The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Pop Trash

Okay so I'm not Billboard magazine, and I don't expect anyone to really care what I think, but there seems to have been a lot of "big" new songs out in the past month or so and I feel the need to comment on a few of them:


Christina Aguilera, "Ain't No Other Man"

I've never been a huge Christina fan, I find her voice annoying and it certainly doesn't help that she's about 4 feet tall and pretty damn fugly even after thousands of dollars of makeup are thrown on that mug of hers. There are trolls under bridges somewhere that have more potential than this one in the looks department. Having said that, I kinda liked a few songs off of her last album so I was pretty disappointed by this lame effort. Really now, if you're going to make us wait years for a new single, why does it have to be so retro that it just sounds old and dated? I'm mostly sure that it was just an excuse for her to keep attempting to pull off her whole Marilyn Monroe-wannabe look for another 5 minutes, as if we're all going to forget her looking disgusting and humping a guy in mid-air in the video for "Dirrrrrty".


Beyonce, "Deja Vu"

I think this is one of those cases where an artist shoots themselves in the foot by having a song so massive that they can never live up to it again. I think most people can agree that "Crazy In Love" was a classic pop song, proven by the fact that dance floors will still get packed even when it's been played at every club, every night, for the last few years. This new song is probably better than the other singles from the last album, but if you had to choose which one to get a party started, CIL would still win out. At least she gets a little attention for her dancing in the video, which is either derived from an epileptic seizure or simply an interpretation of Shakira on crack. I kinda like it.


Fergie, "London Bridge"

See, now this is a good first single. Not because it's soooo good and no one will deny it (I can only imagine how much some people must hate this one) but because it's just gimmicky enough to be a huge hit and then fade from the public consciousness before this chick releases her next album. I'm also still really torn on whether or not Fergie is attractive or not -- I see what people mean about her looking plastic and odd, but there's still something really hot about her. The legs, perhaps?


Justin Timberlake, "Sexyback"

Honestly, I don't really know what to say about this. I can't believe after such an entertaining first album that this steaming pile of crap is what we're supposed to be happy with after years of waiting. Does anyone like this? Do I just need to give it a few more chances? And how can Timbaland make such a great song for Nelly Furtado and then leave this for JT? I bet Justin wishes he had done "Promiscuous". But whatever, you know everyone will buy this album, so in the end he still wins.



Otherwise, I am still enjoying the sillier aspects of music that places like Australia and Europe seem to love so much. Why just the other day I saw a remix of a Michael Jackson song (I think it was "Somebody's Watching Me") where they re-enacted the "Thriller" video but it was in a subway station (a la "Bad") and best of all MJ was replaced with a midget version. Creepy and fantastic.

There's also a Basement Jaxx video (which are always awesome) for their song "You Don't Know Me" that I hadn't seen before, where they have a Queen Elizabeth II look-a-like running around London drunk, going to strip clubs, starting fights on the street and fare-dodging on the tube. Even though I knew it wasn't her I kept thinking "oh my god, I can't believe she just did that!", which may officially make me a moron.