Thursday, May 12, 2005

Just What I Needed: More People To Hate Me

Email exchange from yesterday...

Zander: Let's drink.

Jessica: After work?

Zander: I can wait if I have to.

Jessica: What do you want to do?

Zander: Remember when we used to go out after work and get ridiculously wasted and yell at strangers and harass bartenders until they wouldn't serve us anymore? Let's do THAT.

Jessica: Cool.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hours later...

Jessica on phone: Where are you?

Zander: At a bar. I needed a drink and I got tired of waiting.

Jessica: I'm only 8 minutes late you alcoholic asshole.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was obviously in a certain mood yesterday, so I met up with Jessica and Joe, the perfect partners for a nice little beligerent night out in the city. Here are some stats to summarize the rest of the evening:

Bartenders who appreciated our fashion critique: 0

People who appreciated our tips on oral sex: 1.5 (she was fat)

Bartenders that had to ask us to "calm down": 2

Truly amazing performances of Journey's "Separate Ways": 1 (thank you, Jessica, loved the air kicks)

Performances ruined by Joe singing along: 7

People in lower Manhattan yesterday evening: 346,708

People who hate us after last night: 123,354 (we estimate at least half of those people already wanted us dead before last night, and we don't blame them)


Joe said...

yo dude what was the inappropraiate thing i said that the daughter on the street found funny...but the mom didnt...but then i said that her mom didnt out loud...i dunno..

Zander said...

First of all, you ass, it wasn't a mother and daughter, it was two women in their 20's. I'd like to pretend you were just really drunk, but we all know you're stupid.

As for the comment, you were loudly explaining to Jessica how having a foreskin makes masturbation more pleasurable.

And that, my friend, is what you get for asking.

(Actually when I first tried to remember, I thought it was when you yelled out "It's not cheating, cause it's MY DOG!!", which neither the nearby labrador or it's owner seemed to find amusing.)

emla said...

Joe is douche.

Truecraig said...

Joe seems pretty entertaining to me. I'm not too sure about his editor though.

'...a foreskin makes masturbation MORE pleasurable.'

... ?

More? Interesting concept. Like butt plugs, I guess.