Wow, I Suck

Can't believe I went this long without a blog post. Very sorry. And it's not that I haven't been out and about and drinking like a fool -- I just haven't had time. But since I have a few minutes before my next meeting, let's recap a few things.

FRIDAY

A relatively early night (meaning I was home and in bed by 11pm) but just a tip for the kids out there -- if you manage to knock someone's beer bottle straight out of their hand unesxpectedly, because you were showing off your "ninja fighting", and think that's an acceptable excuse for what you've done, it's time to go home.


SATURDAY

I had to go to work for a few hours in the morning. Not really because I was oh so busy, but more because I spent half of Friday dicking around with friends and coworkers instead of finishing a proposal.

The day was saved, however, when I headed to a friend's farewell cruise on the harbour. It started so civilized and pretty, and ended up rather messy and ugly. It's never a good sign when a boat full of people are witness to your Rick Astley routine when half of them don't know your name.

We had the boat drop us off at the Opera House, headed over to the bar, and I actually managed to last until around 10 something before I hit that point where I realized I could go home or things could go really really wrong. Thank god I can think practically at least some of the time.


SUNDAY

Brunch, shopping, a few drinks, and a quiet night. If only I could follow that formula more reliably.


MONDAY

So this week basically SUCKS, as more than a couple of projects have gone haywire and I have been struggling to keep up. Yesterday was awful, but was salvaged when I got two free tickets to the flamenco performance at the Opera House, preceded by some really amazing free food and drinks. Now if only all this pesky work would go away, I'd really love this job again.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Yeah I've been a bit quiet this week, both on the blog and in real life. It was a relatively alcohol-free week, with Thursday night being the only one where I ended up in a bar.

Even Friday night was rather quiet, and after a few drinks with colleagues I grabbed dinner and went home. (I should probably add some kind of a disclaimer here that notes that I had a long lunch with several glasses of wine, and started drinking again in the office at 4pm...but who really needs those details.)

Now it's Saturday morning and I'm actually in the office again, but it's okay because I will be boozing it up on a boat cruising around Sydney harbour with a few friends by 1.30pm. And that, my friends, makes everything else in life okay.

All Over The Place

Not in any mood to create a coherent blog post at the moment, so just figured I would mention a few things:

1) I somehow forgot to blog about how a few weeks ago I was at dinner with a few people and towards the end, this conversation took place:

Female friend: So yeah...I found out I'm pregnant the other day.

Zander: Um...but...you just helped us finish two bottles of wine.

Female friend: Oh, well I'm not keeping it.


I wasn't sure if that was funny or disturbing, but I felt it needed sharing here.


2) Saw this story today about how Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda. As if those people haven't suffered enough.


3) Also in the news, I'm just so glad that events have conspired to combine two of my favorite things in the world -- elephants and booze. Rock on.

Best Racist Party Ever

Ended up going to a "White Party" on the beach, organized by some friends. I have to admit I was rather skeptical about the whole idea, but never understimate how good most people look in all white clothing. Also never underestimate how sloppy most people will get after drinking in the sun for hours on end.

Here are a few shots from the event:

He's A Maaaaaniac

Reason #437 not to drink so much -- you may end up drunkenly agreeing to attend a funk dance class with two of your female colleagues.

We ended up in this class at 7.30pm last night, when all I really wanted to do was go to sleep early. But I had promised, and someone was picking me up, so I went along. And had the best time EVER.

Don't get me wrong, I was a complete tragedy, flailing around and screwing up almost every single move. However, fun was had by all, and I was mostly in hysterics for the entire hour.

I don't think I will be hired as a backup dancer anytime soon though. Except maybe by Britney. She needs people to make her look good right now.

He's So Lucky...He's A Star

Most people who know me generally regard me as a lucky person. While I have a couple of areas where I can't seem to get a break (notably, gambling and dating), things generally seem to "work out" for the most part. Examples include being laid off from a job and hours later getting a significantly better job offer from another company, or perhaps recklessly moving to the other side of the world and getting a job I could never have gotten otherwise. I personally think it has more to do with the way I look at life, but every now and then something happens that makes me think people are right.

It could be something small, like how last week my swimming goggles broke in the pool, and moments later I found an abandoned pair sitting on a bench near my clothes. (No, I did not steal them, I swear they must have been there for at least 12 hours.)

Or it could be something better. I've spent the last few weeks trying to plan my week in India around New Years. Between that and a week in France around Christmas with my mother, it looks like this trip will cost me around $7,500. Or maybe a little less.

You see, I called up an airline to book the last leg of my trip, from New Delhi to Sydney. To make a long story short, there were technical difficulties, and the airline and my credit card company had to sort a few things out. But eventually, the ticket was processed and delivered.

So imagine my surprise last week when I received my credit card bill, and the flight was charged to it...and then credited back. I quickly checked to make sure my ticket was still valid, which it is. And as a result, I am trying to hold onto the hope that I have just been given a $1,500 airline ticket for free.

I'll stop bragging now, but I had to share my potential joy. And I promise I will post an update here if I find myself stranded in New Delhi in January without a return ticket.

Another Weekend, Another Bender

I really did mean to blog on Friday, however my afternoon ended up something like this:

12.30pm - Headed to a farewell lunch for a coworker and was extremely proud of myself for declining to drink, since I had one more client meeting to go to.

2pm - Attended client meeting with one of my team members in tow. Felt very good about how productive it was.

3.05pm - Got into a taxi and told the driver to take us back to the office.

3.06pm - Told the driver we had changed our minds and would prefer to head to the pub, where some of our colleagues have been since lunchtime.

8.30pm - End up wasted at a karaoke bar with colleagues. Sing a Backstreet Boys song as a duet, and sing "Baby One More Time" with one of the designers acting as backup dancer.

1am - Stumble into bed.


Saturday was one of those days when you wake up and can't even think about drinking, but of course end up on your way to a pub by 3pm anyway. That night involved a Spice Girls dance routine performed by a construction worker, a fashionsta, and two Energizer bunnies, so yeah, it was just a little bit awesome.

And Sunday involved Chinese food and a viewing of The Nanny Diaries before fighting off invitations to drink even more. I went home and even stopped off at the supermarket with the intention of cooking myself dinner, however I later found myself with only enough energy to dial Pizza Hut and pass out while drooling on myself before 8pm.

Needless to say, I am never drinking again until tomorrow.

Like Yeah, Totally Dude

I've just finished a 2 day training course here in the office - something to do with consulting techniques. I'd be a little more sure if I hadn't ended up sitting across a table from the poster boy for Attention Deficit Disorder who, apart from looking like a surfer who may have washed up in the harbour outside earlier in the week, has to be the most distracting individual I have ever encountered. He would either be tapping the table, staring out the window, or saying things that made me wonder if he was drunk or high at that very moment. (How he got a job with my company is a true mystery.)

My personal favorite random surfer dude comments:

"What does your hair look like if you grow it out?"

"You know that band that Native Americans wear on their heads, with the feather in it? Where do you think I can get one?"

"I'm having a party this weekend. Wanna come?"

"What kind of music do you listen to? Do you know that song by the fat black guy?"

"I think there's cupcakes over there."


His chosen moments to interject with these completely unrelated and irrelevant comments and questions always coincided with our group activities where we were supposed to be solving a business problem, which generally left us looking like complete morons when it was time to present back to everyone else.

At one point I actually asked him if he could come and sit with my team for just one day, since I'm often accused of being the most distracting person they have to deal with, and I think a little perspective would improve my standing in that department.

And now I have one hour to catch up on two days of work, and I am so not prepared for any of my client meetings tomorrow. Thanks, dude.

Polishing My Halo

This was one of those glorious weekends where I miraculously managed to behave myself while everyone around me seemed to be making complete asses of themselves. (This incidentally also makes me kind of want to get smashed and join the club, but that will clearly have to wait at least a couple of days).

Almost all of the mess occurred on Friday night. It started with a couple of fantastic quotes from our creative director, who had just claimed that she's fine when she drinks champagne all night, which drew a few incredulous looks from myself and a couple of colleagues in hearing distance who can all remember at least one or two instances that would serve as evidence to the contrary.

I had just said I wished it was easier to embarrass people in the office, and she responded with "Well, not to sound un-PC, but there are so many dark people in the office it makes it hard to tell!" This was followed by her saying to someone else "I know you're not supposed to say this, but I just don't like Aboriginal art." Which isn't that bad in itself, but it was all about the drunken delivery. (I also love when people start comments with "Not to sound un-PC...", cause you know it's always gonna be comedy gold.)

She finally headed to leave and ended up getting lost trying to find the exit and walking through a bush in order to finally make it out of the bar. Fantastic.

But that was nothing in comparison to the stories I heard this morning (since I was a good boy and headed home around 10). First, there is Bug, who apparently just started throwing up at the table my coworkers were all sitting at. She then outdid herself when one of the directors came to give her some napkins and she vomited all over his hand.

Think that's the worst that it can get? So did I. Until Abs arrived in the office and told us how according to someone else (since he doesn't remember himself), he was seen leaving the bar with some girl he had just met around 1am. He then woke up at 5am in a random backyard in the Sydney suburbs. But it gets better. He went back to sleep, and woke up 2 hours later and saw the laundry nearby and started washing his shirt since it was covered in stains. When the owner of the house found him and asked him why he was there, Abs simply responded with "I'll just finish washing my shirt, and then I'll leave." And then walked home, which took about an hour.

Sorry for all the italics in those last few sentences, but it was really the most subtle way I could come up with to convey how ridiculous this all sounds, despite it being true. I make jokes about waking up in random gutters or back yards, only because I didn't think it actually happened to anyone (with the possible exception of Margot Kidder), so I think this story might win the Asshole Award for 2007.

Then again, I still have almost three months to lodge another entry in that competition...

Attack Of The Killer Insects

Wow, I am getting really bad at this whole blogging thing. Such are the side effects of taking my job even a little seriously.

There wasn't much to tell from the weekend. Due to my ridiculous Wednesday night and then mandatory binge drinking on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I ended up having a very quiet long weekend. Thought I'd probably say one highlight from Saturday, between all the filthy jokes and the karaoke, was probably Fosse revealing that she had two vibrators and some strange sex costume-looking sort of thing in her bag, but refusing to tell us where she was going. How mysterious. And somewhat disturbing.

Otherwise, this week has been somewhat terrifying for me. I thought I had noticed a few large moths here and there, but decided it was just a random occurence. Hence my horror on Wednesday morning when I awoke to the massive shadows of mutant moths fluttering against my window blinds. I was barely able to eat breakfast that morning as a result.

And yesterday morning, I went to a client meeting at their offices on the 23rd floor of their building, and walked in to see that their usually beautiful view of the city was obscured by about 20 of these disgusting creatures, that had somehow gotten in through the air vents. I had to sit at the other end of the table.

This morning was the last straw though -- I didn't see any moths, and went to slide open the door to my balcony, only to have about 5 of them fall into the apartment and start fluttering around. This lead to me shrieking for about 10 minues while trying to hit them with last weeks Time magazine and then clean up the dead bodies.

I've been told by several people that this has to do with the recent weather and something about migration patterns, which really makes me want to just punch them in the face, because really, couldn't you be killing some of them instead of explaining all of this to me?

And once they're all gone and dead, we will head into fly season, and then cockroach season, the thought of which makes me wonder if I'd rather risk being shot by a drug-dealer in the Brooklyn ghettos than have to put up with this nonsense. We'll see how long I last...

Blind Leading the Blind

Someone found my blog today by googling "i stopped drinking how long until my liver works properly".

Sweetheart, all I'm gonna say is that you're definitely looking for answers in the wrong place.

Other ones in the past day include:

"how do you say sorry to a friend after a night of drunken stupidity"
"too drunk to go home"
"drunk texting regrets"
"crackheads"


Proper blog post coming soon...