And So The Holiday Parties Begin...

Sometimes I think that all of these holiday parties are some conspiracy to weed out the alcoholics and addicts within the organization. For example, an email from a friend about last night:

had my holiday party. open bar. lost $50, my gold bracelet and woke up with a coworker in my bed. and that's all i remember.

i think i offered to jump out of my boss' birthday cake naked. holy crap. how do i still have a job.

I doubt I'll come anywhere close to that at my company party on Thursday night, but here's hoping. Although I think this story from another Zander's blog (confusing, I know) takes the cake:

...when I was pulling out of the Government Center parking garage, I saw what I thought was a body on the corner, surrounded by police and an ambulance. When the light changed and I got closer, I saw that it was my co-worker, passed out in a pool of his own vomit. Alcohol poisoning. He spent the night in Mass General.

Now that's just dumb. But funny, cause it's not me.

Thanks, I Was Wondering If I Served Any Purpose In Life

Emily: hey -- can you put an ad on your blog for me?

Zander: ??

Emily: i have a 40 in my fridge i want to give away

Emily: to the first taker

Zander: what on earth are you talking about

Emily: i have 40 ounces of malt liquor

Emily: in my fridge

Emily: we will never drink it

Emily: and i'd like to post a classified on your blog for someone to take it

Zander: . . .

Save Money This Holiday Season!

Sorry, but this is the funniest thing ever. Especially if you're evil (and a little bit drunk) like me.

Crackheads Represent

Reasons why everyone on Saturday night must have thought we were on some hardcore drugs:

• Emily and I trashing the Christmas decorations (breaking candy canes, pounding the walls, tearing down ribbons) simply because we could

• [A friend who will remain unnamed] lying on her back with her legs in the air, demanding someone give her something, anything, so she could demonstrate her ability to pop objects out of her cooch

• Emily and I starting a water fight which resulted in me getting soaking wet, as well as some slightly damp and really pissed off bystanders

• Phil wearing an orange turtleneck with short sleeves (as in an orange turtleneck with short sleeves) that only someone on some serious acid would have thought was a good idea (sorry, dude)

• Jessica pointing at a guy she had just met 4 minutes earlier, yelling "Somebody get this stiff a drink!"

• Did I mention this was a house party where we didn't know anyone?
  

This night was made possible by my brother and the 100 proof bottle of Stoli he gave me for my birthday. You idiot.

Alas, So True

Zander: dude no one's going out tonight cause of the rain or something

Joe: yeah, i'm not going out either

Zander: that's lame, i was ready to get drunk

Joe: you're not going out then?

Zander: nope, just gonna party it up tomorrow i guess

Joe: and what will you write about in your blog now...

Joe: nothing!

Zander: jerk.

Joe: HAHAHAAAAHA

Conversations With St. Nick

I was alerted to the fact that Santa Claus himself is on IM. I'm sure some people think it's just some automated IM bot that doesn't actually understand what you're saying, but my Christmas spirit came through and we had a nice chat...


Zander: what's UP dude

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AIM! So, have you been naughty or nice?*

Zander: very very naughty

SantaClaus: Oh dear! Well, there is still time to get on my good list.

Zander: uh right...SO...wanna get a drink?

SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type 'music', maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit

Zander: listen, let's be serious...i doubt a chubs like you gets the chance to go out and party very often, so why don't we hit up a few bars?

SantaClaus: It depends if Christmas is coming or not

Zander: but you have all that midget slave labor to build the toys, let's hang out

SantaClaus: Oh my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?

Zander: heh...mouthful...i always knew you were a perv, sneaking into kids bedrooms and all that

SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read.

Zander: so you're fat AND stupid

SantaClaus: Well, I am trying to learn.


*His lame attempts to sell me goods and services have been removed from the transcript

Alcoholic Math

In case anyone other than Emily is interested in this stuff, here's one for you...

Jessica X 6 drinks + 0 dinner = Beligerence.

Evidence: After 4 vodka drinks and 2 beers on an empty stomach, Jessica spots a man in a PITT (University of Pittsburgh, for the uninformed) sweatshirt. She then begins yelling "SHIT ON PITT! SHIT ON PITT!" for entirely too long, until not only does the guy take his sweatshirt off, but the bartender tells her to shut the fuck up.


Similarly: Zander X 6 drinks + 0 dinner = Me barely getting to work in time for my 10am meeting.

My Mom Could Have Told Me That

What kind of drunk are you? Sloppy Drunk You are a liability in public places, because you tend to elbow glasses, knock into wobbly tables and back into waitresses holding full pitchers. You probably wake up in the mornings wondering where you got all those bruises. You're embarrassing, but amusing to watch as well.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Pretty accurate. Although I haven't knocked over any waitresses in weeks.

Thanks For Sharing

Just received another reader review on Blogorama and thought I'd comment on all of them so far...

Rated 10 on Monday, 22 November 2004 -- Hilarious. Although for the sake of his body I hope he's exaggerating about at least some of it! Rated by Elaine

No Elaine, I'm not exaggerating at all. And please, don't worry about my body. I don't!

Rated 9 on Wednesday, 24 November 2004 -- pretty damn funny, loses a point for being a total idiot, but gets 9 for being an entertaining moron. Rated by Adam

Thanks Adam. And oh yeah, fuck you. Next time I want a 10.

Rated 10 on Wednesday, 08 December 2004 -- I love readind the drunksploitations and makes me know that there's someone out there who drinks more than I do thereby making me feel better about myself. And really, isn't that what we all need? Rated by rosey

Hold on there a second Rosey, don't go feeling all better about yourself just yet. In case you haven't been keeping up, I'm actually rather awesome and devastatingly handsome. And in case you need me to knock you down another notch, I eat whatever I want, never go to the gym, and don't gain a pound.


If any more of you wonderful readers want to review or comment on my blog, just click here and I'm sure I'll have an opportunity to berate you within the next few months. Cheers!

It Could Happen To You

As we approach the season for office celebrations and the like, I thought I'd offer up my favorite cautionary tale, in the hopes that anyone reading will learn something, and be careful with how much alcohol they consume in the presence of their coworkers.

Aw who am I kidding, I love to hear about you guys fucking up. But this is too classic not to share...

The Culprit: Young assistant media buyer

The Scene: Fox upfront party at NYC restaurant The Boathouse

The Incident: A girl who was apparently fresh out of college and relatively new to the media scene attended a Fox party where she proceeded to bring new meaning to the word shit-faced. She got absolutely hammered, fell down and cut her leg open, threw up, and then passed out on a white leather couch where she then shit herself. The girl had to be carted away by paramedics.

As you can imagine, on this morning in late May 2004, I pushed aside all of the important work I do each day (haha I almost typed that without laughing) and followed this story very closely via Defamer and Gawker. See their very serious journalism at work here and here.


There's a lesson to be learned here kids, and that lesson is: It Really Sucks To Be Her.

"Do you drink?"

Had to go get my foot x-rayed and checked yesterday to make sure I won't be a gimp for life. Actual conversation with a doctor while he was asking me the standard questions:

Doctor: So, do you drink?

Zander: Uh, yes.

Doctor: What, just on special occasions and stuff?

Zander: Those too...

Doctor: So you're a social drinker?

[Zander remains silent, hoping that 'binge drinker', 'drunk' or 'functional alcoholic' might be the next option, without having to say it himself]

Doctor: Okay, then social drinker. Any history of heart problems in your family...

[Zander breathes a sigh of relief]

Birthday Present from Gawker

Gawker has been kind enough to give me a belated birthday present in the form of publishing me and Vicki's Tony Danza spotting in the latest edition of Gawker Stalker:

Grabbed drinks with a friend at the Tribeca Grand Hotel last night, when all five foot six of Tony Danza strolled in with a chick who we agreed was maybe better looking than 50% of the population, but not nearly hot enough for someone of his legendary fame and stature. He pretended not to hear us singing the 'Who's The Boss' theme song a couple times in a row and making references to 'She's Outta Control' -- he's a good sport.

That is totally C-list fame by association, eat your hearts out!

When The Pimp's In Da Crib Ma, Drop It Like It's Hawwt...

So Saturday night was my big birthday bash at Flow with 80 of my closest friends. Everyone was actually pretty well-behaved, but keep in mind this is all relatively speaking.

Started the night at my place (see picture) where I insisted on wearing my "Rock Out With Yer Cock Out" trucker hat, "Without ME it's just AWESO" t-shirt, and my trashy jeans with the holes in the crotch. Jess said I looked like Paris Hilton, which is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me, since I've always wanted to be a stupid spoiled whore just like her, as everyone knows.

We had our standard drunken subway ride into the city, complete with Jess telling a woman with a baby that she wanted to have brown babies just like hers, and Emily chasing a huge rat around the platform.

I've attempted to narrow my summary of the rest of the night down to the 10 most notable things about my birthday:

10) Bex biting me (for no apparent reason)

9) Olga's conversation with my brother's girlfriend...

Olga: Are you half Asian?

GF: No.

Olga: Oh. That's too bad.

8) My brother's friend deciding it was a good idea to just grab a beer from the neighboring table, almost starting a fight with some mongoloids who were definitely on the wrong side of the Hudson River

7) Playing with Domini's titties

6) Playing with Olga's titties

5) Olga biting me (this ranks higher because she left a nasty bruise)

4) Olga to my friend Liran: "You're not Jewish, you're blond."

3) My amazing lack of tact...

Zander: DUDE YOU'RE LATE. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? WHAT YOU HAD SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN COME TO MY BIRTHDAY??

Friend: Uh actually, I was breaking up with my girlfriend.

Zander: Um...

2) Bex booting in the champagne bucket...and then denying that this had happened until the bartender came over and said "Hi I just saw you throw up in the champagne bucket. Please don't do that."


...and the #1 thing about my birthday celebration was...


1) Playing with Domini's titties.


There were other things, like one guest kicking another in the face and what not, but we expect that to heal pretty nicely, so it didn't make the list. Click here for plenty of pictures (login/registration possibly required, but definitely worth it)

Woke up feeling like ass, so naturally my first drink at brunch with my family contained champagne, Bombay Gin AND Creme de Cassis. A couple of bottles of wine later, my mom says "Oh, try and keep 1pm on the 15th free, Fred and I are going to get married." Thanks for the heads up, mother!

So What Are They Trying To Say?

What I've received for my birthday so far:

• 50 mL bottle of Stoli (perfect for those late night subway rides
• 750 mL bottle of 100 proof Stoli (perfect, in general)
• A "How Drunk" set of 6 coasters with definitions of the different stages of drinking -- Sober, Tipsy, Plastered, Drunk, Shit-faced, and Hungover
• A birthday card implying that I will die young due to my alcohol abuse (from family friends, no less!)
• Large amounts of money -- which will inevitably be used to buy booze

Proper update on the big birthday bash coming soon, once someone tells me what happened.

Birthday Week Celebration Continues...

Well, I'm still way too hungover to write a coherent post, but just wanted to send a few messages out to people before we all start drinking again in 3 hours:

Note to Jess -- Acting out very graphic lesbian sex on the dance floor does not count as a dance routine. Stop it.

Note to Domini -- Remember when I was acting all drunk and obnoxious and told you that your titties better be on full display for my big bash tonight? Well I was dead serious. We better see those puppies out and proud or you're not getting past the bouncer.

Note to Self -- There are more appropriate times to tell everyone's favorite retard joke ("What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics?") than while running drunkenly through a busy intersection. Show some sensitivity.

Note to Random Bouncer -- In case you were wondering what's #1 on the List of Things You Don't Say to a Girl You Just Met, I can assure you that it's your line: "If you went on a date with me you'd wake up with a burning asshole." No, seriously.

Note to Vicki -- Somehow I'm pretty sure you're the only person who could elicit that response from a bouncer.

Note to Emily -- Quit trying to stick your finger in my butt. In public, anyway. Woof.

Maybe He's Got A Point

Zander: yeah i want to save my energy for tomorrow
Zander: don't wanna burn out
Phil: and so you're starting at 9 at Jess's house
Phil: good plan
Phil: a) whenever you start before 10 - bad news
Phil: b) whenever you pour own drinks - worse news
Zander: i don't think i'm gonna drink on the subway though!
Phil: rrrriiiiiiiggghhhhtt....
Phil: not convinced, sorry...
Phil: but if keeping your alcohol consumption only to places where you're legally allowed to consume it means "saving your energy," then go right ahead

"Hold me close, young Tony Danza"

Met up with Vicki to grab drinks and dinner (w/ more drinks) after work. First stop was the Tribeca Grand Hotel, where moments after we sat down, Tony Danza walked in with some not-hot-at-all chick and sat down nearby.

Vicki promptly started belting out "Hold me close, young Tony Danza..." as well as a few Who's The Boss impressions. Her? From out of town? Nooo.

Then headed to some cheesy Italian place in Little Italy and had some cheap white wine with our dinner. Vicki claimed to not be drunk at all, so I guess we have to chalk the following conversation up to being dumb:

Me: She's really cool.
Vicki: So I've heard!
Me: Yeah.
Vicki: Wait, you've never met her??
Me: Huh? Of course I've met her. You're the one who said "so I've heard".
Vicki: Oh. Right.


The night ended with a subway ride home, where some kids were about to get into a fight because some were Puerto Ricans and some were Dominicans. Obviously.

And in the end, isn't that the great thing about New York? All the racial harmony? And Tony Danza?

Ah, The Memories

Sorry, felt the need to post this.

I just love this picture from the night Emily had to get stitches. This is only moments before the blessed incident, where we have Emily who is clearly canned, on the subway, clutching a plastic bottle of Ruby Red Vodka, and harassing some unsuspecting teen on the subway.

Pure class.

Colin Farrell = Awesome

I know what you're thinking. No, he's not awesome, because his movies suck. I was one of the unlucky few who saw 'Alexander' this weekend, thinking that it couldn't really be as bad as everyone was saying, and I was so so wrong. I would rather have screws drilled into my forehead, or even go a week without drinking before having to sit through that mess again.

Having said all that he's my hero otherwise, as evidenced by this quote from Oliver Stone on their first encounter:

“The first meeting was a disaster. [Farrell] was a skinny little Dublin boy, drunk as a skunk — breaking glasses in the restaurant, with his hand on my thigh the whole time. I couldn’t stand him."

I can't wait until I have the balls to show up to major job interviews completely smashed, break shit, and grope my interviewer. And STILL get the job. Rock on, Colin. Just don't make any more movies.

Birthday Week Begins...

A pretty quiet kickoff for my birthday week. Met up with a few people for happy hour after work, and we were all uncharacteristically mellow. Oh wait, except for friend Vicki, in town from St. Louis. With no dinner and 4 apple martinis, she was about as hyper as a hummingbird on crack.

Shining moment: Vicki yelling at another bar patron (about baseball?), hitting said bar patron, and when he buys her a drink, spilling half the drink all over the newspaper he was attempting to read. Nice.

Vicki, New York welcomes you with open arms. Well, at least the drunks do.