Feeling lazy and uninspired today - well, moreso than usual - so I'm going to take the easy way out and post something that I had nothing to do with.
This list of Alcohol Troubleshooting Tips that Cristin was kind enough to forward along includes a lot of helpful advice. Consider the following:
Symptom: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another drink.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself tied to the bar.
Symptom: Drink is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.
To be honest I'm not sure about that last one, since someone might have been thoughtful enough to buy me a glass of pure vodka, but who am I to argue. I plan to carry this around with me for reference from now on, I'll let you know if it works out.