Bon Voyage. To Me.

After a truly hectic and stressful 6 months of work, I am off on my first real holiday in close to a year, even if it is a brief one.

Despite my excitement about the trip, my ability to procrastinate crosses over into all parts of my life. I didn't do my laundry until getting home from a pub trivia night around 10pm, and this was a conversation with my flatmate this morning:

Flatmate: Uh, shouldn't you start putting stuff in that suitcase.

Zander: Yeah.

Flatmate: Haven't you been awake for like 2 hours?

Zander: Yeah.

Flatmate: What the hell have you been doing?

Zander: Uh, well, I was emailing, and I just listened to the new Lindsay Lohan song online, and had a snack.

Flatmate: Wow...

So yeah, now I'm blogging. Even though I need to leave in less than 15 minutes and I'm still not sure how this laptop will fit into my bags.

Needless to say, I won't be updating here much, if at all, while I'm away. As always, you're welcome to go back in time and read about what an asshole I was in 2005.

You Are Not Tall Enough To Experience This Ride

It was a pretty typical weekend, with Saturday's boozing starting around noon and then moving to Fish's new apartment around the corner.

It was seeming pretty civilized until I noticed that both Fish and Juice (unfortunate combination of nicknames, can I just say) were slurring and starting to lack any sort of coherence, despite the fact that I'd had just as much or more to drink than they had.

When you're 6'4" (and a half, bitches), it's easy to forget that people who are almost a foot shorter than you might not handle large intakes of alcohol quite as well.

In any case, photo of the month:

Because passing out on your sofa when the sun is still shining is always a Kodak moment (even his dog looks disappointed in him).

Different Strokes

Some people actually spend their average weekday doing "work". So I hear, anyway.

I spend half my day trying to convince people that Chris Noth/Mr. Big has a secret past where he was the lead singer of Right Said Fred.

Come on, get past the hair issue...can't you see it??

Maybe He Just Hates Money

Continuing in his crusade to offend anyone in the world who has ever had even an ounce of respect for money (never forget the iPhone incident), Juice managed to turn an otherwise low-key evening into the reason he will be eating soup in his final days before next pay.

After having a few drinks out at Stranger's place in the 'burbs, Juice figured he hadn't spent much money so may as well shell out $50 on a cab ride home, which I suppose is reasonable. Except that when he got home, he realized his keys were still sitting back at Stranger's house. Oh yes. Guess who ended up taking another $50 cab ride BACK to the asshole of nowhere and spending the night there anyway.

If that isn't almost the equivalent of simply flushing $100 down the toilet for no real reason, I don't know what is.

What Not To Bring To Trivia

Went to trivia the other night. We didn't do so well. If you want to avoid the errors of my ways, I suggest the following:

• Don't go to trivia in Australia when you have no Australians on your team. Rookie mistake.

• Don't go to trivia with 4 people who will mock you for wanting to hear the questions (thereby drowning out any chance of hearing the question repeated).

• Don't go to trivia with a girl who will drink three glasses of wine and start playing some pictionary version where you draw your answers.

• Don't go to trivia with a girl who insists on being the scribe, yet can't spell. Like, at all.

• Don't go to trivia at a pub where you might run into your friend's drunk sister who happens to smell like she eats cigarettes for at least 2 meals a day, and has no sense of personal space.

Oh right, I should probably mention that you should probably not go to trivia when you're secretly a super competitive asshole who will post a bitter blog entry about it later in the week, so that your friends will read it and then not invite you to trivia again.

Schadenfreude, Interrupted

There's a new channel here in Sydney (LifestyleYOU) that seems to be made for me - 90% of the programming is trashy UK reality shows about everything from fat people, to parents have zero common sense when it comes to raising children, to brides who are willing to let their husbands plan the entire wedding and surprise them on the day. I'm still not clear on why these people participate in these shows, but I love them and every single one of their silly sounding accents.

The latest show that seemed to have a lot of promise was Spendaholics - showing us people who seem to have zero concept of personal finance management, and gladly drop a few hundred pounds on a pair of jeans that don't actually fit.

The primary appeal of such a show, of course, is to remind ourselves that despite our own failings, we are not quite as dumb as these people. And so, the first 20 minutes or so is fantastic.

And then...they bring in the psychologist. And he's like, a real psychologist. I personally tend to prefer the fake ones, like the "psychiatrists" they would have on hand at that makeover competition show The Swan, who would actually tell participants that their unwillingness to get a nose job showed that they weren't really committed to changing their life around. But no, this guy is serious. And within minutes we have to hear some pathetic story that ends up somehow linking the spendaholics purchase of a $2,000 projector to the one time their dad didn't take them to the zoo when they were six. And for some reason, it always ends with the spendaholic taking a walk on the beach with one of their parents to discuss whatever childhood trauma has been dug up.

So yeah, my advice is watch the show, but switch off after the first 15 minutes. It's not like any of us actually want to watch people getting helped, for god's sake.

That Hurts

The blogosphere, twittersphere, and various other spheres are all enamored with the "90 Types of Bitches" list that seems to have been written by one or more 3rd graders in the DC-area, so I just want to make sure EVERYONE is across it.

I qualified for the list by the time I got to category #2, but feel free to point out which other categories you guys think I fall into.


And of course, the original blog post and full list can be found here: http://andiamnotlying.com/2010/types-of-bitches/

Go for the amazing list. Stay for the hilarious comments.

Successful Friday Night

You know you had an awesome Friday night when you:

a) don't actually remember getting home

b) left your friend talking to a hot German

c) made new best friends with a group of Irish people based on the retelling of your classic racist jokes

d) can't bear the thought of drinking on Saturday until 6pm when you crack open a bottle of gin.


Hurrah.

You Guys Are Gonna Love This

As I may or may not have mentioned here, I started running a few kilometers every other morning or so starting a few months back. I figured it was the best way to make sure I wasn't fat in my birthday photos, since the swimming alone didn't seem to be cutting it.

Last week an email was sent to the entire division of my company asking if anyone wanted to join our company's team for the corporate biathlon coming up in March. Since the distances didn't look too horrifying, I responded to indicate that I had some interest but was very new to running in particular so wouldn't be offended if others were a better fit for the team. I figured, maybe there would be a B or even C team where performance didn't really matter.

About 10 minutes later I got an email confirming that I was representing the company in the biathlon with 3 others (who would all qualify as the most fit people I have personally ever met) and a corporate shirt to compete in was on its way.

Needless to say, I am already having visions of being the next big thing on YouTube. Also, my mother hasn't stopped laughing since I told her about this three days ago.

Clients Aren't All Bad

While my clients generally inspire me to contemplate suicide approximately 2.3 times each week, every now and then one of them reminds me that they're not ALL bad. Or at least, they can be bad in a good way.

Case in point - I went to a meeting with a new client and dialed into a conference call. When a certain woman started talking, the client in the room with me muted the phone and yelled "Someone needs to shoot that woman!" and unmuted the phone.

Seconds later another woman started talking and the client once again muted the phone and yelled even louder "And someone needs to shoot *that* woman in the ASSHOLE!"

Will you marry me?

Good Question

I was genuinely curious about why Americans call the main course an entree (turns out that it's a perfectly valid reason, we're not just completely retarded), but I can easily say that this was the best part of my search (click to enlarge):


What, only 39,800,000 results for "why do americans think they are the best"?? Ah well, I guess it's better than "why do the french smell".

I Love You Guys, But...

Today, two of my lady friends who had been visiting me for a couple of weeks headed back to New York. It was awesome having them here and showing them around town, but I do have a few comments about my lovely houseguests:

1) Did you realize that women apparently need four towels each day? I'm on my 5th load of laundry, and it is ALL TOWELS. That is insane.

2) Women really, really like to snack. Judging by the crumbs all over my apartment I can only imagine that their apartments back home are permanently carpeted in Nabisco products.

3) This is the first time I've seen any table tops in my apartment - for the last two weeks every inch of them has been covered in various beauty and hygiene products. I don't even understand how someone would have the time in the day to use all of them.

4) Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. There's a certain amount of toilet paper that tends to last me about two to three months. These girls used it in ONE WEEK. I have actually come up with various creative theories on what they could possibly have been using it for. Maybe there's a toilet paper sculpture under my bed that I haven't found yet. Or maybe it's what they were eating when they ran out of biscuits.

5) I was surprised to find out that when someone has a glass of water and wants another one, they are apparently supposed to leave their old glass sitting on a table and just go get a new one. Go figure.


Being the tactless asshole that I am, I've already ranted at them about all of these things, but thought I would give anyone out there a heads up in case you're considering having some female friends come and stay with you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think the clothes dryer just finished.

Why I Love Australia, Part 179

Juice just told me about his colleague, a 40-something year old man who called in sick on Monday and Tuesday. When he showed up to work on Wednesday, the reason he gave to his coworkers and even his boss was that he had been having nightmares. Yes, really.

And to think I used to make jokes about people 'calling in fat'. I finally live in a place where that might actually happen.

You've Changed

This week I'm reeling from the fact that NYC keeps daring to change in my absence. First was the news from J.Lee that she walked past Tribe the other day and it no longer exists. This should be upsetting for anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis, as a solid 50% of everything ridiculous that happened between 2002 and 2005 would have taken place in or near Tribe. Finidng out that my favorite bar in NYC is gone was a pretty crushing blow, I have to say. Where else will I go with friends on Sunday evenings to sit in a near empty bar with an awesome DJ and chat to the bartender in order to get free drinks all night? Recommendations are welcome.

The other is that Walgreen's has apparently bought Duane Reade, which is a pharmacy/chemist throughout NYC and no less than a New York institution. My only hope is that they at least don't change the name or the shockingly poor customer service that I've gotten so used to and strangely comfortable with over the last 30 years. I would actually miss walking up to the cashier with a ghetto hair sculpture and impractically long fake fingernails and saying "Excuse me, madame, I hate to interrupt this conversation about how your baby daddy is a whack ass nigga, but can I quickly purchase these q-tips?"

Welcome To Australia, Don't Forget Your Bucket

Miss Jessica and Boss arrived from New York on Saturday morning, and within 24 hours Miss Jessica was shocking hungover/sick and closely inspecting my toilet bowl.

We attended a birthday party that involved free booze. There was also free food, but clearly we didn't partake in much of that. Around midnight the girls were hit with jetlag and I was forced to continue partying without them until 3am.

Don't tell the girls, but I'm starting a competition with myself to see how many times I can get them to throw up from drinking too much. What can I say? I'm bored.

Omen

I got another one of those FAIL emails earlier this week, and I felt like this photo is really symbolic of my average Friday night:


Yeah I look like a loser with an extra chromosome, but the rest of you don't look much better, so stop judging me.

You Are The Definition Of 'Petty'

I am finally trudging through my last week of being in Perth for work, thank god. Maybe it's just because I can count the number of actual friends I have here on one hand, or maybe it's the total lack of culture or anything interesting, but being in this city makes my soul die a little every day.

To top it all off, I have to deal with absolute nonsense on a day to day basis at work. Ridiculous requests, total ignorance, and petty bullshit, to name a few types.

This week, however, gave me a truly horrible example. On Friday afternoon, I received an email regarding the first draft of a document that my team had produced two weeks ago, delivered and asked for feedback which never came. The person said that the content was great, but then spent the entire email complaining about the formatting. And when I say the formatting, I don't mean that we had used Comic Sans as the font. I mean that she actually complained about bulletpoints on different slides not being indented in the same way. And then attached screenshots of the different indentations.

But wait, there's more. Tuesday was a public holiday in Australia (called 'Australia Day' - creative, aren't they?) but I was unfortunately unable to join all of my friends at the pub in Sydney because myself and a colleague had an early morning client meeting scheduled for the Wednesday and had to fly back to Perth on the Tuesday evening. Except, when we woke up on Wednesday morning, the meeting had been canceled at the last minute. While this was annoying for me, my colleague had actually flown across the country purely for that meeting. Congratulations, assholes, for the amount of money you just wasted we could have housed a Haitian family for a year.

Only three more days...must...not...commit...murder...

A Matter Of Perspective

I was saying to my friend/colleague/current flatmate in Perth this morning how I'm not nearly as drunk and obnoxious as I was in my younger days.

She promptly reminded me that last night at dinner (and after a few drinks, of course) I told our colleague that she does "pretty good for an Asian girl", referring to the size of her breasts.

Still awesome.

Lessons Not Learned

Just under a year and a half ago, I went to a BBQ and had the misfortune of encountering a friend's sangria that apparently consisted of 1 part of either rum, tequila, gin, or vodka for each part red wine. Later that night, I ended up showing up to a friend's birthday party so hammered that I got the entire group kicked out of an area that had been booked for the occasion.

And so, you'd think I would have been more careful when I started drinking the same sangria on Saturday afternoon, instead of ending up having no idea how or when I got home, wondering why the Spice Girls were the last song played on my iPod.

You would be wrong.

Just Call Me Grandpa

In my younger days I would have blogged here about my awesome drunken weekend, and how crazy me and my friends are. And while my Saturday did involve a 10-hour bender ending with one of my friends incoherently babbling about the conversations he has with the birds in his backyard, I spent most of the weekend in my apartment (hiding from the hideous heat) being annoyed by other people having fun.

To give you a bit of context, it appears that my new corporate apartment in Perth is where they will be filming MTV's Spring Break, perhaps as an alternative to Mexico now that it's been overrun by drug lords and shoot outs. Starting at midday on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, hordes of European students would swarm the pool areas of my building, start blasting tacky dance music, and dance around in their bikinis and board shorts for the ENTIRE DAY.

And just in case you think I'm exaggerating, here's a photo from what was actually one of the quieter moments of the weekend - please note the couple making out in the pool, and the guy climbing over a wall for no apparent reason:



I don't know exactly when I started to be annoyed by drunk and half-naked young people with hot accents, but rest assured that I have actually called corporate housing to file a complaint. I'll be applying for some sort of senior citizen discount any day now.