Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Why You're Single

I am a very active Facebook user. Some would say prolific. I post photos from pretty much anything remotely interesting that I do, and I mostly see my status updates as a perfect opportunity to judge everyone and everything around me. It's fun.

Of course, we all have those Facebook "friends" who overshare. And I don't mean the ones who post photos of their babies and pets. I mean the ones who don't seem to think there's anything inappropriate about letting us all know the rather intimate details of their personal lives.

And so, I thought I'd give you a taste of my favorite Facebook nutjob. We briefly worked together many years ago in New York, and she was one of the people who I added with the intention of removing after a while when I didn't think they'd notice. (See, I'm not totally heartless.) However, I quickly came to look forward to her ridiculous status updates profiling her divorce proceedings (yes, really) and whatever else she could contribute that was amazingly lacking in any sort of self-awareness.

Here are my top 10 status updates from only the last few weeks:

This is probably one of the less ridiculous things she's posted. Having said that, I'm not sure why everyone on Facebook would need to know the date her divorce papers were filed. (Also, I'm pretty sure you're not actually 'free' until the papers are processed and approved. But I won't nitpick.)

Did she just refer to herself as "young and beautiful"? Well, as long as you've convinced yourself, honey.

Or, just trying to avoid identity theft. But go on, continue stalking.

These are my favorites - the divorce settlement details. I mean the guy sounds like an absolute prick, but these status updates really make me feel like I understand why he left.

Nothing better than passive aggressive bitching about your friends on Facebook because they didn't want to hang out with your crazy ass. One guess as to what they think is annoying...

Wow, there was almost a tiny bit of self-awareness in this one! I wanted to give her a pat on the back when I read it.

This is a perfect example of over sharing. It sounds like something she meant to write in an email to a good friend she hasn't seen in a while...except it's on Facebook, for asshole strangers like myself to gawk at and hope that she's getting professional help.

I had assumed that she meant this as some sort of obvious double entendre. Then I read the comments where she sincerely told her friends that had absolutely no idea that people might interpret it in a dirty way. So either she's stupid and really didn't imagine it might sound pervy, or she's just completely insane. Maybe one of her other personalities wrote it.

Once again, lady, NOT FACEBOOK MATERIAL. Unless you're hoping to inspire hordes of hungry men to descend upon your doorstep. Knowing her, she's probably already posted her full address and phone number in a status update.

I really, really had to fight the urge to click "Like" on this one. Hopefully the ensuing comments on her status were enough to fill that empty void for the evening.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And folks, this is just from the last MONTH. Having said that, she's clearly heading out of divorce territory which means I may lose interest and finally delete her after a year of the crazy, but at least we had this chance to share.


Megan said...

You are such a huge, huge bitch.

I really need to read your blog more often.

Sesame said...

Oh and i'm dying...hilarious!!

Tony Espinoza said...

You're my god damn hero. If I could afford it, I'd fly to Australia just to high-five you. You're still in Australia, right?