Thursday, July 21, 2005

Fatty In Training

As anyone familiar with the Zan-Man knows, despite my tall, slender frame, I am destined to be one hell of a lard ass one day. I am a future guest on a daytime talk show special titled "Help Me! My Skin Doesn't Fit Anymore!", but I am fortunate enough during my twenties to be trapped inside the body of a 6'4" asshole with the body shape of a Somalian suffering from anorexia.

I have revolting eating habits. Why today alone, I've consumed 3 chocolate donuts, a banana, cereal, and a yogurt, before I even left my apartment. This was followed by a slice of pizza with two toppings, a large helping of chicken and rice from a food truck on Wall Street, and there's always the possibility that I will have to satisfy my craving for a ridiculously over-sized chocolate milkshake before I pass out in a food coma at the end of the day. Sometimes, I eat so much, so fast, that I actually have trouble breathing and have to take a 30 second break to clear my air passages.

I am regularly referred to as "Chubs" and "Fatty Fatty Fat Fat" by enemies and friends alike, and I don't mind, because it's really just training for the day when I am as wide as I am tall, and have to be rolled from room to room in a hospice somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, after they've removed an entire wall from my Brooklyn apartment building just so the crane can hoist me out onto a waiting flatbed truck.

At this point, I'm not even sure what my original goal was with this post, but I do want to take this opportunity to introduce you all to the greatest thing my eyes have ever beheld:

The Hot-Dog-Rollup.

If anyone here gets a chance to eat one of these before I do, I want details, damnit.


amy said...

that looks really fattening!! I'll have to try it with a turkey dog and lean hamburger meat (cause that makes it so much better!)

Cristin said...

Z, can I call you meatcakes from now on?

Zander said...

Either that or "beef cheeks" is fine by me.

Drew said...

Haha, I'm gonna call you Happy from now on...just like that other Fatty Fat Fat who had to be helicoptered out of her house by Richard Simmons.