One segment is just an update on engagements and marriages, people who had babies, recent hires, and people who have resigned. And for some reason, I was put forward as the ideal person to present that segment this month.
I might have done alright if the segment had been closer to the beginning of the meeting. As a result, the following ensued:
- I decided to bring a bottle of wine with me from the drinks table so I wouldn't have to keep getting up during the meeting
- I got progressively drunker throughout the meeting, including talking while everyone else was presenting
- I was still talking to the people around me when I realized the room had gone quiet, and looked up to see my name on the screen
- I then swore - loudly - and stumbled to the front of the room
- For some reason, I started by talking about myself
- My first announcement was one I made up on the spot, about how a guy on our team had gotten engaged at lunchtime, and I made everyone give him a round of applause. He's never even had a girlfriend.
- I fortunately refrained from saying that I think newborn babies are gross - but it crossed my mind
- When one of our team's new hires declined to tell an embarrassing story about himself, I stepped in and told one about him
- At the end I was supposed to congratulate certain people from another team within my division on passing some exam, which I worded as "Congratulations on passing your exam and becoming...uh...certified, or whatever it is that happens to you now."
The whole routine got more than a few laughs, but I think we can be confident that senior management was not impressed and I likely won't be asked to present at that meeting again any time soon.
On the plus side, I got drunk for free.