My Favorite Things

Because I'm not Oprah, my favorite things aren't thousand-dollar gadgets, and you aren't getting a god damn thing from me. Sorry. But being the 99% (the better, cleaner end, to be clear on the matter), it's the little things that we have to find value in.

For example, my favorite internet ad would probably have to be this one:

Let us count the ways that this is amazing:

• Apparently you won't just look 10 years younger, not just 20, but THIRTY YEARS. I love how overboard they went with that claim, to the point that even a mentally challenged teenager in the midst of a serious heroin trip would pause and think it was ridiculous. Maybe if a 27 year old uses it they will end up looking like the lining of their mother's uterus.

• Hey wait...I work in Ryde. And it's a person IN RYDE that has this secret. Shit, I better click on it. Except wait, everyone in Ryde is kind of poor, fat and ugly the last time I checked, and I don't want to look at them. It would be far more appealing if they'd claimed it was some old forgotten trick from some island in the Mediterranean. Better yet, I'm guessing they paid extra for that ad feature.

• Oh, did you see the image? Because apparently what we're talking about is a face lift. As in your face will peel off and you will have a completely different one underneath. Because THAT'S HOW SCIENCE WORKS.

• It only costs $5. Then explain Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Stodden, and the numerous other rich assholes who can't even seem to try and look their own actual age. Guess they just haven't seen your ad yet!

All I can hope is that whoever is responsible for these will end up in bankruptcy court or prison within the next 6 months. Until then, thanks for the laughs.