Am I An Alcoholic?

Just the other day a friend read my blog and 'jokingly' sent me a quiz from AA that apparently determines whether or not you should start your 12 steps.

So in the interest of calming any of you who might be worried about my drinking habits and their consequences, I give you the breakdown:

1 - Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

Hmm. No, the longest I've ever claimed I would stop drinking was for about 4 days, so I'm not even going to read past the first half of the question. Answer: No.

2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?

Not really, I find it amusing when people give me "helpful advice" about how much I should drink. Why they hatin' on the good times? Answer: No.

3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

Okay, this one I'll have to cop to. There was a time when i realized that vodka was water as far as my body was concerned, so I switched to drinking a couple of Long Islands when I went out. Yeah, big mistake, obviously. So I switched back to vodka. Granted, I wasn't trying to keep myself from getting drunk so much as wanting to stop falling down in bars and vomiting on acquaintances. But I'll give this one to the drunks, think of it as a charity point. Answer: Yes.

4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?

During the past year? Answer: No.

5 - Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

Uh sure, about as much as I envy people who have 'feelings'. Answer: No.

6 - Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?

Once I thought I could actually hear my liver calling from inside me, trying to tell me to go fuck myself. But that was in like, 2002, and you *specifically* asked about the last year. Answer: No.

7 - Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

A few months back I spilled a screwdriver on my computer keyboard and the 'F9' key has been sticky ever since. It was tragic. Answer: Yes.

8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

Hello? Haven't you people ever heard of a flask? Answer: No.

9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

I always intend to get drunk. Answer: No.

10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?

Now that's just irresponsible. I do what any corporate lackey should -- I show up hungover (or maybe even still drunk? score!) and sit here being just about as productive as I am any other day. Bonus points for booting in front of a VP or higher in the bathroom! Answer: No.

11 - Do you have "blackouts"?

Sure, but isn't it more fun to hear about what you did from friends or a police report than to just wake up and remember everything that happened? Besides, that hasn't happened since Saturday night. Whatever. Answer: Yes.

12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

Oh, the sacrilege! I'll pretend you didn't even ask. Answer: No.


Did you answer YES four or more times?

NOPE. Only 3. I am totally in the clear. Although the next time you're looking for more friends, maybe you should just ask nicely instead of posing ridiculously vague questions that 80% of young adults would answer yes to so they feel guilted into joining your club.

Oooh, that was kind of harsh. Sorry guys, drinking gin before noon on a weekday always gets me a little cranky.