Monday, February 04, 2008

Filter Malfunction

Maybe it was the two nights in a row of heavy drinking that preceded Saturday, but I went into this weekend having completely forgotten how to filter the things that come out of my mouth. Here are a few from the past 48 hours...

Zander: I've always wanted to get shot.
Duff: What? Like...with a gun?
Zander: Yeah. Not, like, to death. And not anywhere important. My right shoulder is my top choice. Not close to too many important organs.
Fry: Why do you want to get shot?
Zander: It would be kinda cool. Like a badass story. And the scar would be so hot.
Fry: What is wrong with you? I'm pretty sure it would hurt. Like, a lot.
Zander: Yeah, of course. But it would be cool.
Duff: You're such an idiot.
Zander: You're just jealous cause I thought of it first.

That conversation actually happened on a crowded train. Apparently a woman a couple of seats away was trying desperately not to laugh out loud, while the girl reading a book next to me eventually just put it down and stared at me like the freak that I am. (There was also a comment later on in the afternoon about how I'd love for a lesbian couple to ask for my sperm to get pregnant, but since it was with three good friends and no one else in the vicinity, I don't count it as being that bad.)

The next day I was at a BBQ with a group of friends plus a few people I hadn't met before when we had this conversation:

Zander: God, I just can't stand being around ugly people.
Fosse: You are awful. What if you had an accident and ended up deformed?
Zander: I'd kill myself.
Mickey: That's what my friend Lois says.
Zander: Lois? But she's not even that cute.

And to go for the triple play, the following was from this morning when I walked into the office:

Big Boss: Hey, Zander, is that another shirt from Europe?
Zander: Why? Does it look that euro trashy?
Big Boss: No, I didn't say that. I was actually going to follow that up with a compliment, but--
Zander: That's okay, I know I look good.

So basically I should really avoid being in contact with anyone until I'm over my little mood, however I have plans to do dinner and drinks at a friend's place tonight and I think I might just need a few more gems to finish getting this out of my system.

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