Friday, July 29, 2011


As part of my ongoing struggle with insomnia, I followed a friend's recommendation and made an appointment with a naturopath for last night.

Until I got there, I have to admit that I had no actual idea what a naturopath was. All I knew was that she'd helped my friend get over her insomnia a few months ago, and at this point I couldn't be that picky about trying new things.

So it turns out, a naturopath is basically a witch. Who went to school. A certified witch.

First we did normal stuff, like talk about my insomnia, and of course my health in general. I was as honest as possible, and pointed out that while I generally eat healthy (not counting yesterday's McDonald's, which totally doesn't count anyway for a reason I have yet to come up with) and get more exercise than most people I know, I probably drink more than most people I know as well. She didn't seem to think this was a bad thing, especially after I pointed out that the few times I've slept well lately were after a few hours of boozing.

But then she pulled out what looked like a cheap 21st century magic wand. It had lights and made sounds, and she pressed it to certain points on my ears that supposedly corresponded to the rest of my body. I half expected her to yell "Patronus!" at some point, but she just kept pressing it to different parts of my ear every time it made a high pitched squeal. We can thank old Chinese medicine for that one.

Then there were the things I'm supposed to take every night before I go to bed. The magnesium and potassium supplements were normal enough, but the odd herbal concoction (which I refer to as "the potion") looks and tastes disgusting. And might turn me into a toad.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm not totally sold on naturopaths. Having said that, I'm pretty desperate for something to cure my insomnia, so I'm actually going to follow her advice for at least a week and see what happens. Feel free to check in on me and make sure I haven't turned into a winged monkey.

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