If The Shoe Fits, You're Fired

My latest obsession at work is judging people by their shoes. Because it's amazing what you can tell about someone by what they choose to place on their feet.

There are the people who wear sneakers or thongs/flip flops around the office. These tend to be people who have a role they're very comfortable in and don't see any real desire for advancement. (This also applies to people who get face tattoos.) Don't even get me started on Crocs, but I have seen them in the office and had to assume that these were people who aren't familiar with the internet, where such footwear is mocked widely.

Of course you always have the ladies who wear crazy heels in an effort to be fashion forward, but unfortunately just look like strippers. That's okay, they'll probably marry well. Or at least blackmail some married guy to find their way to success.

Possibly the most frustrating are the guys who wear shoes that are appropriate for work...if you work in 1998. I mean seriously, where are they even able to buy those things?? They're never getting promoted.

But easily, the most rage-inspiring "shoes" I've seen on someone are open-heeled dress shoes on a man.Haha, I bet that didn't even make sense to you when you read it. Yes, I said dress shoes on a man that are open-heeled. Sort of like this:

I told you. I think these were created to test my character as a human being. And it has failed that test, because I will never ever forgive the man I saw wearing these a few weeks ago. It's like business up front and party in the back - an actual shoe mullet. You asshole. What on earth were you thinking??

While I think it should be standard practice to fire someone on the spot for such a travesty, Australia isn't quite as loose as the US when it comes to being able to fire people for absolutely anything you can think of, so I will just have to settle for the fact that the man wearing said shoes is a contractor and probably won't get renewed when the time comes. Thank god.

A Blogger's Existential Crisis

Wow, almost 2 months without one blog post. That's pretty pathetic, I know. And this time, it feels different. I actually had plenty of time in the last few weeks to log on and write something inane, but I just didn't feel like it.

Hickster asked me about my blogging earlier today and that's what prodded me to take a closer look. I mean the rather obvious reason for my lack of motivation is that I simply don't drink that much anymore. And while it used to be hilarious to have a blog that was inspired and fueled by things like waking up wearing makeup and a bleeding arm without any recollection of the night before (thanks for that, 2004), at a grand old age of 33 even a mild hangover just seems sort of embarrassing and a reason to re-evaluate my life.

It doesn't help that I seem to be filling my life with activities that are inherently boring and would make most people contemplate ending it all if they felt like they had to read about them on a regular basis. Do you care about my herb and vegetable garden? Funny, not sure I do either. Perhaps a day by day recap of which tiles I'm thinking about for the new bathrooms? Didn't think so. And while I do frequent a large number of restaurants, I'm personally pretty sure that food bloggers are destined to occupy a very special place in Hell, having to ensure some very special terror for each time that they described the flavors of a dish as 'melodious'.

Hickster suggested that I rename the blog "Am I Getting Old?", but from the paragraph above I think we already know the answer is yes. So whatever - I will maybe blog a little more, maybe I won't, and my dwindling readership may just have to enjoy having more time to read updates from someone who isn't giving up on life. Haha? Sigh.

Aw, I Missed You

Mickey is visiting Sydney and staying with me for a few days. After arriving on Saturday morning, he wasted no time with anything pathetic like sleeping after a 24 hour journey. No, we had a few drinks, went to dinner, a couple of bars, and around 4am I found myself picking him up off the bathroom floor and helping him find his bed. At least he was fully clothed. Although that somehow makes the whole thing even weirder, if you ask me.

Sunday was another session, and I may have had to work from home on Monday. In any case, I'm almost feeling human again today. And I think that may mean it's time to head off and meet Mickey for margaritas. Shut up, liver.

You Know You Were In Vegas Recently When...

...you wake up on a Saturday morning at home after a 7 hour drinking session with friends that included shots of tequila, and you feel fresh as a daisy.

Seriously, I should *not* feel okay right now. And yet, I'm ready to do it all over again. Let's go.

It's All Relative

Just when I was feeling a bit embarrassed about my now only occasional but still juvenile inability to pace myself while drinking, Juice comes back with stories that make me feel so much better.

See, Juice apparently works for a company that hires only serious drinkers and borderline alcoholics. So on Friday night, after a particularly heavy session, one of his female colleagues ended up vomiting all over the train while on her way home from the bar.

Not to be beaten, a male colleague eventually ended up in the hospital and on a drip after too many tequila shots.

Ah, schadenfreude. You're always there to prop up my dignity in times of need.

Party Like It's 2006: Sunday Session

As I've probably documented on this blog, Australians are firm believers in "the Sunday Session" - getting together in the afternoon on a Sunday to start drinking with no end in sight, everyone pretending every step of the way that none of us actually have to do anything productive the following day.

So after a long 5-course lunch in the sun, CJ and I wandered over to the pub to have "just one or two more" before calling it a day.

Alas, I have no recollection of the last two hours of the afternoon, despite being home by 8pm. And so, after two Sundays in a row that probably didn't need to involve quite so much alcohol, I've decided I should possibly avoid returning to the glory days of 2006 where Sunday Sessions were a permanent fixture of my social calendar. Because, hell, I am way too old for this shit.

So, This Conversation Happened

The scene: Opera Bar. Well before my friends have arrived, and after a hideous but ultimately successful week in the office.


Zander: Hi there. Can I please get a bottle of the Pinot Gris?

Bartender: No worries. How many glasses?

Zander: Just one is fine, thanks.

Bartender:

Zander: It's been a rough week. Don't judge.



And so we had a quick but hearty laugh, and then I settled down at a table outside overlooking the harbour and enjoyed my little reward to myself. Alone. AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

Daylight Savings BBQ/Dance Party

We've finally reached that time of year in Sydney where not only is it warming up, but the sun is out until 7pm. And so, I felt it necessary to celebrate the arrival of daylight savings with a small BBQ.

That may have turned into a boozefest/dance party. On a Sunday evening.

I love my life. Unfortunately, I don't love my hangover quite so much.

You Will Forgive Me

So, I've apparently ignored my blog for most of September. Didn't even realize that had happened.

But to make it up to you, I have another installment of Ali B, crazy Facebook chick who loves sharing the details of her personal life with a guy she briefly worked with almost a decade ago. (Me.)

In any case, my very first blog post about her was titled "Why You're Single", mostly because half of her updated were about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend. Well, guess what? SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

Now of course, I only determined this by sifting through the subtlest of hints in her Facebook status updates:

I know what you're thinking. "But Zander, she's barely insinuated ANYTHING about being in a relationship, I think you're jumping to conclusions." But you know what? I know her better than you do, so you're just going to have to trust me on this one.

In any case, it's great that she's found someone. If they've really been together for a whole month, maybe she'll start thinking about the usual next step in a relationship, like going on a vacation together, or maybe even introducing him to her friends, or perhaps...

DEAR GOD WOMAN. Seriously??

Anyway it may not matter, as a few days ago there was this:

And I figure it's not looking great when you're celebrating the dysfunction in your relationship when you've been together for less than 6 months. And finally, there was this:

For those who aren't familiar with passive-aggressive Facebooking, this generally tends to indicate that there's been a breakup. So we can go back to status updates like this one:

Oh, honey. That's more like it.

15 Ways To Look Like An Idiot

Earlier this week someone posted a link to an article with the tantalizing (and inherently ridiculous) headline of "15 ways rich people think differently" by some fool named Sarah O'Carroll who apparently interviewed an even bigger fool named Steve Siebold who wrote a book called How Rich People Think. Granted, this article was from news.com.au, which is probably the least likely place on the web to get anything resembling real insight. But I'm a sucker for a stupid headline and wanted to see if the contents could possibly be as dumb as expected.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was nothing short of blown away that someone would actually write this and then post it on the internet with their actual name attached to it. (Better yet, it's apparently based on a book that someone wrote about this topic, dear lord.) Let's take a moment, shall we?

THE rich think differently to the rest of us.

True. They think "I'm rich!" while the rest of us do not have that luxury. That's really where this piece should have ended.

You need look no further than mining magnate Gina Rinehart with her “get out of the pub” comments or billionaire Clive Palmer’s plans to build Titanic II to see that.

Just for some context, Gina Rinehart is one of the world's richest women - because she inherited a fortune from her father. But that apparently gives her the right to berate the vast majority of people who weren't handed insane sums of money.

And Clive Palmer is someone who would rather use his money to build another Titanic (because the first time went so well?) instead of, oh I don't know, funding education programs or feeding starving people in countries no food. In short, he is an asshole.

1. Rich people think selfishness is a virtue
Average people feel they need to save the world and put others before themselves which is keeping them poor. Rich people take the attitude that if they don’t help themselves first they can’t help anyone else.

I'm pretty sure most of us know more than a few selfish assholes who are not rich. Just a hunch.

2. Rich people have an action mentality
You wouldn’t see a rich person lining up to play the lottery (even before they were rich). Average people are always waiting on someone else to help them get rich - the Lotto, Government, friend or spouse – but it only keeps them poor. Rich people take action and spend time solving problems.

A very basic Google search would actually show that a lot of millionaires play (and win) the lottery. Also, I will comment on stupid generalizations at the end of this hot mess, but love the use of "always" to describe how "average people" wait on someone else to help them get rich. Also, the equating of average people with poor people, because that is apparently the same thing? (Let's not even get into the number of rich people who haven't solved a problem in their lives. I'm looking at you, Kardashians.)

3. Rich people favour specific knowledge over formal education
Average people believe the road to riches is through doing masters and doctorates. Rich people are generally rich because they have made money selling a specific knowledge they have acquired. 

Did you decide to actually educate yourself? You fool! Loving the implication that people only pursue education in order to acquire wealth, because what other reason could there ever be to learn anything, right?

4. Rich people dream of the future
Rich people spend a lot of time looking into the future, setting goals and looking forward to what lies ahead. Average people dwell on the past which often holds them back by making them unhappy or depressed.

Yeah cause all you AVERAGE PEOPLE are like that dude from Memento. Obviously.

5. Rich people think about money logically
Average and well-educated people can fall into the trap of thinking about money emotionally and just wanting to retire comfortably. Rich people maintain a logical relationship with money viewing it as a tool that represents options and opportunities.

Now this is interesting - the explicit equating of average and well-educated. Something tells me the guy responsible for these idiotic points is desperate to validate the fact that the extent of his formal education was being home schooled by his creepy uncle.

Also, everyone who just wants to retire comfortably instead of acquiring massive amounts of wealth to the detriment of your entire society? IT'S A TRAP.

6. Rich people follow their passion
Oprah Winfrey said it – you’ve got to follow your passion and do what you love. Rich people find a way of getting paid for doing something they love. Average people earn money doing things they don’t love.

Ha, I bet you thought you rather liked, maybe even loved your job until you read that, right? SUCKER. Not possible. Unless you're rich. Apparently.

7. Rich people aim high
Average people set low expectations to avoid disappointment whereas rich people set huge expectations and follow their dreams.

I guess we're not mentioning all the people who set huge expectations and follow their dreams into failure and oblivion. That's cool. I'll just move along. Nothing to see here.

8. Rich people believe you have to “be” someone
Average people on the other hand believe you have to “do” something to be rich and focus on immediate results. Rich people continuously focus on bettering themselves and learn from success and failures.

Man, I knew I shouldn't do anything. I just need to better myself. But not through education. That would make me average. I think? What's happening?

9. Rich people use other people’s money
Average people believe they need their own money to make money whereas rich people have no problem using other people’s.

What does this even mean? Are we at least admitting that most rich people have access to resources that the vast majority of people never will? Or are we basically just recommending that people steal shit from others, a la Bernie Madoff? Because if that's what it said it would actually be THE MOST LOGICAL PART OF THIS ENTIRE LIST.

10. Rich people live below their means
It seems contradictory to the above statement but rich people adopt the attitude of getting rich so you can afford to live below your means. Average people live beyond their means.

How does that seem contradictory? It's a lot easier to live below your means when living just within your means would require buying several small nation-states. Also, there are apparently no average people whatsoever who know how to manage their finances. Good to know.

11. Rich people teach their children how to be rich
Average people teach their children how to survive whereas rich people teach their children from an early age about the world of haves and have nots. 

"Hey, Jimmy? See all this wealth I've accumulated and will give to you despite you have done absolutely nothing to earn it? Here. Now you're rich. I'm such a good parent!"

12. Rich people don’t let money stress them out
Average people do. Rich people find peace of mind in wealth and are not afraid to admit that money can solve most problems – allowing them to make more money. Average people see money as a continuous battle and necessary evil they have to endure.

I love this one. Because rich people are never stressed about money. I mean, the global financial crisis in late 2008 alone would prove entirely otherwise, but maybe if we just block that out of our memory people will think you have a clue what you're talking about.

13. Rich people would rather be educated than entertained
Average people are the opposite. They read novels, tabloids and entertainment rather than continuously educating themselves after school.

Yeah, damn all those average people paying $20 million and up to do things like fly into space for a few days at a time. Or am I reading that wrong? Maybe it is rich people who pay for that sort of entertainment (to the point that a list of space tourists actually needs to list the participants "source of wealth"), but they'd RATHER be continuously educating themselves after school. Got it. My bad.

14. Rich people surround themselves with like-minded people
Average people think rich people are snobs and have a negative attitude towards the super rich. Rich people steer clear of the doom and gloom attitudes and people – adding fuel to the fire of the “snob” label.

Actually most of the biggest snobs I know are people who can't pay off their credit card bills, but let's not let the personal experience of everyone ever get in the way of yet another broad generalization.

15. Rich people focus on earning
Average people focus on saving and miss big opportunities by trying to live frugally. Rich people constantly focus on the big picture – and how to earn the big bucks.

You average idiots, saving and living frugally. But wait, I thought point 10 said that you're living beyond your means? Huh? Does not compute. Maybe this is why the list ends here. Because the author's brain exploded under the weight of all these contradictory and nonsensical statements.

But in the end, it's just amazing that someone could even pretend to believe these stupid statements about how all this type of people are like A and how all this other type of people are like B. You know where you're most likely to see theories like this? Racist websites. "BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAZY AND ASIANS ARE GOOD AT MATH." That is the intellectual level we're dealing with here.

Of course one more point could have been added that would have been entirely accurate. People who are not rich and never will be rich buy books about how rich people think. And the guy who originally spewed all of this crap may well end up being wealthy because of them. Funny how that works.

Professional Asshole

You know things got a little out of hand when you accurately remember all the following things from your Friday night out with colleagues:

• Being the first person to buy a round of tequila shots - this is always terrible because everyone always remembers that as being the beginning of the end, and that it was your fault
• Ignoring my colleagues for an hour to chat to a random friend I told to meet me at the bar - maybe I was concerned I'd get bored with work people
• At karaoke, laying across the laps of several colleagues while belting out Aerosmith - not sure which part of that sentence I should feel worse about
• Apparently thrusting my crotch repeatedly in the face of the super Christian girl who was totally sober because she has never been drunk in her life - this is the stuff HR complaints are made of, people
• Saying goodbye to everyone at the end of the night and promptly walking off in the totally wrong direction for a solid few minutes - probably worth noting that I was literally a 5 minute walk from my front door

So, there's that. And really, I should be more concerned that when all of this was confirmed to me this morning, I was actually relieved that there wasn't anything even more horrific that I'd forgotten about.

Your New Best Friend

Juice is potentially looking at getting a flatmate at some point in the next month, and so he figured he would look through Gumtree (for the Americans, it's basically what's used in Australia instead of Craigslist) to see what sort of people were out there looking for a room.

This has resulted in a few pretty good laughs, but I thought I'd share my favorite with you:

Let's just take a moment, shall we?

"I am Bi, transexual, love to x. dress"

Are you by chance also a black lesbian midget amputee? Seriously, how many demographics are you trying to cover here? Also, would LOVE to meet the women you date, being bisexual and all.

"just want to be relaxed where i live"

So do I, buddy. Which is why I already know I would never want to live with you.

"Can afford anything"

Except you listed your price as a rather measly $150/week.

"even to set up a new residence with right person.. , not fat/old or a user"

That's charming. Basically you want them to accept your oddities, but you won't tolerate anyone who isn't young and slim. Even if you're referring to yourself, this information doesn't exactly paint you in the best light my friend

"genuine also. loive to live life to fullest,..and enjoy."

But that means no fat or old people, remember!


Also, in general, what the hell is up with the punctuation, the grammar, the capitalization? Or should I say the severe lack of all of those things. Infuriating. Would love to know what "good job" you claim to possess, because it clearly isn't anything that involves the written word.

In any case, I highly recommend Juice lets this one move in. For my amusement if nothing else.

Next Year, For Sure

Okay so that whole City2Surf thing didn't really work out. I suppose I should be happy I shaved 30 seconds off of last year's time (in particular considering my 'training'), however I still missed my target by 95 seconds and 2 days later I am still in extreme pain. Like, I make awful sounds every time I sit down, can't say my colleagues are loving it.

Also, didn't even get any decent photos out of it. As you can imagine, I probably won't be shelling out money to get the official version of this one:

I mean seriously, I look miserable. Like suicide may be an actual option at this point. Even better, the other photo they had for me was actually a photo of some random fat Asian guy who happened to have the same last 3 digits I did.

NEXT YEAR.

This Should Be Interesting

On Sunday I will be participating in the City2Surf (a 14km run from Sydney's centre out to Bondi Beach) for the third time. Last year I was pretty focused in my preparation, and my time was just over 72 minutes, and while it was an impressive time I set my sights on doing it in under 70 minutes this year.

And so, in order to prepare to push myself that much harder, here's how I've trained for City2Surf 2012:

• I've been running outside a total of 3 times in the last month
• I have strenuously avoided running or even walking up any kind of hills
• This was after spending 2 weeks eating my way through the US and Mexico
• I love beer

So yeah, this may actually be farcical. And yet, I am still fixated on 70 minutes. Will let you know how that goes.

I Come Bearing Gifts

I know, I've once again ignored my blog for weeks on end. Real posts are coming, but in the meantime I give you the greatest music video since ever.

Where Are They With That Cloning Technology?

I have FIVE projects launching on or around July 1. One of which I've been working on for an entire YEAR. And of course, I am leaving on my next vacation on June 25, so I won't actually be around to watch them all go live.

I'm normally thrilled about holidays, but this one has me mortified because I have so much to do in a week that I'm waking up at 4 in the morning making mental to-do lists. Whenever anyone gives me an excited reminder that I only have a few days left before I jet off to LA-Mexico-Chicago, I actually get heart palpitations.

It's gonna take a lot of tequila to get me to stop worrying about this. Maybe I should start now.

Doctor's Orders

Dental issue seems to be resolved. I went back yesterday (this time to my usual dentist, who told me I was an idiot for taking the laser treatment option) and we just ripped the offending tooth out. Some actual conversations during the 40 minutes I was there:

Dentist: So what do you want to do?
Zander: Let's just rip the tooth out and call it a day, shall we?
Dentist: You know, you may want to just get the bottom wisdom tooth out as well while you're here.
Zander: I don't think that will be necessary.
Dentist: But...
Zander: Listen, I majored in Marketing. I think I know what I'm talking about


Dentist: Okay, so no drinking at the moment while you're healing.
Zander: Wait, for how long?
Dentist: A few days, I guess.
Zander: This is important. I need you to be specific. Can I drink on Friday?
Dentist: Oh whatever, you can drink tonight if you want to.
Zander: Sweet.


Dentist: Now go straight home, get some rest and start taking the painkillers.
Zander: I have tickets to see Prometheus in 3D at the IMAX theatre in 90 minutes.
Dentist: Ooh, tell me how it is! Oh, and no popcorn.


(For the record, my laissez-faire attitude towards medical advice hasn't seem to have backfired. Yet.)

Dental Hell

My excuses for going quiet this time? Apart from work being insane and looking like it will stay that way through the end of the month, I've been having a dental problem for a couple of weeks now. Specifically, a couple of my wisdom teeth have come in a bit more, and as a result the top tooth keeps grinding against the gums on the bottom of my mouth every time I eat or talk.

To summarize - I literally can't stop biting myself.

In any case, I finally went to the dentist (not my usual one) and she gave me two options - remove both the top and bottom wisdom teeth on that side of my mouth, which didn't actually feel like an option given how busy I am at work, or use a laser to cut away the gums that are being affected. I chose the latter, since it sounded simpler and with less complications.

That was 3 days ago, and I'm pretty confident that I chose THE WRONG OPTION. If anything it hurts even more (although at least I can now speak without too much issue, but eating anything other than soup is a disaster), and the back of my mouth looks like an arson scene. Sexy, I know.

Worst part? I'm heading up to the Blue Mountains for the long weekend tomorrow evening, and given it will be horribly cold I would normally spend the entire time eating shitty food. But now I have to bring CANS OF SOUP.

Hope you enjoyed my pity party.

Never Gets Old

I was totally bummed when I realized that I had tickets to see Janelle Monáe perform live at the Sydney Opera House on Sunday night, mostly because I usually would have stayed home and thrown a Eurovision Party.

Thankfully, the days leading up to the Grand Final give you a preview of even the countries that are so awful that they don't even make it to the last night, so I'm still across the awesomeness that is European 'culture'. Forget museums and ancient ruins, THIS is what Europe is all about in the 21st century:

Romania - So it's not particularly noteworthy, however it is a classic example of Eurovision in that it consists of a hot chick in a short/non-existent outfit singing a nonsensical song (have accounted for the English translation). Poorly. At one point she sits on a drum and I actually thought she might be mocking people in wheelchairs. And given the song is named "Mandinga", we should probably just hope she's not being racist. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGNmRkYZkk4

San Marino - Who says a Eurovision song can't have an important message? Apart from the fact that this song is about Facebook, I love that the subtitle is actually "Oh Oh Uh-Oh Oh". Here's a hint - if the subtitle of your song is both meaningless and makes me have to think about how it would be pronounced, you're not making it past the semi-finals. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7IoR_5HPQ0

Ireland - I despise the phenomenon that is Jedward, but it's their second year in a row at Eurovision and they're at least good for a laugh. What amazes me is that these two claim to be straight, despite all evidence to the contrary. I mean, why bother? Somehow I doubt anyone who buys their albums could possibly have an issue with homosexuality. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1cuimKLNpU

Russia - Last, but not least, we have the Russian Grannies, who I assume most people would have heard of even outside this contest. They're around 70 years old (but look closer to 95), some don't have teeth, and they sing dance music while BAKING ON STAGE. In case you haven't heard it yet, I give you "Party For Everybody".




And before you worry, I've already put Eurovision's 2013 date in my calendar to ensure that there's no way I'm missing it again next year. 'Party For Everybody' at my place, y'all.

I'm Fabulous. But I'm Evil.

I may be barrelling towards my mid-thirties, but let it never be said that I can't turn a professional work environment into the next instalment of Mean Girls at any age.

Related: DO NOT PISS ME OFF. Especially when you're stuck sitting directly next to me for the foreseeable future.