Speechless, For Once

Coming from a rather progressive and international family, I'm often just amused at stories from friends about crazy conservative relations who spew all sorts of intolerant crap at family get togethers. I've always wondered what it's like to have to deal with people like that despite the fact that you are poles apart on almost any issue of the day.

Well, I wonder no longer. For the last few years I've been catching up occasionally with a family friend here in Sydney. Keep in mind that she used to be as progressive and international as my family, however in her later years has turned into a raging conservative who is appalled to anything resembling change.

We recently caught up for a meal, and the highlights low lights of the conversation from her end included:

• Indian men are arrogant (based on conversations with at least two of them, apparently)
• Town Hall shouldn't have a rainbow flag over it to acknowledge Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras (one of the events Sydney is most known for globally) because it's not "a real flag"
• It is completely fair to generalize that Islam is a violent religion and Muslims are all extremists based on the actions of a few (in defense of globally reviled Dutch racist Geert Wilders)

We debated all of these things, and I tried to find a halfway point acknowledging that maybe some people from each culture may be a certain way, but to characterize them all that way is unfair and rather ridiculous. She didn't necessarily agree.

In any case, she's only getting older and more scared of the changing world, so if nothing else I will probably keep getting together with her once in a while in order to bring you the worst of her offensive rants. At the very least we can try to remember that apparently right wing rage can happen to anyone.

If The Shoe Fits, You're Fired

My latest obsession at work is judging people by their shoes. Because it's amazing what you can tell about someone by what they choose to place on their feet.

There are the people who wear sneakers or thongs/flip flops around the office. These tend to be people who have a role they're very comfortable in and don't see any real desire for advancement. (This also applies to people who get face tattoos.) Don't even get me started on Crocs, but I have seen them in the office and had to assume that these were people who aren't familiar with the internet, where such footwear is mocked widely.

Of course you always have the ladies who wear crazy heels in an effort to be fashion forward, but unfortunately just look like strippers. That's okay, they'll probably marry well. Or at least blackmail some married guy to find their way to success.

Possibly the most frustrating are the guys who wear shoes that are appropriate for work...if you work in 1998. I mean seriously, where are they even able to buy those things?? They're never getting promoted.

But easily, the most rage-inspiring "shoes" I've seen on someone are open-heeled dress shoes on a man.Haha, I bet that didn't even make sense to you when you read it. Yes, I said dress shoes on a man that are open-heeled. Sort of like this:

I told you. I think these were created to test my character as a human being. And it has failed that test, because I will never ever forgive the man I saw wearing these a few weeks ago. It's like business up front and party in the back - an actual shoe mullet. You asshole. What on earth were you thinking??

While I think it should be standard practice to fire someone on the spot for such a travesty, Australia isn't quite as loose as the US when it comes to being able to fire people for absolutely anything you can think of, so I will just have to settle for the fact that the man wearing said shoes is a contractor and probably won't get renewed when the time comes. Thank god.

Aw, I Missed You

Mickey is visiting Sydney and staying with me for a few days. After arriving on Saturday morning, he wasted no time with anything pathetic like sleeping after a 24 hour journey. No, we had a few drinks, went to dinner, a couple of bars, and around 4am I found myself picking him up off the bathroom floor and helping him find his bed. At least he was fully clothed. Although that somehow makes the whole thing even weirder, if you ask me.

Sunday was another session, and I may have had to work from home on Monday. In any case, I'm almost feeling human again today. And I think that may mean it's time to head off and meet Mickey for margaritas. Shut up, liver.

It's All Relative

Just when I was feeling a bit embarrassed about my now only occasional but still juvenile inability to pace myself while drinking, Juice comes back with stories that make me feel so much better.

See, Juice apparently works for a company that hires only serious drinkers and borderline alcoholics. So on Friday night, after a particularly heavy session, one of his female colleagues ended up vomiting all over the train while on her way home from the bar.

Not to be beaten, a male colleague eventually ended up in the hospital and on a drip after too many tequila shots.

Ah, schadenfreude. You're always there to prop up my dignity in times of need.

Party Like It's 2006: Sunday Session

As I've probably documented on this blog, Australians are firm believers in "the Sunday Session" - getting together in the afternoon on a Sunday to start drinking with no end in sight, everyone pretending every step of the way that none of us actually have to do anything productive the following day.

So after a long 5-course lunch in the sun, CJ and I wandered over to the pub to have "just one or two more" before calling it a day.

Alas, I have no recollection of the last two hours of the afternoon, despite being home by 8pm. And so, after two Sundays in a row that probably didn't need to involve quite so much alcohol, I've decided I should possibly avoid returning to the glory days of 2006 where Sunday Sessions were a permanent fixture of my social calendar. Because, hell, I am way too old for this shit.

15 Ways To Look Like An Idiot

Earlier this week someone posted a link to an article with the tantalizing (and inherently ridiculous) headline of "15 ways rich people think differently" by some fool named Sarah O'Carroll who apparently interviewed an even bigger fool named Steve Siebold who wrote a book called How Rich People Think. Granted, this article was from news.com.au, which is probably the least likely place on the web to get anything resembling real insight. But I'm a sucker for a stupid headline and wanted to see if the contents could possibly be as dumb as expected.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was nothing short of blown away that someone would actually write this and then post it on the internet with their actual name attached to it. (Better yet, it's apparently based on a book that someone wrote about this topic, dear lord.) Let's take a moment, shall we?

THE rich think differently to the rest of us.

True. They think "I'm rich!" while the rest of us do not have that luxury. That's really where this piece should have ended.

You need look no further than mining magnate Gina Rinehart with her “get out of the pub” comments or billionaire Clive Palmer’s plans to build Titanic II to see that.

Just for some context, Gina Rinehart is one of the world's richest women - because she inherited a fortune from her father. But that apparently gives her the right to berate the vast majority of people who weren't handed insane sums of money.

And Clive Palmer is someone who would rather use his money to build another Titanic (because the first time went so well?) instead of, oh I don't know, funding education programs or feeding starving people in countries no food. In short, he is an asshole.

1. Rich people think selfishness is a virtue
Average people feel they need to save the world and put others before themselves which is keeping them poor. Rich people take the attitude that if they don’t help themselves first they can’t help anyone else.

I'm pretty sure most of us know more than a few selfish assholes who are not rich. Just a hunch.

2. Rich people have an action mentality
You wouldn’t see a rich person lining up to play the lottery (even before they were rich). Average people are always waiting on someone else to help them get rich - the Lotto, Government, friend or spouse – but it only keeps them poor. Rich people take action and spend time solving problems.

A very basic Google search would actually show that a lot of millionaires play (and win) the lottery. Also, I will comment on stupid generalizations at the end of this hot mess, but love the use of "always" to describe how "average people" wait on someone else to help them get rich. Also, the equating of average people with poor people, because that is apparently the same thing? (Let's not even get into the number of rich people who haven't solved a problem in their lives. I'm looking at you, Kardashians.)

3. Rich people favour specific knowledge over formal education
Average people believe the road to riches is through doing masters and doctorates. Rich people are generally rich because they have made money selling a specific knowledge they have acquired. 

Did you decide to actually educate yourself? You fool! Loving the implication that people only pursue education in order to acquire wealth, because what other reason could there ever be to learn anything, right?

4. Rich people dream of the future
Rich people spend a lot of time looking into the future, setting goals and looking forward to what lies ahead. Average people dwell on the past which often holds them back by making them unhappy or depressed.

Yeah cause all you AVERAGE PEOPLE are like that dude from Memento. Obviously.

5. Rich people think about money logically
Average and well-educated people can fall into the trap of thinking about money emotionally and just wanting to retire comfortably. Rich people maintain a logical relationship with money viewing it as a tool that represents options and opportunities.

Now this is interesting - the explicit equating of average and well-educated. Something tells me the guy responsible for these idiotic points is desperate to validate the fact that the extent of his formal education was being home schooled by his creepy uncle.

Also, everyone who just wants to retire comfortably instead of acquiring massive amounts of wealth to the detriment of your entire society? IT'S A TRAP.

6. Rich people follow their passion
Oprah Winfrey said it – you’ve got to follow your passion and do what you love. Rich people find a way of getting paid for doing something they love. Average people earn money doing things they don’t love.

Ha, I bet you thought you rather liked, maybe even loved your job until you read that, right? SUCKER. Not possible. Unless you're rich. Apparently.

7. Rich people aim high
Average people set low expectations to avoid disappointment whereas rich people set huge expectations and follow their dreams.

I guess we're not mentioning all the people who set huge expectations and follow their dreams into failure and oblivion. That's cool. I'll just move along. Nothing to see here.

8. Rich people believe you have to “be” someone
Average people on the other hand believe you have to “do” something to be rich and focus on immediate results. Rich people continuously focus on bettering themselves and learn from success and failures.

Man, I knew I shouldn't do anything. I just need to better myself. But not through education. That would make me average. I think? What's happening?

9. Rich people use other people’s money
Average people believe they need their own money to make money whereas rich people have no problem using other people’s.

What does this even mean? Are we at least admitting that most rich people have access to resources that the vast majority of people never will? Or are we basically just recommending that people steal shit from others, a la Bernie Madoff? Because if that's what it said it would actually be THE MOST LOGICAL PART OF THIS ENTIRE LIST.

10. Rich people live below their means
It seems contradictory to the above statement but rich people adopt the attitude of getting rich so you can afford to live below your means. Average people live beyond their means.

How does that seem contradictory? It's a lot easier to live below your means when living just within your means would require buying several small nation-states. Also, there are apparently no average people whatsoever who know how to manage their finances. Good to know.

11. Rich people teach their children how to be rich
Average people teach their children how to survive whereas rich people teach their children from an early age about the world of haves and have nots. 

"Hey, Jimmy? See all this wealth I've accumulated and will give to you despite you have done absolutely nothing to earn it? Here. Now you're rich. I'm such a good parent!"

12. Rich people don’t let money stress them out
Average people do. Rich people find peace of mind in wealth and are not afraid to admit that money can solve most problems – allowing them to make more money. Average people see money as a continuous battle and necessary evil they have to endure.

I love this one. Because rich people are never stressed about money. I mean, the global financial crisis in late 2008 alone would prove entirely otherwise, but maybe if we just block that out of our memory people will think you have a clue what you're talking about.

13. Rich people would rather be educated than entertained
Average people are the opposite. They read novels, tabloids and entertainment rather than continuously educating themselves after school.

Yeah, damn all those average people paying $20 million and up to do things like fly into space for a few days at a time. Or am I reading that wrong? Maybe it is rich people who pay for that sort of entertainment (to the point that a list of space tourists actually needs to list the participants "source of wealth"), but they'd RATHER be continuously educating themselves after school. Got it. My bad.

14. Rich people surround themselves with like-minded people
Average people think rich people are snobs and have a negative attitude towards the super rich. Rich people steer clear of the doom and gloom attitudes and people – adding fuel to the fire of the “snob” label.

Actually most of the biggest snobs I know are people who can't pay off their credit card bills, but let's not let the personal experience of everyone ever get in the way of yet another broad generalization.

15. Rich people focus on earning
Average people focus on saving and miss big opportunities by trying to live frugally. Rich people constantly focus on the big picture – and how to earn the big bucks.

You average idiots, saving and living frugally. But wait, I thought point 10 said that you're living beyond your means? Huh? Does not compute. Maybe this is why the list ends here. Because the author's brain exploded under the weight of all these contradictory and nonsensical statements.

But in the end, it's just amazing that someone could even pretend to believe these stupid statements about how all this type of people are like A and how all this other type of people are like B. You know where you're most likely to see theories like this? Racist websites. "BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAZY AND ASIANS ARE GOOD AT MATH." That is the intellectual level we're dealing with here.

Of course one more point could have been added that would have been entirely accurate. People who are not rich and never will be rich buy books about how rich people think. And the guy who originally spewed all of this crap may well end up being wealthy because of them. Funny how that works.

Your New Best Friend

Juice is potentially looking at getting a flatmate at some point in the next month, and so he figured he would look through Gumtree (for the Americans, it's basically what's used in Australia instead of Craigslist) to see what sort of people were out there looking for a room.

This has resulted in a few pretty good laughs, but I thought I'd share my favorite with you:

Let's just take a moment, shall we?

"I am Bi, transexual, love to x. dress"

Are you by chance also a black lesbian midget amputee? Seriously, how many demographics are you trying to cover here? Also, would LOVE to meet the women you date, being bisexual and all.

"just want to be relaxed where i live"

So do I, buddy. Which is why I already know I would never want to live with you.

"Can afford anything"

Except you listed your price as a rather measly $150/week.

"even to set up a new residence with right person.. , not fat/old or a user"

That's charming. Basically you want them to accept your oddities, but you won't tolerate anyone who isn't young and slim. Even if you're referring to yourself, this information doesn't exactly paint you in the best light my friend

"genuine also. loive to live life to fullest,..and enjoy."

But that means no fat or old people, remember!


Also, in general, what the hell is up with the punctuation, the grammar, the capitalization? Or should I say the severe lack of all of those things. Infuriating. Would love to know what "good job" you claim to possess, because it clearly isn't anything that involves the written word.

In any case, I highly recommend Juice lets this one move in. For my amusement if nothing else.

Doctor's Orders

Dental issue seems to be resolved. I went back yesterday (this time to my usual dentist, who told me I was an idiot for taking the laser treatment option) and we just ripped the offending tooth out. Some actual conversations during the 40 minutes I was there:

Dentist: So what do you want to do?
Zander: Let's just rip the tooth out and call it a day, shall we?
Dentist: You know, you may want to just get the bottom wisdom tooth out as well while you're here.
Zander: I don't think that will be necessary.
Dentist: But...
Zander: Listen, I majored in Marketing. I think I know what I'm talking about


Dentist: Okay, so no drinking at the moment while you're healing.
Zander: Wait, for how long?
Dentist: A few days, I guess.
Zander: This is important. I need you to be specific. Can I drink on Friday?
Dentist: Oh whatever, you can drink tonight if you want to.
Zander: Sweet.


Dentist: Now go straight home, get some rest and start taking the painkillers.
Zander: I have tickets to see Prometheus in 3D at the IMAX theatre in 90 minutes.
Dentist: Ooh, tell me how it is! Oh, and no popcorn.


(For the record, my laissez-faire attitude towards medical advice hasn't seem to have backfired. Yet.)

Aussie Aussie Aussie!

I love how the majority of the time that Australians get international attention, it's for something really stupid and immature. Like this:

Good News or Bad News?

The bad news is that I am so pathetic these days that I had to leave work at 3pm yesterday so I could go home and take a nap. Otherwise I wouldn't have had energy for dinner with friends at a really good French restaurant.

The good news is that I live in a country where this is not only acceptable, but encouraged. My boss actually asked me why I was still here at quarter to 3, when I was clearly really tired before midday.

Now if only I'd been able to use that sort of leeway to spend that time at the pub. The younger version of myself is seriously unimpressed.

Low Point of 2012...I Hope

It's been a hectic year already, scary considering we're not even a quarter of the way through. And I've probably already got a few highlights.

As for lowlights, well, it would probably be having to walk around in broad daylight with a friend dressed like this:

I could give you some long excuse about how he was promoting a show and so on, but really, nothing makes this okay.

Hey, You Guys!

It's Australia Day! Let's all use this day off work to get together at midday and get absolutely hammered. I mean, how else would you celebrate a bunch of Europeans arriving in a foreign land and claiming it for themselves while killing off all the natives, right??

See also: Columbus Day.

When Going To Work Feels Like Summer Camp

I often tell people that living in Australia feels like a permanent vacation, but of course I at least have some mild levels of stress to deal with every now and then. We all have to at least pretend to do work sometimes, if we're going to keep this charade going.

Of course this week is different, as it's the week before Christmas. At least 20% of the company is already on vacation, so the rest of us are basically just killing time before our team lunch starts at 11am tomorrow (Friday).

And so today, someone actually brought in an insanely geeky board game (remember, I work in IT), and we just spent THREE HOURS playing it, only to then join some other members of our department who inexplicably have a massive cooler full of beer sitting in their part of the office.

Australia, I still have eyes for no one but you.

How Could I Forget

Someone pointed out that I haven't shared one of my more notable stories here, something almost reminiscent of my ridiculous days back in NYC.

In short, I got completely and utterly smashed at the work Christmas party (career be damned, I say!) and at one point struck up a conversation with Alex Perry, a top Australian designer and one of the resident bitches on the judging panel of Australia's Next Top Model.

At one point I said "You know, I'm still waiting for you or Sarah [the host] to ask me to co-host Top Model next year."

Without missing a beat, he responded "The last thing I need is another tall bitch standing next to me on TV."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he has one of the bitchiest jobs in the world. Because he really is that good at it.

It Has Arrived

Here in Australia, we have what's called "the silly season". It starts around Cup Day in early November, and then with all of the Christmas parties, birthdays, BBQs, a few public holidays and so on, we effectively don't sober up until after Australia Day at the end of January. I really don't know how we cope.

So this weekend, I hosted sunset drinks at my place on the Friday, went to watch the polo (aka pay zero attention to the sport being played and judge everyone's outfits) and attended a surprise birthday party on the Saturday, and then had lunch, golf, and book club on the Sunday. And it was relatively relaxing.

Forgive me if I go quiet this week - since I am clearly not satisfied with the ridiculousness of the Australian holiday season, I have my annual Thanksgiving feast on Saturday which requires me to host and prepare around 6 dishes myself. Updates on what I ruined coming next week.

Best Tuesday Ever

In all the Halloween excitement, I almost forget that it is followed closely by Cup Day. For those who haven't seen what is likely an annual post on the topic, Cup Day is the first Tuesday in November, when the entire nation leaves work around noon to have a long lunch and then continue drinking themselves into oblivion all afternoon. Just because some horses race against each other for 2 minutes around 3pm.

Yes, this is a real thing in a real country. Go figure.

The best part was how in the evening I met a few friends for some more drinks, and one of them brought along an American guy who had arrived in Sydney from New York that morning. I'm not sure if that will make him thoroughly excited about moving to Australia, or insanely disappointed when he realizes that we only binge drink like that on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.

Okay, I'm Not *Actually* Dead

Wow, only just realized that I haven't blogged in weeks now. And when I just came here to log in, it took me about four attempts to remember my password.

The saddest part is the reason I haven't blogged - it's because work has actually taken over my life lately. To the point that I've canceled most of my social engagements over the last couple of weeks to accommodate the fact that 12-hour days are not out of the question at the moment.

The benefits of working my ass off are that my days completely fly by, I actually feel like I'm earning my paycheck, and I have a whole new set of arch-nemeses on which to practice my most passive aggressively worded emails and my utterly condescending stares. I'm looking at you, stupid fat chick.

The downside of course is that I have no life, meaning I have nothing of value to blog about, unless you really want to hear about the new recipe I tried in my slow cooker the other day. (It really was delightful.)

As a matter of fact, the only thing I can think of sharing is that I spent last weekend in Hobart, Tasmania, an odd little island off the south east of Australia's mainland that's a little bit New Zealand, a little bit England, and a whole lot of Middle-earth, at least judging by all the short overweight people without any fashion sense. Pretty sure this was the most fashionable outfit we saw the whole weekend:

But yeah, nice place.

Snowing in Sydney

Can't forget to relay the most ridiculous part of the weekend, which occurred at the Christmas in July dinner I attended. For the record, this was indeed a dinner involving proper food brought along by the guests.

Which made it even more shocking when a friend's 3-year old daughter ran up to her mother and said "Mummy, there are people upstairs putting white makeup on their noses."

For the record, I was not one of those people, and I went home before the 3-year old did. Good lord.

Breaking The Bank

The weekend ended up being bigger than planned. Went to a comedy charity event on Friday evening, which was fun, although I do have this bit of unsolicited advice for comedians - if you're performing at an event that raises money for sick children, doing a 10 minute bit that mocks people with disabilities probably isn't the way to go. (Even if I did find it hilarious.)

Saturday was booked for a lunch with a few friends, where a few of us spent a few minutes during our expensive lunch to discuss how being older has resulted in us preferring to spend $150 on a great meal with friends instead of dancing to loud music in a room full of a strangers. We then proceeded to spend the following 7 hours doing exactly that, so apparently being older just means we spend twice as much money.

And so, Sunday was recovery day, with an alcohol-free breakfast and an afternoon spent on the couch catching up on mediocre television programming. Because there's nothing that makes you feel better about boozing away an entire day of your life than forcing yourself to sit through recent episodes of Desperate Housewives while sober.

Found: Our Spots in Hell

This past weekend was the long-awaited LOST party. In a bit of a throwback to the 90s and rave dance parties, you only get told where this party will be a couple of hours before the actual event. And the theme for this one was "Lost at the Altar", basically a wedding theme.

We knew the party was going to be hectic in an awesome way, but nothing really prepared us for the fact that everyone seemed ready to get hammered (or already there) from the moment we got there around 3pm, and it only got better (worse?) from there on out. All I can really do is let a few of the photos tell the story.

I decided to go as a hipster priest - with tight black shorts, hipster shoes that also look like something a poor religious person would wear, and sunglasses. Throw in a cross hanging in front of my crotch and I was set. (The 'stache was just for effect, it didn't make it out of my apartment.)

 The creativity was pretty impressive with some costumes:

Not so much for all of them though:

I'm not sure what's more appalling - the fact that the dude on the left is definitely in blackface so that he could be Usher, or the fact that it literally took me about 36 hours to make the connection between Usher and a wedding theme:

And this pretty much sums up how the night ended - because I have no idea who these people are, and I certainly don't remember hanging out with them, yet we have about a dozen photos together:

Alas, I'm really not sure I will go to any more of these parties. It was one of the best days I've had in a while, but it's also Tuesday and I'm not entirely sure I've fully recovered. Also, the the photos suggest that I need not do anything else beyond this party to earn a pretty cozy spot in hell, so really why put in the effort.