Saturday, February 26, 2005
"The SmartKlamp, a novel disposable circumcision device."
My many issues with this include the fact that you are asked to choose between being a medical professional or a parent/end user. How about if this is something you want done to yourself or a loved one, you just go to a doctor, mmkay?
Also charming is the fact that they have to specify that it is for one time use only. Oh really? That's a shame, because I was really thinking about getting one, using it, and then loaning it to a few buddies.
Gross. I'm going to need at least 6 drinks tonight to forget about this. Or to buy one and bring it to bars with me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
In what might have seemed like a blatant attempt to damage race relations for several generations, we were absolutely belligerent the entire time, even when sober. Here's why dark people like us should really stay out of New England:
- Because we discuss anal sex at charming little diners with toddlers sitting less than 2 feet away
- We ridicule Red Lobster for hours on end, knowing that it's probably the nicest place these people ever eat (and only on special occasions)
- Blasting hip hop (or perhaps the occasional European dance track) from our SUV while we're stopped at gas stations is NOT the way to appeal to white country folk
- Because we cram SEVEN people into a suite reserved for FOUR, and bring enough alcohol to satisfy your average Catholic family
- Tumbling down the side of a mountain apparently does not qualify as 'skiing', judging from the looks on everyone else's faces (we would have been sooo much better if we weren't hungover)
- The pot smoke billowing from under the door of our room is probably not what the people at the "Castle Resort and Spa" expected when paying $275 per night to stay there
Fortunately for the average ski enthusiast, Domini and I are not exactly the next Vijay Singh and Tiger Woods of the ski world, so their sport is safe. For now.
(Apologies for the current lack of pictures, but Domini stole my camera and may have pawned it to support her smack addiction, hopefully we'll have those in a few days)
Saturday, February 19, 2005
So I'm gonna get it all in singles, and roll around naked in it on my bed for a little bit. And then I'm gonna go blow it all on a vodka tonic.
Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Friday, February 18, 2005
"Lovely weather we're having, isn't it? Yes, we might need coats tomorrow, pity."
Zander's conversation with his parents when he's having dinner at a nice restaurant:
"Hey you guys, when I touch my butt I can feel my pulse! Weird, right?"
Needless to say I was shortly sent home in a cab, without any cognac.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Question #1: WHEN did it become a good idea to start drinking at 6pm on a Friday night at an establishment that serves 25 cent beers?
Question #2: WHY, after all of our ghetto ranting and raving (the topic was possibly oppression of the dark races), are we still allowed on the Upper East Side?
Question #3: WHY, only minutes after learning that grapefruit juice exacerbates the effects of alcohol on your body, did we immediately pour ourselves multiple grapefruit and vodkas?
Question #4: WHAT is it that makes Jordan's Cheesepocalypse ("A cheese snack so devastating that it could potentially bring about the End of Days.") so absolutely perfect?
Question #5: WHY is this picture so representative of our relationship with alcohol?
Question #6: HOW is Jordan such a good dancer, and why won't he teach me his secrets?
Question #7: WHO in christ's name thought it was still a good idea to go to a club after Jessica put on her dance show?
Question #8: WHY do taxi drivers love us? We're dark and we're assholes.
Question #9: WHO lets us into a club when half of us can barely stand up straight?
Question #10: HOW did we not get kicked out after claiming a reserved table for ourselves, dancing like assholes in the middle of the club, and dropping/breaking not one, not two, but FOUR glasses in the course of two hours? (Seriously -- at one point the barback was just standing nearby waiting for the next drink to fall. I shit you not.)
Question #11: HOW did Cristin manage to snag the hottest chick in the club?
Question #11: WHY is Joe such a douche?
Question #12: HOW did Jessica manage to spill Captain Morgan all over the inside of her purse?
Please email all answers to ZanderMan@gmail.com. Cheers.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Zander: What are you laughing at?
Ryan: I just pictured that fat guy on skis.
* * * * * * * * * *
Random Guy: Hey, do you remember my friend Jeffrey?
Phil: WHO, THE FAT ONE?!
* * * * * * * * * *
Random Guy: Did you sleep with him?
Phil: Well, I always have had a thing for the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Oh dear, I just realized that all of the insults were about fat people. I apologize to fat people everywhere. Oh wait, I don't mean that...
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Jessica (to random guy walking by): Hey baby how you doin?
Guy: [pretends not to hear her]
Jessica: Yeah that's what I'm talkin' about.
Guy: [still pretending not to hear her]
Jessica: Mmm hmm that's right. Work it.
Guy (turns around): Are you talking to me?
Jessica: DAMN RIGHT I'M TALKIN TO YOU, AND YOUR FINE ASS.
Guy: [continues walking away]
Jessica: YOU AND YOUR TIGHT ASS. JUST LIKE TWO SWEET, SWEET APPLES!
Guy: [probably terrified]
Jessica: ...IN A BAG!!
Guy: [disappears down the block]
Jessica (in all earnestness): Why didn't he stop and talk to me?
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Shortly thereafter, I genuinely began to feel bad that whoever this was hadn't found what they were looking for. So, courtesy of Brian Battjer and his photo blog, I give you a picture of a drunk midget:
And I believe I get extra points for the drunk midget being Asian.
As for the person who was looking for "wet his pants", I have a feeling we're no more than few weeks away from an appropriate picture of yours truly in a similar situation.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Zander: Hey, do you know what happened to my flask? Did you take it?
Mother: Excuse you?
Zander: I had a flask. In college.
Mother: I have no idea.
Zander: I need a new one, want to buy one for me?
Mother: You have to promise me you won't take it to work.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
A woman arrested after failing a sobriety test and telling police she drank three glasses of Listerine has pleaded guilty to drunken driving. Carol Ries, 50, was pulled over after she rear-ended another vehicle at a red light on Jan. 9.
Police found a bottle of Listerine in her car, and she told them she had drunk three glasses earlier in the day. Her blood alcohol level was more than three times the legal limit, police said. According to Listerine manufacturer Pfizer Inc.’s Web site, original formula Listerine contains 26.9 percent alcohol, while other varieties contain 21.6 percent alcohol.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Dear Guy On Subway: I'm sorry, but your outfit was really stupid, and Jessica and I simply had to have a picture of it. We hope for your sake that you were on your way to a costume party.
Dear Lesbians: Maybe it was all the sangria, but I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I attempted to funnel three beers -- especially considering I've never funneled anything before, and I don't really drink beer. Regardless, I apologize for covering most of your party guests in cheap beer, and I fully understand if I am not invited to the next gathering.
Dear Domini: Sorry I keep getting drunk and taking pictures of your boobs. I'm sure the novelty will wear off. Someday. Maybe.
Dear White People Who Got the Cab We Wanted: I feel really bad about implying you took the cab because you were racist, and telling you that "you better get your act together for Black History Month". That was somewhat inappropriate.
Dear Avenue A: I'm sorry my friend vomited all over you. That must have sucked.
Dear Emily: Wow - I can't imagine why I walked up to the guy you were talking to, even though I had never met him before, and told him "Dude, you are totally her type, you should tap that ass. You totally could if you wanted to." Hope that wasn't awkward, considering he was your good friend and all.
Dear Friend of Emily: Sorry if I scared you. But seriously, you could hit that if you put a little more effort into it.
Dear Patrons of Bar #2: I know what you're thinking -- "He probably should have stopped drinking before he thought it was a good idea to start doing the Electric Slide in the middle of the bar. By himself. Poorly." You're probably right.
Dear Anyone I've Forgotten: If I don't remember it, it doesn't count. Screw you.