Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Forgetting my personal rule about never hanging out with coworkers other than the occasional lunch (in fear of them finding out that I'm not only lazy and stupid, but kind of a huge drunken asshole), I attended a social gathering last night with a few of them.

Of course 6 beers on an empty stomach got a decent buzz going, and I haven't quite decided which of the following got the biggest look of disgust from all in attendance:

• Proclaiming that I think vegetarians -- whom I referred to as "some picky motherfuckers" -- totally suck, and discovering at the end of my rant that half of my coworkers in attendance were vegetarian.
• Telling everyone how when I see cows, I get hungry. Seriously. Cow --> hamburger. It's an obvious connection. Stop looking at me like that.
• When my coworker would tell us something about her home in rural India, I would respond with "You know, I'm a really worldly person...but that just ain't right."
• After all that it really didn't matter what I said, so I completed my act by telling everyone that America is a toilet, and I was just biding my time until I could get the hell out

So I'm not really surprised that everyone gave me the look of death when I attempted to right all of these wrongs by announcing that I was one of the most tolerant people they will ever meet ("No, really, I care about poor people and stuff."), and I'm sure they just misinterpreted whatever it was that seemed to offend them.

I'll also be looking for brand new lunch partners next week, in case anyone in the financial district is interested.