Bloody Hell

So I've been in the UK for less than a week, everyone here is ALWAYS DRUNK, and my entire family seems ready to kick me out because it takes me 10 minutes to finish a pint of lager instead of the family average of 47 seconds.

Sweet jesus I don't even know what else to say. How does this country operate?? You can even buy booze at Blockbuster Video. I...don't...understand...

Next update will have to be from Sydney, I'm off tomorrow AM. Assuming I'm sober enough to drive when I wake up.

And I'm Off...line...

I'm mere minutes away from being cut off from the web for a while. Hopefully I'll be back to the blogging world within a few weeks. Everyone take care and drink a few in my honor.

Just One Addition To The Friday Recap

Loving this conversation Giant struck up with Daniel, whom he had never met before...


Giant: Excuse me.

Daniel: Yes?

Giant: Why are you dancing?

Daniel: What do you mean?

Giant: Well, are you dancing because you want girls, or are you dancing because you want boys?

Daniel: Um...why??

Giant: I'm writing a book.

FAQ

So if you actually read the nonsense I post here every few days, you're aware that I'm moving to Australia for a few months. Between my friends and a few reader emails, I figured I would answer a few questions about my little adventure:


WHY ARE YOU GOING TO AUSTRALIA?

Yeah, this one is pretty basic. Essentially, one of my very few goals/dreams in life is to live abroad for a little while. And since I was in Australia last year, I've decided that Sydney was the place I wanted to be. The timing is perfect because I have a couple of friends down there temporarily, in addition to my family who lives there, so it's a 'now or never' sort of deal, and I'd rather not spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't have the balls to do it. Besides, everyone there is always drunk. I shouldn't need more reason than that, right?


WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO DOWN THERE?

Uh...that's TBD. I'm pretty sure I'll want to get a job of some sort, if only to make sure I don't get bored with lying on the beach, and maybe meet people. But at this point I'm open to doing almost anything. A lot of people have suggested that I should be a bartender, but there are a couple of issues with that -- a) bartenders in Australia don't make nearly as much as they do in a place like New York (no tips) and b) based on my previous bartending experiences, I'd probably end up passed out on a couch in a corner of the bar, OR simply too inebriated to open a bottle of beer without injuring myself.


HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING FOR?

Hmm, well the original plan was just to go for around 4 months, but now I'm considering extending it for a month or two. After that I'd probably come back to New York and get back into my usual routine, aka being a horrifying display of why prohibition might have been the right way to go.


ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP BLOGGING?

That's a good question. I'm spending a week of vacation in the UK first, and I don't know what kind of computer access I'll have on a daily basis in Sydney, so it's going to be at least a couple of weeks without any posts here. In the meantime, everyone should refer to all those nifty links to other blogs and sites on the right side. God knows Cristin and Vicki should have enough entertaining tales to keep you going, them bitches post like it's going out of style.


I think that's all the big questions I keep getting. Other than "why are you such an asshole?", but I'm still trying to figure that one out.

How Could I Forget...

...a huge shout out to my friends who chipped in for a brand new shiny flask for me to take on my trip.

The engraving? "good riddance, darkness" Brilliant.

And The Award Goes To...

One would think that if I had a huge farewell bash and 75 or so people showed up, that one of the usual members of the crew would make the biggest ass of himself. But one would be wrong.

I'd like to thank my mild-mannered roommate for coming out. Sad thing is, the poor kid was planning to stay in and do work until we badgered him into coming to the club for at least a couple of drinks.

This picture above ends up being the last thing he remembers. Shortly afterwards he managed to break approximately four glasses, at which point I suggested he head home in a cab.

It's still unclear what happened after that, but he definitely woke up IN THE HOSPITAL the next morning with no recollection of how he got there. Don't worry, he had no injuries, it's okay to laugh. My favorite part of the story is that when he woke up, the first thing he thought to himself was "Shit, am I in New Jersey??" Because yes, being in New Jersey is clearly the worst thing that could have happened when you wake up in a hospital and have no idea how you ended up there. Awesome.


Otherwise, the party was awesome, or so I hear. I'd be lying if I said I remember much after the first few drinks, but if you really have the energy to look at almost 200 pictures of drunk people, you can go ahead and take a look yourself.

I had spent some time looking at this picture and trying to figure out who it was, but I now have witnesses who saw the guilty party stick the camera down her shirt, so at least that mystery is solved. I'll keep it to myself and spare her the embarrassment, cause I'm a sweetheart like that.

And so ends my week of farewell parties. I should probably start packing or something, huh?

If Resumes Weren't Complete Lies...

In honor of my last day at this company, I decided I should put together an honest job description that you definitely won't find on my resume:

• Deflected large amounts of work using various strategies (scattered papers around my desk, walking quickly through the halls as if doing something remotely important) to give the impression that I was far too busy to do anything else; effectively allowed myself to spend 90% of time in the office on blogging and various other personal internet activities
• Abused freedom of position to take an estimated 217% overage of vacation days in 2005, all off the record
• Served as a central fixture in the flow of gossip throughout the company and across all departments
• Spearheaded and actively participated in the "Mean Girls" contingent in the office; the team's crowning achievement was having a coworker quit claiming she could no longer take our offensive and inappropriate commentary, leading to a sexual harassment investigation

Ah, confession is good for the soul. If I had a soul, that is.

Why Having A Reputation As A Drunk Isn't All Bad

My coworkers just came over to me with a standard farewell card, and a big Mickey Mouse bag. At first I was concerned, since I can't imagine why anyone would think I'd want something from the Disney store.

Turns out the bag itself was only for the humiliation factor, since I still have to take it home on the subway. How about inside there were 20 bottles of assorted liquor -- I'm expected to drink them on the flight down, but I think pretending these little bottles of heaven are going to make it through the weekend would be a lame pretense.

Thanks, guys. My liver hates you eternally, but my love for you right now should balance that out.

Not A Real Post...

...just another retarded alcohol-related internet game for you.

Crazy Story

Okay, so get this.

I was walking down Wall Street this morning and I hear someone call out my name. So I turn around, and there's girl I definitely don't recognize coming towards me. She walks up, and she's like "Hey!" and I seriously can't figure out who she is. So I tell her she doesn't look familiar, and she tells me "I know...actually, my original name is Daniel. We went to summer camp together."

So I'm dumbfounded. I can't believe this is a DUDE standing in front of me, it's all very convincing. We make some small talk, catch up, but I'm still in shock. Finally though I couldn't hold in my curiosity, and I had to ask.

"Sorry, but I just have to ask, I hope you don't mind...what was the most painful part about becoming a woman? I assume it's when they did their thing...you know...down there." She tells me that wasn't it though. Then I was like "Okay, so it was the breast implants, right?" And she said that wasn't it. At this point I have no idea, I ask her "So what was the most painful part about becoming a woman?", and she told me "Actually, it was when they made my mouth bigger and my brain smaller."

Seriously.

I'm Too Sexy For This Blog

Last night was Farewell Party #3 -- Farewell Happy Hour & Karaoke with only the coolest people I know.

I figure I could take some time and make a quality blog post...or I could just post a bunch of pictures that tell the story and call it a day. I think you can guess which direction I'm gonna head in, though.

So here are pics of each of the fantastic performances from yesterday, where everyone who came was required to sing me a song with a goodbye/farewell theme of some sort. Here was the track list...




I kicked off the night with "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls. Vocally it was a disaster (my throat is still a mess) but fortunately I had Jordan and Chris as my backup dancers to distract the audience.







Then came Jordan featuring Cristin with Bon Jovi's "Always", which must have been awesome because it's still stuck in my head. Or maybe that's because it's just about the last thing I remember of the night. Either way, jolly good show.






And then, yet another stunning rendition of "Separate Ways" by Miss Jessica. And yet another standing ovation from the audience and staff.






There was the touching performance by my brother, singing "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday".







Then I decided to mix it up a little, and do "I'm Too Sexy". No, it's not a farewell song, but it was MY party and I could make my own rules. And I am too sexy, so it was appropriate in general.






Jaya and Melissa managed to make it through "I'll Be Missing You", even with me drunkenly interrupting them every 7 seconds. Well done, ladies.






As expected, Joe was too douche to properly stick to the theme, but "Down Under" was relevant, so I managed to not rip his balls off, curry them, and feed them to him for dinner.









Cristin and Jordan (with help from all of the drunkards) tore it up with the classic, "Total Eclipse of the (Fuckin') Heart".







They also sang "With Or Without You", a song I find vaguely insulting, but I'll try not to take it personally.








Emily picked an awesome one, with Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing".






And don't tell anyone, but my eyes might have teared up a little when Belle sang "Right Here Waiting For You". Seriously, that's a secret.






My personal highlight though was probably when Jessica decided to do an interpretive dance to a song some dork outside of our group was singing. Not quite sure what the song was, but apparently the accompanying dance called for lots of jumping, thrashing, and ended with a nipple pinch. All I can say is that people were scared.






Finally, 'Big Knockers' and Melissa got up to sing "Baby Got Back", which clearly has nothing to do with me, since it's not farewell themed, and I literally have NO ASS. This effectively ended the night.






So all in all, it was just as awesome and brilliant as I had hoped and dreamed it would be. Full set of pictures can be found HERE, as usual there are enough in there to make your eyes bleed, so click carefully.

And so, farewell week continues...

Cheese.

Sorry but this is so weird I had to share...

So I wake up at 10am this morning, and I'm tossing and turning in bed, and I can only think of one thing. Cheese. Seriously. Tons of cheese. Eating it, slicing it, putting it on bread or crackers and eating it that way. I wish I could explain how it was really the only thing I could think about. I was this close to whacking off thinking about cheese, that's how bad I wanted it. It was possibly the strongest craving I have ever felt in my life.

I actually got out of bed, put on my clothes, and went and bought three kinds of cheese at the supermarket. I've already tried two of them in 4 hours, and the third is only a few hours away.

WTF. I know. I'm sorry, but I had to get this off my chest.

Unfortunate Events

Thursday evening started as goodbye drinks with my colleagues, as everyone bid a very happy farewell to the person who has blatantly sit in the office for three and a half years and done less work than an 6-year old epileptic midget chimp could have completed in much less time.

After a few hours, I grabbed a couple of the people whose company I actually enjoy, met up with some others, and went out on the town for drinks, dumplings, and karaoke. Good times of course, but both myself and New York as a whole could have done without several elements:

• Hanging out with two girls nicknamed "Big Knockers" and "Little Knockers", both of whom seemed way too comfortable being called those names in public
• My attempt to buy a pair of briefs at Dumpling Man that said "Eat My Dumplings" on the crotch
• The bitchy cashier telling me that even if she did have them in stock, they'd probably be too small for me
• My (way too loud) response -- "BUT THAT'S THE POINT, PEOPLE NEED TO SEE THE DUMPLINGS!!"
• "Barbie Girl", a duet by Little Knockers and Zander
• Me singing "I Swear" by All-4-One
• Me singing "Mambo Number 5"
• Me singing. Period.

Of course now my throat is a complete mess from all the singing and drinking and yelling and god knows what else, so I'm gonna have to take it relatively easy to make sure I'm in top form for Farewell Happy Hour and Karaoke on Tuesday. Which means...boring blog for a few days. My bad.

I Have A Future In Graphic Design

Just wanted to share the graphic I sent out with the evite to one of my farewell parties -- I'm getting a mixed response on whether it's better or worse than the one I did for this blog a few months back.

Either way, I'm a dick. With way too much time on his hands.

Damn Shame

I'm pretty sure that giving notice at work, much like finishing finals senior year of college and that sort of thing, instantly causes your IQ to drop about 80 points.

Proof? This idiotic 'game' has held my attention for way too long, and I'm guessing it will continue to do so for the rest of the afternoon.

And I'm not sure I mind.

Weekend In Review*

*I'm obviously gushing with creativity today


27 YEARS OF DOUCHE

Friday night we celebrated Joe, the court jester of douche, and his birthday. The most shocking moment was when he actually managed to tell me that he wanted to go to Sin Sin. Keep in mind this is a kid who wouldn't be able to tell you if he'd like some more AIR if you put a gun to his head, so this was like watching his personal growth right in front of my beautiful brown eyes.

Still, questions were raised that evening:

How much does a 6'8" Indian (dot, not feathers) weighing 250 pounds have to ingest to be completely wasted? We never got the stats from Varghese, but he definitely managed to show up to my apartment at 9pm with issues getting from one end of the hallway to the other. Shining moment? Upon realizing that 75% of the males in my livingroom weren't circumcised, turning to Jeff and yelling "WE HAVE ENOUGH FORESKIN IN THIS ROOM TO COVER YOUR FACE!". And then turning around, walking out of the room, and promptly slamming his face into one of my hanging lamps. Smoothness, dude.

What does it take for our crew to NOT be the most obnoxious idiots on the subway? Um, a lot. More than we've ever witnessed before. And yet, it happened. Competition was fierce between the 74 Mexicans in our subway car alone who were chanting soccer anthems, and the ghetto youths who as soon as we sat down walked up to me and asked about Jessica "Yo is that your wife?!" (I told them she was my sister, and they promised to show respect while hitting on her.) Key quote was when Joe followed one of his comments with "Psych!" and one of these future leaders of society said "Oh SHIT that dude just said 'Psych'!! He must be MAD old yo. I'm nineteen...he must be twice my age...he must be like...FORTY SIX!" New York City Public Schools, represent, yo.

When will Emily realize that she's not supposed to dance on couches? I don't know, but I hope it isn't anytime soon. Go on with yo bad self!! And don't let nobody hold you down. Except for the bouncers. They're big.

How many pictures is too many on a night like this? Not quite sure, but I'd have to guess that number is definitely lower than ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR, which breaks previous records as far as I know for a few drunken hours out on the town. If you're looking to kill a solid 10-15 minutes at work, the whole set is available here.


COURTNEY'S BDAY

Emla and I headed up to Cristin's place for pre-gaming for Courtney's birthday. I was hesitant to go along with the group, considering the birthday celebration was at Red Sky, which generally elicits reactions ranging from "God, I hate that place" to "That's a bit close to the PATH trains" to "Oh sweet Jesus that bar makes my eyes bleed".

Still, I was in the mood for fun and we ended up having an awesome time, although what I remember best is Cristin not being able to get over the "bartender with the Whitesnake hair", which caused us all to look and smile/laugh in her direction every 4 minutes, I'm sure she wasn't self-conscious at all.

Cristin's recap of the night is way better, so mosey on over there for more details.


FAREWELL PARTY #1

Sunday I barely managed to stumble out of bed in order to get over to Natsu's place, where she was awesome enough to make her housewarming party double as a farewell dinner for yours truly.

I'd like to pretend that I didn't repay her kindness by drinking several glasses of sangria, eating a ton of food, and then passing out in her bedroom for over an hour, but then I'd just be lying, really.


Now I'm trying to stay mostly sober until Thursday's Farewell Party #2 with my work colleagues. I'm guessing meeting up with my mom this evening isn't the way to go. Shit.

Jealousy, I Know Thy Name

IM conversation with my boss earlier today, who just started working in the Marketing department at a liquor company...

Former Boss: at our company cafeteria
Former Boss: we can get 2 glasses of alcohol AT LUNCH
Former Boss: and i have to spend $700 on alcohol by the end of the year for "brand building"
Former Boss: my first day i had 3 bottles of finlandia vodka on my desk
Former Boss: and after i met with the HR lady she gave me a bottle of scotch


Drinking at lunch? Spending insane amounts of money on liquor? Alcohol in the office? It's just like my life now, and yet I'm still jealous. Please explain.

Rough Weekend

I had serious issues crawling out of my bed this morning -- who knew 5 days of heavy drinking and no sleep might slow me down? I finally felt compelled to do so when I heard my roommate who doesn't even have a job heading out the door, and figured getting to work by 11am might be enough to look like I'm still trying.

Additionally, I looked at a few numbers regarding my upcoming departure from the greatest city in the world, and ended up a little disturbed:

Days until I leave NYC: 16

Movers scheduled: 0

Bills cancelled: 0

Other practical preparations made: 0

Farewell parties completely scheduled and organized: FOUR


If this wasn't so fucking typical of my retarded priorities, I'd be somewhat amazed at my own stupidity right now.

Point of it all? There might not be a weekend recap until tomorrow. I'm sure you understand.

Now That's More Like It

Yesterday after work there was a company celebration. Can't remember why, probably something to do with me being almost out the door and not managing to run the company into the ground in over three years of disservice.

I wasn't originally in any rush to get there, and then while talking to movers on the phone at my desk, I repeated back the following information out loud: "Right. $500, 4 guys, 4 hours. Sounds good." Which of course prompted a coworker nearby to stand up and say "Hey dude, whatever floats your boat." and walk off without giving me a chance to explain. Fantastic. Someone pass me a Stoli and tonic before I hear the first rumors.

The event was scheduled to start at 6pm, so naturally I headed up to the bar at half past five to open the tab early. And needless to say, my mouth was running in no time.


Things I Said (Loudly) Before The Victim Had Finished Turning Away

"I don't like that woman."

"God, I bet even that guy's parents think he's a tool."


Things I Said To People's Faces

"You're like the Queen of [Company]!" -- to the flamboyantly gay editor-in-chief

"Well, you do kind of have a big ass." -- to a male coworker I have patently ignored for over a year, until last night


Ah, nothing like burning bridges.

Once I was finally refused service (the staff claims the open bar was closed, but I think that might only have applied to me) I took a sobering subway ride home so Emily and I could watch the latest episode of Footballers Wive$ on BBC America. And don't even think about rolling your eyes at us -- this is a show that contains an estimated 50 seconds of football in the entire first season, has a lead character named 'Chardonnay', and last night's episode ended with an old nurse being caught getting it on with a dude in a coma. Perfection, thou hast arrived.

Yeah, Not Sorry I Missed It

I agreed last minute to head out with some coworkers after work yesterday, and within 2 hours we had been drinking in three locations and everyone had that glazed over look in their eyes that always spells trouble.

And what did I do? I am really embarrassed to have to admit this, but I went home before midnight. While this may seem a little conservative, please keep in mind that this decision was made with respect to the fact that I will be drinking for the next 4 nights, and I still managed to offend at least two people before I headed off. (My apologies to the small Asian man for my comments regarding his family/heritage.)

And of course we have the others, who weren't as wise:

Coworker #1: It's almost noon, and he's still not here. Although he did call me earlier to tell me some long rambling and slurring tale about late night karaoke, not being able to get into his apartment at 3am and waking up on his parents couch. He also seems concerned that one of our female coworkers will never speak to him again.

Coworker #2: Rolled in a little after 11, is not yet capable of speech.

Coworker #3: Managed to show up before 11, and IMed me with "stiiillll druuuunk", which I now have to consider as the new title of this blog.


So now I've heard something of a recap, and I have to admit there seems to be an element of "That Which We Will Not Speak Of" in the air, and I'll have to spend the next week trying to find out what the hell went down.

In the meantime, and for future reference, does the fact that I went home make me smart, or lame?

Happy Birthday Joe

While we prepare the celebration for Joe's 46th birthday or whatever it is at this point, I wanted to give Joe my own little birthday gift on the actual day that we all mourn the date decades ago when this world got just a little bit dumber.

So Joe, this is it. Enjoy.

Excuses, Excuses

Despite it only being Tuesday, Jessica and I were having a rough week and decided to meet up for booze and food last night. We were joined by Emily, who was pretty much there to let us know that her life was still perfect. Bitch.

Sat in a booth, which is always fun because we get the mistaken illusion that we're in our own private environment. And of course when we get up to leave, the people who overheard choice comments like "BUT I'VE HAD HIS BALLS IN MY MOUTH!!" give us those disdainful looks we're so used to at this point.

Anyway, wish I had a better excuse for my lack of posts, but that's all I got. In the meantime, I have some pictures from Jamaica. As I've warned everyone else, they're not nearly as entertaining as my other slideshows, but at least you get to see my dark side of the family. I'm still trying to figure out which one stole my watch. (Kidding!)

Here you go.