Friday, December 23, 2005

Things That Go Crunch In The Night

Easily one of my biggest fears when I came to Australia was that I would see spiders and cockroaches all the time. As many of my friends know, while I'm more than willing to jump off of waterfalls or go swimming at Bondi Beach the day after a massive tiger shark has been spotted, point out an ugly insect and I'll scream like a woman and do something resembling an Irish jig for about two minutes straight.

Since this sort of thing is constantly in the back of my mind (and everyone here loves to bring it up and make fun of me), I figured I would break it down just a little bit, so people can be a little more understanding of my fears...


Yes, so I realize this is a completely irrational fear. But while they may not be poisonous or anything, I still constantly have awful images of waking up to find a cockroach has crawled on me in the night and eaten part of my face, or something equally stupid and horrible. In the end though, they are just really really ugly, and much like ugly (or fat, or poor) people, I'd really just rather pretend that they don't exist. Which makes it that much more shocking when I see one.

Of course with the almost constant summer weather there are plenty of roaches around here, or at least more than I would see in New York, so there have been several displays of my ridiculous fear of these things.

My favorite rebuttal from Australians so far is "well yeah you might see them once in a while, but they're not dirty like the ones in New York".

RIGHT. Thank you. Seriously I feel so much more comforted. Because really, it was the fucking DIRT on the roaches that was freaking me out. Assholes.


Now this one makes just a little more sense. As most people know, Australia has something like 7 of the most 10 venomous spiders in the world. Granted I'm unlikely to ever see one of those, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it.

The other day I thought I saw a poisonous redback spider (it wasn't, of course) and was told that they often hide under toilet seats out in the bush, and bite you on the ass when you sit down.

Now let me tell you something. I have determined several acceptable ways to die. In a helicopter crash in the South Pacific is one. Perhaps a small yachting accident off the coast of Greece would be another. On the other hand, I can confirm right now that being found lying dead on a bathroom floor with my pants around my ankles and a turd hanging out of my ass is definitely NOT on the list. So forgive me if I keep such things in mind when I'm wandering around in anything resembling nature.

Anyway, that is all. I hope this little rant has given you all a chance to understand me a little better, and perhaps be a little more sympathetic in regards to my delicate mental state. Good day.


Dorothy said...

More like a good laugh, although i can understand. I don't like Cocroaches and Spiders either.

emla said...

Dude, there's a tremendous cockroach in the bathroom at work RIGHT NOW. I almost cried as I had to duck under the doorway it was hanging out on. This office is a p.o.s.

And, let's not forget our friendly neighborhood centipedes.