of the Month (in the background).
12:41am -- Just a reminder - THIS GIRL said someone else was "kind of an asshole". Right.
1:36am -- Carole and Domini start making out. (I don't actually remember this, it's just what the pictures tell me.)
2:04am -- Because I'm apparently a borderline retard, I see something blue and drink it. It's gross.
3:11am -- As if the waitress at my local 24 hour diner didn't hate us for yelling our orders at her like we thought she was Helen Keller, Joe passes out on the counter, and another night ends.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Fugging It Up
Apparently Mr. Joseph Nahasapeemapetalan never got the memo that you do not wear two sets of stripes together.
Especially not a pink, blue and white-striped shirt with brown pin-striped pants.
Topping it off, bad pun intended, we have a red cap that bouncers at every establishment had to ask him to remove.
Good planning Joe. And once again dude...double-you tee eff?
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Hungover and Bitchy
Spent most of the day feeling a little worn out from last night's whiskey marathon, and naturally this resulted in several coworkers getting blind-sided by my nasty attitude.
At one point I'd made just enough mean comments about a certain fellow employee that someone nearby turned around and said "You know, this is why some companies have sensitivity training."
Thank god mine isn't one of them. I'd just have to start calling in sick on days like this.
At one point I'd made just enough mean comments about a certain fellow employee that someone nearby turned around and said "You know, this is why some companies have sensitivity training."
Thank god mine isn't one of them. I'd just have to start calling in sick on days like this.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Is This What Heaven Is Like?
Who knew the magic contained in those words? Within seconds I had several glasses of scotch sitting in front of me, including one poured from a bottle that lived on one of those shelves so high up behind the bar that you didn't know it existed. Alcohol content of that one? 55 percent, thank you and good night.
So I've decided that Oban Single Malt Scotch Whisky is my new favorite scotch that I'm probably too cheap to buy for myself. Johnny Walker, you still have a customer.
After all that, the wine with dinner, the cognac with dessert and the additional vodka tonic at the bar afterwards, I'm not even going to pretend I remember enough to finish this post.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Overheard In New York This Weekend
Can't really tie the weekend together, partially because I remember very little from Saturday night, so here are my favorite conversations from the past couple of days instead of anything really coherent...
Conversation #1
Zander: WHOA, we drank half the bottle of vodka in like an hour!
Jessica: What do you mean 'we'? I've been drinking rum.
Zander: Oh. Crap...
Conversation #2
Zander: Hi, can I get a chicken kebab.
[less than a minute later]
Zander: Hi again. Can I get another chicken kebab?
Vendor: Uh, sure...
Zander: Hey, can I get a hot dog.
Vendor: What about the kebab?
Zander: Yeah I want that too, I just want the hot dog while I'm waiting for the kebab.
Conversation #3
Zander: Hey look, it's the lead singer from Blink 182.
Jennie: Ooh! Can I ask him for his autograph?
Zander: NO. That's embarrassing.
Jennie: Oh come on, please, I LOVE Blink 181.
Zander: Blink 182.
Jennie: Yeah, I love them!
Zander: *sigh*
Conversation #1
Zander: WHOA, we drank half the bottle of vodka in like an hour!
Jessica: What do you mean 'we'? I've been drinking rum.
Zander: Oh. Crap...
Conversation #2
Zander: Hi, can I get a chicken kebab.
[less than a minute later]
Zander: Hi again. Can I get another chicken kebab?
Vendor: Uh, sure...
Zander: Hey, can I get a hot dog.
Vendor: What about the kebab?
Zander: Yeah I want that too, I just want the hot dog while I'm waiting for the kebab.
Conversation #3
Zander: Hey look, it's the lead singer from Blink 182.
Jennie: Ooh! Can I ask him for his autograph?
Zander: NO. That's embarrassing.
Jennie: Oh come on, please, I LOVE Blink 181.
Zander: Blink 182.
Jennie: Yeah, I love them!
Zander: *sigh*
Sadly, We Were Sober
I was about to make a quick post about this weekend when Emily alerted me to the fact that there was a conversation on Overheard In New York that was eerily similar to something I would say.
Went to check it out, and it seemed like someone actually heard myself and Domini talking, and submitted it. Of course it's patently offensive in a way that only Domini and I could achieve.
I realize we were sober at the time, but as I recall we were definitely on our way to a happy hour, so it still warrants being posted here.
Very exciting stuff. Now if only I could be someone's Missed Connection...
Went to check it out, and it seemed like someone actually heard myself and Domini talking, and submitted it. Of course it's patently offensive in a way that only Domini and I could achieve.
Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit
for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.
I realize we were sober at the time, but as I recall we were definitely on our way to a happy hour, so it still warrants being posted here.
Very exciting stuff. Now if only I could be someone's Missed Connection...
Friday, April 08, 2005
National Alcohol Screening Day
Happy National Alcohol Screening Day to everyone out there!
In case you were worried that you might be a healthy individual, fear not -- according to someone (we can only assume it's those 'experts' we're always hearing about in the news), "Moderate alcohol use is defined as up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people."
Which makes everyone I know over the age of 11 a serious alcoholic, but whatever. It's not like I haven't spent plenty of time ripping on the supposed definition of alcohol abuse before.
Don't panic just yet though -- I went out for drinks with my coworkers last night, and we established that unless you wake up naked with an overweight farm animal and some used sex toys in your bed the next morning, you didn't overdrink the night before. Feeling better already, huh? Yeah, I can tell.
In case you were worried that you might be a healthy individual, fear not -- according to someone (we can only assume it's those 'experts' we're always hearing about in the news), "Moderate alcohol use is defined as up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people."
Which makes everyone I know over the age of 11 a serious alcoholic, but whatever. It's not like I haven't spent plenty of time ripping on the supposed definition of alcohol abuse before.
Don't panic just yet though -- I went out for drinks with my coworkers last night, and we established that unless you wake up naked with an overweight farm animal and some used sex toys in your bed the next morning, you didn't overdrink the night before. Feeling better already, huh? Yeah, I can tell.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
The Night of Bad Ideas
I always find it funny how perfectly good ideas can turn into crappy ones with just a little tweaking. Let me use the photos from Friday night to illustrate my point...
Good idea: Sipping Captain Morgan as part of a mixed drink, in the privacy of your own home or the confines of a legal drinking establishment.
Bad idea: Chugging the Captain straight out of the bottle on public transportation.
Good idea: Playing "duck-duck-goose" with classmates in kindergarten.
Bad idea: Playing "duck-duck-goose" with complete strangers on the streets of Brooklyn. (Joe, one day you will get stabbed, and I will laugh heartily at the destruction you have brought upon yourself.)
Good idea: Doing a pole dance, perhaps licking the pole suggestively, in a strip club.
Bad idea: Doing a pole dance on the germ-infested and disease-ridden subway and licking a pole that a homeless guy was probably using for support just a few minutes earlier.
Good idea: Karaoke night with all of your friends.
Bad idea: Karaoke night with all of your friends...and a bunch of fucking clowns who happen to show up and get on everyone's nerves.
Good idea: Inviting your brother and his girlfriend to hang out.
Bad idea: Inviting your brother and his girlfriend to hang out with these idiots.
Good idea: Sipping Captain Morgan as part of a mixed drink, in the privacy of your own home or the confines of a legal drinking establishment.
Bad idea: Chugging the Captain straight out of the bottle on public transportation.
Good idea: Playing "duck-duck-goose" with classmates in kindergarten.
Bad idea: Playing "duck-duck-goose" with complete strangers on the streets of Brooklyn. (Joe, one day you will get stabbed, and I will laugh heartily at the destruction you have brought upon yourself.)
Good idea: Doing a pole dance, perhaps licking the pole suggestively, in a strip club.
Bad idea: Doing a pole dance on the germ-infested and disease-ridden subway and licking a pole that a homeless guy was probably using for support just a few minutes earlier.
Good idea: Karaoke night with all of your friends.
Bad idea: Karaoke night with all of your friends...and a bunch of fucking clowns who happen to show up and get on everyone's nerves.
Good idea: Inviting your brother and his girlfriend to hang out.
Bad idea: Inviting your brother and his girlfriend to hang out with these idiots.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Dinner, Interrupted
Last night met up with Emily and Jessica who were joining me at a family dinner in midtown. The night was off to a great start, and I had some scotch for my sore throat, but after downing a few glasses of white wine I was hacking up a lung and decided it was best if I went home without dessert.
Of course, this wasn't before I decided to stop into a local drug store to grab some Nyquil. Thank god there wasn't a security guy by the door, since I was clearly drunk (or possibly retarded). Despite the fact that the door was open and there were plenty of shoppers in the place, I actually leaned my head in the doorway and shouted "ARE YOU GUYS CLOSED??" Still not sure why I did that.
After everyone looked at me like I was insane, I entered the store with about as much grace as a fat chick on stilts, and bumped into TWO product displays before finding what I was looking for and getting out of there.
My apologies.
Of course, this wasn't before I decided to stop into a local drug store to grab some Nyquil. Thank god there wasn't a security guy by the door, since I was clearly drunk (or possibly retarded). Despite the fact that the door was open and there were plenty of shoppers in the place, I actually leaned my head in the doorway and shouted "ARE YOU GUYS CLOSED??" Still not sure why I did that.
After everyone looked at me like I was insane, I entered the store with about as much grace as a fat chick on stilts, and bumped into TWO product displays before finding what I was looking for and getting out of there.
My apologies.
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