Keeping It Professional

There were a ton of parties going on Saturday night, so it took me a while to get to the last stop of the night -- a coworker's birthday bash. I managed to arrive just minutes before the birthday boy was escorted out by security for being too drunk. Well done, Rodney.

Anyway, because I was taking so long to get there, one of my fellow cubicle drones in particular decided to take it upon himself to be the threatening and obnoxious drunk, via text messages and voicemails. Fortunately I saved all of the messages, meaning I was able to transcribe them and email them out to everyone in the office before he even showed his pathetically embarrassed face this morning.

His threats have been reproduced below, slurring not included to make it easier to read for those not fluent in drunk-speak:

11.31pm voicemail
zander you freak it's jonathan, what's up man, get your ass over here. this...this...this shizzle is off the hizzle man, you just gotta come over here. i mean, people are swinging from the ceilings, there's like naked chicks running around. i mean, if you miss this you're gonna be the biggest loser on the entire...five borough area. people are gonna walk up to you and say "did you go to that party, rodney's party?" and you're gonna say no, and they're just gonna look at you and shake their head in sadness cause you missed it. jaya's here, i'm here...rodney's here too, but it's the first two that are important. so get your ass down here.

12.26am text message
Loser. when u gettin here?

12.53am text message
Hurry your black ass up*

1.35am voicemail
oh my god. i mean, like, loser with a capital L. there's like a full blown orgy going down here. there's like people snorting cocaine off of hookers breasts, and the bar...like, they killed the bartender, so people are just pouring drinks. anyway you better get your ass down here or i'm gonna make sure you get a beat down at work tomorrow...well, not tomorrow, cause tomorrow is sunday, but you know what i mean. and if you don't show up to work, i'm gonna know that you're a pussy. so get down here...i'm so drunk i don't even know where i am anymore, but hurry the fuck up.



*Even funnier when you consider that the person saying this is a 34-year old caucasian.