Thursday, February 09, 2006

Australian Crap You Don't Care About, Chapter 274

Because I'm sure I can't even begin to imagine how badly my mostly American blog readers want to keep hearing all about a show that will certainly never even air in the northern hemisphere, here's an update on the remaining mingers from Australia's Next Top Model and how I feel about each of them:

Remember how I warned you that there were ugly girls on this show? Meet JESS. She's the girl who everyone keeps saying is 'edgy' or 'for a niche market', which roughly translates to 'the big pile of ugly, but let's keep her around so all the less attractive viewers can root for her and pretend that there's some different kind of pretty out there in the world that they can hope to achieve one day.' As the photographer on this week's show put it, "She's just not as pretty as the other girls, it's time for her to go." Mmm hmm.

Ah, EBONI. It's not just her name that's retarded, I should warn you. She's not bad looking as long as she doesn't open her mouth, but once she does you are left with no doubt that she suffers from a debilitating mental illness. And then in the last episode it was revealed that she had some kind of abnormality in the arteries leading to her brain. Shocker. Which will come first, elimination or a brain hemorrhage? Only time can tell.

LOUISE, the other remaining uggo. She has red hair, and let's face it, that's never gotten anyone very far now has it? She also has this ridiculously annoying habit of putting herself down at every judging, which just makes you want the judges to tell her "Damn you're right, you are fat, ugly and talentless...can you leave? No, we meant now." Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait at least one more week for that shining moment.

Hide your young boys (and any of your own exposed sexual organs), because MADELEINE is on the loose. At my last count, she has made out with at least two of her competitors, and also slept with one guy per episode for about four weeks in a row. They will seriously have to bury this bitch in a Y-shaped coffin. Other than her chunky legs I wouldn't call her unworthy of winning, but I'm thinking the World Health Organization wouldn't let her win simply on the grounds of her potential to spread exotic strains of syphilis all over the globe.

And finally there's SIMONE. I actually don't have anything bad to say about her. True, her look isn't particularly interesting, but she's hot and she hasn't annoyed the shit out of me just yet, which makes me think she's the eventual winner. Then again that's what I said about one of the girls in the last cycle of American Top Model, and then that whiny annoying twat Nicole won, so what do I know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a life.


emla said...

Nicole, that bitch. She totally didn't deserve it.

Dorothy said...

very ummm entertaining post. I now know what you consider to be hot. Very Interesting!

Jonathan said...

"Y shaped coffin" - almost fell off my chair. I hate to ask, but I will anyway: why do all the headshots you posted look like the models got beaten? The all look much more pissed off or in pain than anything approaching sexy. Is that what sexy goes for down there? Do people start hitting on you after you stub your toe?