Here's Your Half-Assed Update

So it's Tuesday night here in New York and I realized that I've completely ignored my blogging responsibilities. Sadly, I don't think I could do the last few days of mayhem justice by blogging them, and I'm taking millions of pictures so I think a full recap will have to wait until I have my album online.

Having said that, here's my best shot at summarizing some of the nonsense that New York has been forced to endure since my arrival:

FRIDAY

My flight landed at 5.30pm and by 7.30 I was in a bar and getting started on the evening.

Bars visited: Ace Bar, Eastern Bloc, Mr. Black's

Highlights: Plenty of them, but my favourite was easily Phildo tripping at Mr. Black's and falling into the VIP area via the velvet rope. By the time he had ended up sprawled on the floor wrapped in the velvet rope, I had already turned away in shame, pretending not to know him. Absolutely shocking.

Bedtime: 3am (after a 24 hour flight, not quite sure what I was thinking)


SATURDAY

The night of Joe's wedding reception.

Bars visited: W Hotel Bar, Manhattan Penthouse (the reception), Madame X, Urge

Highlights: The entire wedding was a ridiculous mess, although on my part I have to say that I was more than a little chagrined when I busted out with my Indian accent, only to remember that I was at an Indian wedding reception. Oops.

Bedtime: 5.30am (??)


SUNDAY

Brunch at 2pm followed by having "a glass of wine" with Jaya, turning into drinking for 6 hours or so before the girls remembering they had to go to work in the morning.

Bars visited: Libation, Bar Veloce, Tribe

Highlights: Discussions of the feasibility of increasing drunkeness by pouring alcohol directly into your ass, me telling a girl I thought she was dressed up as a Thundercat (she wasn't), befriending the bartender at Tribe and getting most of our drinks free, Big Knockers buying a tub of ice cream and telling the bartender to "do something with this" (the kind of thing you can get away with when your nickname is "Big Knockers")

Bedtime: 2am


MONDAY

A supposedly quiet day that went all wrong when I decided it would be a good idea to grab drinks around 4pm with a friend who had the day off.

Bars visited: Sin Sin, Eastern Bloc

Highlights: Once again charming the bartender and getting a few free drinks, a certain friend giving a random girl a lapdance on her birthday, and then dropping his pants while dancing on the stripper pole

Bedtime: 2am


So yeah...now it's Tuesday, I can only assume the jet lag and the hangovers are cancelling each other out, and I want to have a quiet night but have just had a glass of wine at a friend's place and am late to meet another friend at a bar down the street. Wish me luck.

Oh, and some other stats for you...I've had about 7 slices of NY pizza and including my new phone and a wedding gift, I've spent a solid $1300 US in less than 5 days. Rock on, Zander. Will Sydney even want my impoverished black ass back next week?

Will see if I get a chance to update again before getting back to Sydney, but don't hold your breath. I have 3 happy hours and a wedding planned in the remaining 5 nights here. It simply can't end well.

Outta Here

Hey all, I'm leaving work now, going drinking, and heading to the airport around 8am. Probably should have scheduled some time in there for packing, but you know me...not gonna sweat the small stuff.

See the NYers soon, and see the Aussies in a week and a half! Will try to blog while away, if I can sober up for 3 seconds to do so.

But Do You REALLY Want 28 Champagne Flutes??

I've probably attended three weddings in my entire life. And the first one was for people I didn't even know, I was just a friend's date. So I've generally avoided all of the drama that people are constantly complaining about when they are even invited to a wedding.

2007 might be different though. I am attending four weddings (or wedding celebrations) in the first four months of the year, which I find a little shocking. Apart from the fact that there's a good chance I will be photographed in the same suit for all four weddings (oh, the shame), I am starting to see what people mean about these things being a bit expensive. I've even spent $2000 on airfare just to get to NY for two of these events.

And of course, there are the wedding gifts. I just went to the registry for a wedding I'm going to in NY and was astounded at how much stuff a wedding couple could possibly think they need. If everything in that registry was actually purchased, I imagine it would meet the needs of a 7 member family and their 5 servants. Surely it would have been possible to narrow that list down? I ended up cheaping out and getting a set of Kate Spade martini glasses, partially because I think it's most appropriate that I get something from the "Barware" selections, and also because I didn't realize Kate Spade even manufactured barware and I'm fascinated to hear how long they last.

The thing that really caught my eye on the page though was the "Sort By Price" links. Call me paranoid, but I am convinced that once it's all over, the bride and groom are emailed a list of all the cheapskates who sorted by price. And if that isn't already something the site can do, then I'd like to drop that in the Suggestion Box, cause you know you'd want to find out too.

Beach Bum

After last weekend's over-partying and possibly the most intense week at work I've ever had in my life, I finally took the chance to wind down this weekend and take it easy.

Spent plenty of time at the beach both days in an effort to warm up and tan as much as possible before I head to New York on Friday. Now keep in mind that just a few weeks ago New Yorkers were experiencing the warmest winter weather in history. And of course on the night I land there the temperature will be dipping to a soul-destroying 21 degrees Fahrenheit (that's negative 6 in Celsius for the Aussies, not that they've ever heard of such a thing here) with winds to boot. I might actually die on contact with air that cold, but I'm still pretty excited.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much relaxed drinks that didn't leave me too messy (who knew that was possible?), and a really nice dinner at my new favourite tapas place in Sydney.

And at this point I'm afraid I might be putting you all to sleep, so I'll stop right there and try and think of something a little more interesting for you later on in the week.

Busy Bee

Sorry I'm so quiet this week. I have about a million dollars worth of business proposals due tomorrow so I really don't need to add "blogging every day" as one of the reasons I didn't get them done. This is besides the fact that "Debating the benefits of male circumcision with friends via email" is already on that list.

But seriously, I'm swamped. I didn't even drink on Tuesday, that's how bad it is. Everyone is a bit freaked out seeing me work so hard. Especially me.

Anyway, I only really got on here to talk about something that has me waaayyyy too excited this week. The Real World is coming to Sydney in a few weeks! Ellen and I have already discussed ways in which i can appear on the show:

1. Date someone in the house in one of those long drawn out relationships that you just get completely sick of hearing about a few weeks into the show.
2. Have a one-night stand with someone in the house. Maybe refuse to sign a release form and have be a guy with a blurry face for that episode.
3. Become friends with people in the house and have MTV edit out anything interesting I might say in fear of me stealing the spotlight from their vapid "stars"
4. Be one of the drunken assholes in the back of a random shot at a bar who doesn't even remember anything until it airs on international television.

I think we all know which is the most likely scenario, but allow me my visions of grandeur.

You Think I Remember?

I wish I could recap my whole weekend here, but it was one of those drunken trashy affairs that makes me think my next weekend will have to be a lot more mellow. I actually don't know what time I staggered into my apartment on Saturday night but my flatmate has advised me it was around 5am. And judging by the fact that I still don't feel fully recovered, I'm guessing she's right.

Otherwise, I would like to quickly tell you about two people I had the great fortune of encountering before everything got fuzzy on Friday night:

Guy #1 was an old man with a beard reminiscent of ZZTop. He climbed onto the bus, and then stood next to the bus driver while chugging some sort of whiskey and yelling at the bus driver and then the rest of the bus before getting off about 3 minutes later. Charming.

Guy #2 was at the bus stop where I got disembarked, was probably around 60 years old and was sitting on the bench with an actual wine glass and a bottle of Merlot, greeting anyone who walked within a 5 foot radius of him. It was actually kind of cool. I may want to be him when I grow up.

Rule Of Thumb

So yeah, went to dinner and then drinks last night, haven't had a night in all week, blah blah.

This is really just a public service announcement, mostly directed at one guy seen on the street last night:

If you have just bought a product called "GASBUSTERS", the name of which is printed in large letters across the side of the box, leave the box in the bag until you get home.

It's like some people have no shame. Meanwhile, this guy is definitely going to be known as 'Farty' whenever we see him again anywhere. Learn from his mistake, people.

Voila

Here are the pics from the France trip, all online and filled with pointless commentary so you can follow along. This one to the left is a prime example of how stupid I look throughout the album. Enjoy.

Hey, At Least I Showed Up

Rocked up to work around 11am today. Wasn't a problem, because it's not like I live and work in a real country, so no one actually cared. And to my great credit, I still got on the 8.30am conference call from home, even though it's the most painful hour of my life each week, and I was hungover and would gladly have tossed a baby in the ocean if it meant I could have slept another half hour. So yeah, I deserve a cookie.

Of course the reason I am so sleep-deprived has nothing to do with all the beer I drank, as I was home and in bed around 11ish. I don't even think it's the jet lag. I'm pretty sure it's because there are people out there who seem to think it's appropriate to call you at 12.30am on a Tuesday night. Or other people who text you at 2.30am. Dude, I don't care what country you're in, let's do the math and wait a few hours before you send that shit. (And I don't want to hear any nonsense about how I should turn my phone off, I use it for an alarm so that's not an option. Everyone else should just try not to be retarded.)

Anyway I feel like crap today, but I will try oh-so-hard to get to work on those photos, as I haven't touched them yet and a few people are starting to get bitchy about it.

Slow Death

I've just had an amazing two weeks in France, full of relaxing and a few days of partying. And as you can imagine, I am less than excited to be back in the office. So I thought I'd take a quick moment to vent some of my frustrations from my journey between Paris and Sydney:

1) The guy two seats away from me between London and Sydney -- I realise it's somewhat redundant (at least on this blog) to say that I am a big fan of drinking, however I question the benefits of drinking half a liter of scotch while having to remain seated for some 24 hours. If nothing else, please at least don't look confused when I refuse to respond to whatever inane rambling you directed my way in Singapore. I just felt really sorry for the girl who had to sit right next to you. You are disgusting.

2) Woman at the luggage carousel in Sydney -- Holy crap. I know that it's unfortunate that for whatever reason all luggage only comes in three colours, and that this makes for a lot of uncertainty and dashed hopes when collecting your luggage at the end of a flight. However, I don't think it's really necessary for you to pull off EVERY SINGLE BLACK SUITCASE that comes around, knocking innocent bystanders aside, and then having to put the suitcase back on. Probably the most aggravating was when your suitcase finally did arrive, and it was GRAY, not black. And wasn't even the same shape as the rest of the ones you pulled off. You are an idiot. I hate you.

3) Guy in front of me for the ATM in Sydney -- Let's see. I've been traveling for some 30 hours, I'm finally out of customs and baggage claim, and all that stands between me and my apartment is some cash for the taxi. Now I KNOW you were standing in front of me in this line for at least five minutes. Yet somehow you wait until you're standing in front of the ATM to put aside your suitcase, fish through your man-purse, pull out your wallet, and then go into your wallet looking for the tiny little flip folder thing where you keep your ATM card. Oh wait, not that one...the blue one. All so you can take out a measly $20. You will never understand the depths of my rage during those few minutes, as indicated by the sheepish smile you shot me when you were finally finished. DIE.


Not sure it's all out of my system yet, you may want to check back for more ranting later in the week.

Incommunicado

Just a note that I'm off to Paris this evening and flying out to Sydney tomorrow AM. Alas, I'm pretty strict about not drinking much on long haul flights, so don't bother looking for news articles about a beligerent American negro being removed from the plane in Singapore because they wouldn't give him any more beer.

Just Call Me "His Holiness"

Completely random, but I felt the need to share. I rarely remember my dreams, when I do, they tend to be pretty good.

Last night I dreamt that I was chosen as the next Dalai Lama. And I was really annoyed about it because I figured that with all my Dalai Lama duties, I wouldn't have time to keep my real job, which paid a lot better. It would also have interfered with a few upcoming vacations. And to top it all off, they were making me wear this really big heavy set of chains or something around my neck. It was like a bunch of disco ball necklaces but they were made of solid gold. That'll teach me to smoke crack right before I go to bed.

Anyway, then I woke up and realised that I didn't have to do anything all day, and everything was right in the world. Thanks for reading.

Back In The Sticks

Sorry for the lack of an update until now, but partying in Paris for a few days can take a lot out of you. Needless to say, the New Years celebrations were a good time, and with less than 3 full days in Paris we managed to get around and have at least a glimpse at everything since it was Domini's first time there.

We were actually far more drunk on the night of the 30th thanks to Domini's suggestion that we start on tequila shots, and Benjie and Vanni (friends of Drew) thinking that was a fantastic idea and ordering a few more rounds. Or maybe that was me. Oops. Regardless, it was Domini who looked like hell the next morning and Benjie who apparently didn't even get out of bed until 6pm the next evening, so I'll just consider myself lucky.

New Years itself meant avoiding getting burned to death by the numerous morons lighting their own fireworks in retarded places (Why would anyone with the slightest bit of common sense set them off under a massive tree? I think maybe two of those things actually made it through the branches without ricocheting back towards the crowd underneath) and then heading into the city for a random house party and drinks at a cafe until we realised it was almost 4am and we should probably considering making our way home. The only failure of the night was that we had been aiming to meet up with Leigh, friend of Vix, but didn't make it to the Latin Quarter in time. Ah well, I'm considering making this an annual trip now, so there could be a next time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Domini was back here at my mom's for a little bit, and we had an amazing trip out to Mont St. Michel yesterday (which pretty much fulfills my culture quota for the entire year), but now Domini is on her way back to New York and I've already taken a 3 hour nap even though it's not even 2pm. Gotta love this lifestyle.

I will also warn everyone now that I have about 218 photos on my camera alone. I will definitely try and prune them down before sending them out next week, but you won't want to miss too much. It's amazing, the amount of sacrilege you can accomplish in one day at a holy place.