Tuesday, July 19, 2005

"Um, maybe we could just be lunch buddies after all..."

Just imagine you're sitting with your friends, having a nice get together for your friend Alyson's 30th birthday. Everyone's having a lovely time, and then you happen to look over your shoulder and this is what you see peering through the bead curtains, invading your special moment. And this, dear friends, is why everyone hates me. But I digress.

Saturday night was a coworker's birthday bash at PS 450, so I grabbed a few people and headed over. In case any of you happen to be invited to a coworkers event any time soon, here are some tips (with plenty of visual aides) to make sure it never, ever happens again:

  • Tell your coworker you are bringing "a couple of people along". Then invite 9 friends. Then tell those people they can invite whoever they want. Show up with no less than 17 people in tow. (That's right, SEVENTEEN. Christ, I wish I was exaggerating.)
  • Make sure at least one of those people is a complete retard. Family members don't count.
  • Definite plus if your brother shows up wearing a truly ridiculous shirt.
  • Find out which space is reserved for your coworkers party, and take it over even though there is still another party going on. Maybe harass them a little to encourage them to end their night early.
  • If they have party favors, feel free to pick them up and pose for pictures that may offend both that party's attendees and a few billion Asians.
  • Defiling floral arrangements is strongly suggested.
  • Take pictures of random busboys, because you know they can't do anything about it, and you're that kind of asshole.
  • Bring new meaning to the phrase "dance like nobody's watching". As in, you might want to add "even God" to the end of that sentence. Throw your hair around. Kudos if you can leave your ass hanging out for extended periods of time. Or maybe stand on a couch and grind with the wall until the bouncer tells you to sit the fuck down.
  • Now this is important - it's not enough that you've embarrassed your coworker and his friends, and made him regret giving you the invitation. You need to ruin other parties as well. So if there's a group of people nearby having "a nice time", feel free to stick various body parts through the curtains that divide you and make them rethink their choice of party location.
  • Once you're done terrorizing everyone around you and posing like an asshole for the camera, turn on each other.
  • Get kicked out of the bar.

I hope everyone learned something from that. What I learned is why none of my coworkers want to talk to me outside of the office. And why I can't blame them.

The End.

5 comments:

emla said...

LOL. I thought that busboy was JEFF.

PS: Getting kicked out is cool. Especially if it's because you're little brother pushed you.

Joe said...

yuss...i can't wait to hang out with Corky when i finally get inducted into the Retard Hall of Fame...i'll have this and many other pictures you've taken to thank for that coveted honor....and i too for a second thgt that busboy was jeff for a second...qweird

Cristin said...

(a) Jess looks hot (B) I can't believe I missed this to hang out with sorostitutes. That'll learn me. FAREWELL KARAOKE 2005, WATCH OUT!

Truecraig said...

So... what exactly is wrong with your brother's shirt? That shit's MAD tight, son. MAD. TIGHT.

The "Lion of the Islands" and such. Great tribute.

Vicki said...

Glad to know that while I'm being an asshole over here, you're doing the exact same back home. Keep up the good work, and just you, but your entire team of assholes. I just love all of you.