I suppose I should be blogging about being drunk, but other than getting smashed at a client dinner on Wednesday, or delving into the topic of wearing fake plastic vaginas on our heads with my senior leadership team from work last night, I've been really well behaved this week.
No, what I want to talk about is the traumatic experience I went through just moments ago. You see, I've had major insomnia over the last few weeks. This means that no matter how late I go to sleep or how much I drink, I wake up at 4am in the morning. It's awful. But more on that later.
So, I woke up this fine Saturday morning at 4am, and around 6ish I decided I should make use of this time and go for a swim, as I usually only do during the week. I headed down to the pool, swam a bunch of laps, and then decided that since I had all this time I may as well go to the sauna and relax a little. Might even help with my insomnia, right?
After about ten minutes, some fat 75-year old man walks in, wearing blue speedos with some sort of leopard print down the front. Uh, okay. Whatever. People make poor fashion choices, even when it comes to swimwear. I can relate to that. However, that excuse was no longer valid when he donned a little straw hat and some odd-looking gloves, whipped out some massive eucalyptus leaves, and started beating them all over his body. Not exactly the relaxing atmosphere I'd bargained for. But I figured, he'll be done any moment now. No need to look too rude and rush out.
And oh how I regretted that otherwise tactful decision when I looked over again and he was NAKED (except for the hat and gloves, naturally) and still beating himself with leaves. I'm sorry, but would it really have KILLED YOU to NOT brush eucalyptus leaves on your genitals until after I had left the room? Seriously? Is there even a description of how unnecessary that was?
At this point I knew I had to get the hell out, and so I got up to walk out and he looks at me and says in some thick Russian accent (I assume Russian because what other people could be so tacky and oblivious to others), "HOT?"
Um. No. Not hot. At all. Actually, I think my libido may be in hiding for at least a couple of weeks after this one, buddy. I might even suggest that advocates of abstinence take a video of this whole scene and show it to blossoming teenage girls. I don't even think I can eat breakfast for a few hours now. NOT HOT. You fucking weirdo.