If Resumes Weren't Complete Lies...

In honor of my last day at this company, I decided I should put together an honest job description that you definitely won't find on my resume:

• Deflected large amounts of work using various strategies (scattered papers around my desk, walking quickly through the halls as if doing something remotely important) to give the impression that I was far too busy to do anything else; effectively allowed myself to spend 90% of time in the office on blogging and various other personal internet activities
• Abused freedom of position to take an estimated 217% overage of vacation days in 2005, all off the record
• Served as a central fixture in the flow of gossip throughout the company and across all departments
• Spearheaded and actively participated in the "Mean Girls" contingent in the office; the team's crowning achievement was having a coworker quit claiming she could no longer take our offensive and inappropriate commentary, leading to a sexual harassment investigation

Ah, confession is good for the soul. If I had a soul, that is.