Thursday, May 11, 2006

Wanna Be On Top? Be A Twat.

So, after a hiatus where Ellen and I were unable to watch America's Next Top Model together for various little reasons (me being on another contintent, me being drunk, me being hungover, etc.) we were finally able to pick up where we left off last night for the latest episode to air down here.

This is the one you guys in the US would have seen about a month ago where Tyra pretends to faint/collapse. Oh wait, I'm sorry, she was "acting". Now even the people I was watching the show with who didn't know it was fake started laughing as soon as she got her "pained" expression on her face. It was terrible. The only contestant on the show who was genuinely fooled (and subsequently burst into tears) was Furonda, but I think we can all agree that until Furonda gets a real name and starts speaking proper English, her opinion that "Tyra is SUCH a good actress" is rather irrelevant. Now don't get it twisted folks, I love me some Coyote Ugly, but if Tyra is ever paid good money to be in a real movie for more than 7.2 seconds, I will be highly annoyed. She makes Jennifer Lopez look ready to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award, in comparison.

As you can imagine, I was rather appalled when her picture popped up while I was reading Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People yesterday. Really? Is she the best you guys could think of?? I guess what truly bothers me about Tyra Banks is that she is SO FAKE with EVERYTHING she does. She would clearly sell her mother's soul to the devil if it meant more attention. Or she would make a big publicity stunt about turning down Satan's offer, if it meant more attention than that. She so desperately wants to be a not-fat Oprah, but her attempts to relate to people with issues are just so lame.

Other person: My stepfather raped me and hacked my entire extended family to death right in front of me before walking into a day care center and detonating a bomb.

Tyra: Oh girl, I know just how you feel. This one time I had this blue car and it totally didn't match with my dress...


Now granted, that actually sounds a lot like someone trying to have a real conversation with me. But at least when I'm being self-absorbed and insensitive, it's more of a personal hobby, a not-for-profit activity if you will. This silly bitch is making ridiculous amounts of cash off of this nonsense. And she thinks she's fooling people!! Her most genuine attempt at relating to another's hardships is to tell potential models how people call her "five-head" (instead of "forehead", for those of you a bit slow on the uptake here) because her forehead is so big. Um yeah, I'm pretty sure that I could take that with a smile and nod if it came with a check for 20 bazillion dollars. Actually for that kind of money, someone would be more than welcome to call me various offensive epithets while dancing on my ancestor's graves, and I'd still send them flowers. Not a problem.

In the end, Tyra has really driven home the meaning of the phrase "someone I love to hate", which I never really understood until about the 4th "cycle" of Top Model. I think she's phony, retarded and annoying, but god damn there would be a serious chasm in my life without her on my TV on a regular basis. (That statement might actually say a lot more about the state of my life rather than anything substantial about Tyra Banks, but let's not think too much about that, okay?)

3 comments:

n. jax said...

you know, I was just saying to Tony Tuesday night (while I was watching last week's episode), that Tyra seriously gets on my nerves but darn if I don't want to keep watching the show. Therefore furthering her career...She's kind of like a car wreck you can't turn away from.

Anonymous said...

don´t write about things you apparently don´t know anything about

Zander said...

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Tyra Banks!!