Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Happy Australia Day - I Hate You

This past weekend was a long one -- we had Monday off for Australia Day, where even old people seem to find it perfectly acceptable get trashed all day and dance. But this post isn't about drunken dancing old ladies. Some people even seem to find such things "cute" and think I'm a bastard for being horrified by their very existence. So fine, let me move on.

I want to talk about the BBQ I went to at my cousin's house on Sunday. It was her new house which was pretty cool, and we all set into drinking heavily, singing along to music, and ended up playing midnight volleyball in the pool, surely to the delight of all the neighbors.

The most offensive part though, was having "that girl" in attendance. I've supposedly met her before, although I have zero recollection. And understandably so, as I imagine many people actually block out memories of her. She was the girl that inevitably starts a massive fight with her boyfriend any time they are in a group with other people, and then acts like a complete ass clown and cries and wants people to have sympathy for her.

Now don't get me wrong, I realize most people have been there. You're drunk, a certain mood strikes, and things get a bit messy. But if you're the person that does this every single time you smell a beer, then maybe it's time to reevaluate your life. Especially if you're crying, then dancing, and then dancing AND crying at the same time. Do you have ANY idea what that looks like, even to people who have been drinking beer, wine and vodka for 12 hours? My god.

Some additional tips for the "lady" in question:

1) We got out of the pool about 2 hours ago. Please get your not-so-toned ass out of that bikini into some real clothes.

2) If I very deliberately turn away from you at the moment you make eye contact with me when you're looking for someone's shoulder to cry on, I am not simply delaying that scenario. I am excusing myself from it. Don't try again 5 minutes later.

3) When I posted the photos to Facebook and didn't tag you in any of them, I actually thought I was doing you a favor. I realize you're no poster girl for the concept of "dignity", but why you would want to tag yourself in a photo where your eyes were rolled back in your head and you were slipping out of your bikini top, I can't even imagine.

4) Please be aware that even though I accepted your friend request just to be polite, I will delete you from my list at the next culling and simply hope you don't notice. Don't make me block you.

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