According to a new study, "Alcohol may help mind stay sharp" and "a drink a day slows mental decline".
Now some of you may be thinking, "But Zander, you drink a lot more than one a day."
Let me lay some logic on you though: On the average Friday or Saturday night, I have about 15 drinks. So that's 30 drinks a week, a tad over the 7 you're thinking it should be.
But wait, oh less knowledgeable ones. I have to compensate for all those years between infancy and the ripe old age of 18, before I knew how much fun it was to drink until I couldn't see.
And that averages out to LESS than a drink a day the whole time I've been alive. I'm gonna start catching up this weekend though, just you watch.
Before you bother going through this again and looking for flaws in my logic, keep in mind that I drink more than you, therefore I am smarter than you. So just take my word for it, drink more, and I'll see you guys in Mensa.