Wednesday, March 09, 2005

This Is How We Do It

Had another ridiculous night out on Saturday and realized that despite all the hilarity and fun, we have a pretty firm pattern of behavior.

So I was inspired to throw together a How To guide, in case someone out there was looking to recreate a StillDrunk evening for themselves, sans Zander. Pictures from Saturday night are included as visual aides.

Step 1: Begin drinking at home. Have at least 4 ridiculously strong drinks over the course of one hour.

Step 2: Make sure your friends drink a similar amount, even if they weigh half as much as you and haven't eaten in 2 days. (If you aren't meeting up with people until later, skip to step 6)

Step 3: Come up with corny jokes with/about your friends that you will repeat constantly throughout the night as if they were comedy gold. Keep up the repetition, even if you're sick of your own joke by 10pm.

Step 4: If you are walking, being driven, or taking public transportation to the first bar/club of the evening, prepare a "to go" drink. Hope any police officers along the way don't realize that Poland Spring isn't pink. If you are driving the car yourself, your friends are just using you and don't really care about you. And/Or you live in the suburbs. Ouch.

Step 5: Whatever your mode of transportation, act as belligerent as possible. Drivers should cut off other cars and sing along to bad music as loud as possible. If walking, tip over a few trash cans or strollers (unoccupied or otherwise). Or in our case, terrorize yuppies on the F train. Please note that if you transfer to the A train, you should still be obnoxious, but also be aware there's a good chance you will be stabbed.

Step 6: Walk into the drinking establishment like you fucking own the place. Knock over a stranger's drink. Shit, knock over a stranger. You are in da hizzy.

Step 7: Order two drinks at a time, and feel free to accuse the bartender of making them incorrectly/weak. Or if you're feeling friendly, dry hump a Mexican bus boy.

Step 8: Pretend like you're still in the privacy of your own home. And that you don't have neighbors. Yell and do inappropriate things. Maybe even mime a sex act. Or eight.

Step 9: Maybe just one more offensive gesture.

Step 10: At this point you will realize you are drunk. Your choices are a) to get moving while you are still coherent so you can order some food on the way home, or b) to embrace your drunken state and collapse into a taxi, hopefully telling him where you live before losing consciousness.

Step 11: If you still possess the ability, drunken shenanigans in your neighborhood are acceptable, and encouraged.

Step 12: I actually don't have any more, but I thought having 12 Steps would be a nice touch of irony.

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