Young & Stupid Again For One Night

I should probably apologize for not blogging in two weeks. But I won't.

On Saturday we did a long lunch at Firefly, which we'd scheduled ages ago. We had all been looking forward to it, and thanks to brilliant weather and a festive mood, we got stuck into the wine right away.

Thanks to acquiring an ounce of common sense at some point in the last year, I don't sit around drinking wine for hours at a time anymore because it turns me into a complete moron. But I somehow forgot this relatively new rule on Saturday, and by 10pm I had run into a glass door and was having serious trouble walking. Hilarious for all my friends, not so much for me while suffering through flashbacks the next day. I'll just feel fortunate that by the time I had turned into a complete and utter retard, we were in the privacy of a friend's apartment and not out at a bar somewhere.

The scariest part is that it didn't take much for me to feel totally normal the next day, and I even got through another lunch on Sunday, although with significantly less wine this time. (The cognac went down a treat, though!)

In any case, I'm serious you guys, I am never drinking ever again until Thursday. And I mean it this time.

"Well I Guess I Need To Eat..."

We just had a really crappy long weekend here in Sydney, primarily due to the constant torrential downpours that are still making us miserable even though the work week has arrived. At least Mother Nature is a consistent bitch.

In any case, I hadn't planned much for the long weekend. Thanks to my continuing inability to sleep past 4am without the assistance of medication of some sort, I figured I wouldn't want to plan too much, and the only real event I agreed to attend was Newman's 30th birthday drinks.

So I went to drinks, and made it clear from the start that I was probably going to head home in a couple of hours when everyone else headed over to dinner. Of course when that time rolled around, and I was still on the fence, I was persuaded to at least get some food in my stomach. And several bottles of wine later, I agreed that I should at least be polite and have a drink at the next bar.

Given the fact that we started drinking around 5pm, I can attest to being shockingly drunk by the time I got home at some point after midnight. And after around 24 hours, my headache finally subsided. In case you were wondering, that much booze definitely did not help my sleeping habits. And as a general rule, I am never agreeing to eat dinner with a bunch of alcoholics again.

Why You're Single

I am a very active Facebook user. Some would say prolific. I post photos from pretty much anything remotely interesting that I do, and I mostly see my status updates as a perfect opportunity to judge everyone and everything around me. It's fun.

Of course, we all have those Facebook "friends" who overshare. And I don't mean the ones who post photos of their babies and pets. I mean the ones who don't seem to think there's anything inappropriate about letting us all know the rather intimate details of their personal lives.

And so, I thought I'd give you a taste of my favorite Facebook nutjob. We briefly worked together many years ago in New York, and she was one of the people who I added with the intention of removing after a while when I didn't think they'd notice. (See, I'm not totally heartless.) However, I quickly came to look forward to her ridiculous status updates profiling her divorce proceedings (yes, really) and whatever else she could contribute that was amazingly lacking in any sort of self-awareness.

Here are my top 10 status updates from only the last few weeks:

This is probably one of the less ridiculous things she's posted. Having said that, I'm not sure why everyone on Facebook would need to know the date her divorce papers were filed. (Also, I'm pretty sure you're not actually 'free' until the papers are processed and approved. But I won't nitpick.)

Did she just refer to herself as "young and beautiful"? Well, as long as you've convinced yourself, honey.

Or, just trying to avoid identity theft. But go on, continue stalking.

These are my favorites - the divorce settlement details. I mean the guy sounds like an absolute prick, but these status updates really make me feel like I understand why he left.

Nothing better than passive aggressive bitching about your friends on Facebook because they didn't want to hang out with your crazy ass. One guess as to what they think is annoying...

Wow, there was almost a tiny bit of self-awareness in this one! I wanted to give her a pat on the back when I read it.

This is a perfect example of over sharing. It sounds like something she meant to write in an email to a good friend she hasn't seen in a while...except it's on Facebook, for asshole strangers like myself to gawk at and hope that she's getting professional help.

I had assumed that she meant this as some sort of obvious double entendre. Then I read the comments where she sincerely told her friends that had absolutely no idea that people might interpret it in a dirty way. So either she's stupid and really didn't imagine it might sound pervy, or she's just completely insane. Maybe one of her other personalities wrote it.

Once again, lady, NOT FACEBOOK MATERIAL. Unless you're hoping to inspire hordes of hungry men to descend upon your doorstep. Knowing her, she's probably already posted her full address and phone number in a status update.

I really, really had to fight the urge to click "Like" on this one. Hopefully the ensuing comments on her status were enough to fill that empty void for the evening.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And folks, this is just from the last MONTH. Having said that, she's clearly heading out of divorce territory which means I may lose interest and finally delete her after a year of the crazy, but at least we had this chance to share.

I Want What He's Having

Just wanted to share this animated GIF that Emla was evil enough to curse me with - so far I find it impossible to look at it for any less than 27 seconds.




No, I will not pay your therapy bills.

Booze Metrics

I should have thought of this ages ago, but my new gauge to determine how good a night out was will be based on the number of people I can't remember who add me on Facebook the following day. This means that I was memorable, but in a good way.

Likewise, waking up in prison or to a number of your friends not speaking to you indicates the opposite.

In any case, Saturday night was apparently awesome.

Handy Man

I worked from home today in order to take care of a couple of things, including doing a self-installation of my upgraded cable box, and having a desk chair delivered and then assembling it.

This is a big deal, as anyone who knows me is familiar with the fact that I'm completely helpless when it comes to doing things around the house. When I was a kid I actually shorted out electricity for my entire building on the Upper East Side (apparently pulling a plug out by the cord isn't the way you're supposed to do it), and to this day I tend to call for maintenance for something as simple as a light bulb needing replacing.

In any case, the installation of the cable box wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be, despite involving far more cords than should be necessary in the 21st century. The chair, on the other hand, came with instructions that made IKEA's seem detailed and straight-forward. After struggling with what were only really three pieces for some 30 minutes, the chair is now as assembled as it's going to get, even if it wobbles at unfortunate angles.

So until that chair collapses in an embarrassing and painful fashion at some point, I'm feeling rather proud of myself with today's accomplishments. Now excuse me while I go have a beer and watch some sort of sporting event.

Breaking The Bank

The weekend ended up being bigger than planned. Went to a comedy charity event on Friday evening, which was fun, although I do have this bit of unsolicited advice for comedians - if you're performing at an event that raises money for sick children, doing a 10 minute bit that mocks people with disabilities probably isn't the way to go. (Even if I did find it hilarious.)

Saturday was booked for a lunch with a few friends, where a few of us spent a few minutes during our expensive lunch to discuss how being older has resulted in us preferring to spend $150 on a great meal with friends instead of dancing to loud music in a room full of a strangers. We then proceeded to spend the following 7 hours doing exactly that, so apparently being older just means we spend twice as much money.

And so, Sunday was recovery day, with an alcohol-free breakfast and an afternoon spent on the couch catching up on mediocre television programming. Because there's nothing that makes you feel better about boozing away an entire day of your life than forcing yourself to sit through recent episodes of Desperate Housewives while sober.

Photo Analysis Session

I've spent much of this week putting together my photo albums from the recent trip. I'll refrain from posting everything here as well, but given the theme of this blog is supposed to be boozing, I thought I'd throw one photo from each of my two drunkest nights out and we can mock the results.

London, Royal Wedding Eve

In our infinite wisdom, we started drinking on this Friday at around 1pm. From Pimm's to wine to beer. This was around 2am, long after we'd forgotten to eat dinner. Needless to say, we were rather hungover for the wedding the next morning, and ended up passed out in bed by 9pm. At least this photo is evidence that we thought we were having fun at the time.

Hong Kong, Trashy Night Out

I can only distance myself from these "ladies" by saying that they were friends of a friend of a friend. I don't know their names. But they are clearly at the level of inebriation where one thinks they are looking a lot sexier than they are in reality. Not that anyone has ever looked cool dancing on a table outside of a well-edited music video.

* * * * * * * * * * 

I'll be quite honest, the rest of the trip was relatively tame. I've unfortunately started to drink like more of an adult lately (my previous post on last weekend should be ignored to make that sound more believable) and so nights of drinking until 2am generally remained rather civilized. Go figure.

Early Bird Special

Went down the coast this weekend for Hickster's 30th birthday celebrations (belated, since I was busy being fabulous in Europe on the actual day). It was great fun and generally relaxing, although it may have involved the following:

• Friday night dance party
• Shots of Cafe Patron
• Hideous amounts of snacking
• One walk on the beach outside the house
• Drinking all afternoon on a Saturday
• Playing drinking games (Circle of Death) at 5pm
• A pre-dinner dance party
• Falling on Seedy Pete in the midst of pre-dinner dance party/photo shoot
• A Saturday night dinner that I don't remember...at all
• Passing out before 9pm on the couch
• Sunday morning exhaustion
• A three hour drive home
• More drinks on Sunday afternoon on a friend's terrace because I'm a moron who has no respect for my body

In short, the post-European holiday recovery and detox isn't going so well.

New Fatty In Town

Well I'm back in Sydney after a fantastic holiday. Unfortunately that means I am exhausted and a little bit fat. Actually more than a little bit. I may as well have strapped chicken schnitzels to the sides of my torso. I'm so fat that I tried to run my usual 5km this morning, and only made it about 3km before my left foot started to hurt and I needed to go home. At this rate, I should be back to my previous level of fitness in around 2018. Brilliant.

Photos and stories to follow in the coming weeks, once I have fought off the recurring desire to eat 6 full meals a day.

Happy Eas...Oh Wait

And Today's Theme Song Is...

Sorry, given today's travel plans I just can't get this one out of my head.

Quieter Than Usual

Off on another holiday again, because life is tough like that.

I'm heading straight out to Brittany when I get to France, which is a damn shame considering I wouldn't mind living in Paris, and yet I'll only be there for about an hour to catch a train tomorrow. The itinerary also includes Berlin, London, and even Hong Kong, because it's not a vacation until you've been a complete dick on at least two continents before heading home.

In any case, blog posts are likely to be few and far between, so either read up on the classics (I often love to remember what a drunken moron I was back in the day) or just come back in a few weeks when I'm back home and partially sobered up.

Clearly Idiots Have No Trouble Finding Jobs

It amazes me that in times of such high unemployment in the developed countries of the world, that I can still come across really stupid shit like this:

I mean seriously, what is that first character? An 'x'? An upside down 'y'? Perhaps something borrowed from Ancient Greek.

In any case, I want this person fired. Immediately.

It's Hard Being Popular

This week is stressing me out. Once again, nothing work related. It's just the fact that some 8 people I know have birthdays this week, which leads to a lot of dinners, lunches, drinks, and parties for people aged anywhere between 1 and 60. (According to Facebook I actually have about 23 "friends" who have birthdays this week, but I suppose that sort of thing isn't so unlikely to happen when I accept friend requests from people I haven't seen or talked to since I was five foot seven and didn't see anything wrong with wearing black tapered jeans in broad daylight.)

In the end it's great to see everyone and be social. But even if I look like I'm chatting and dancing and having a great time, please be aware that an unusual amount of my consciousness is really just wondering what the hell it is about June and July that apparently makes so many people want to have unprotected sex.

A Broken Man

My weekend wasn't that crazy or anything, just busy and involving a decent amount of drinking and not nearly enough sleep. It's barely noon and I am so ready to crawl under my desk and take a nap.

The most interesting thing that probably happened though was that I had a baby in my apartment for the first time:

She was asleep not long after arriving - passed out, I can only imagine, from inhaling all of the alcohol that must be infused into my carpet by now.

Mmmm...Sacrelicious

The photos from a week ago should really have my blog covered for offending religions for the year, but I had to share this billboard advertising "Hell Cross Buns" at a chain in New Zealand:

Personally, I love it. I'm guessing not everyone does though.

And in other reasons to love New Zealand, I didn't realize they had actually banned fat people from immigrating to the country. That is just fantastic - go kiwis!

Keepin' It Classy

Franz was back in town from London last night and we went out for dinner to celebrate his birthday, which I had naively assumed would be the end of the night.

Naturally we all ended up at karaoke hosted by a drag queen, and around 1am I was singing "I Want It That Way" in front of the entire bar. Awesome. Although the karaoke highlight was probably Stranger getting up to sing Jesse's Girl - but forgetting all the words, apparently not being able to read the lyrics, and failing to understand how a microphone works as he held to his ear or some other part of his body that wasn't actually emitting anything that might sound like singing.

Fortunately I was sensible enough to head home before 2am - the others didn't, and now Juice is nowhere to be found, and Franz has admitted to throwing up at the next bar.

Just like old times, really.

Found: Our Spots in Hell

This past weekend was the long-awaited LOST party. In a bit of a throwback to the 90s and rave dance parties, you only get told where this party will be a couple of hours before the actual event. And the theme for this one was "Lost at the Altar", basically a wedding theme.

We knew the party was going to be hectic in an awesome way, but nothing really prepared us for the fact that everyone seemed ready to get hammered (or already there) from the moment we got there around 3pm, and it only got better (worse?) from there on out. All I can really do is let a few of the photos tell the story.

I decided to go as a hipster priest - with tight black shorts, hipster shoes that also look like something a poor religious person would wear, and sunglasses. Throw in a cross hanging in front of my crotch and I was set. (The 'stache was just for effect, it didn't make it out of my apartment.)

 The creativity was pretty impressive with some costumes:

Not so much for all of them though:

I'm not sure what's more appalling - the fact that the dude on the left is definitely in blackface so that he could be Usher, or the fact that it literally took me about 36 hours to make the connection between Usher and a wedding theme:

And this pretty much sums up how the night ended - because I have no idea who these people are, and I certainly don't remember hanging out with them, yet we have about a dozen photos together:

Alas, I'm really not sure I will go to any more of these parties. It was one of the best days I've had in a while, but it's also Tuesday and I'm not entirely sure I've fully recovered. Also, the the photos suggest that I need not do anything else beyond this party to earn a pretty cozy spot in hell, so really why put in the effort.

Wondering Where to Drink in Sydney? Some Bar Recommendations For You

One of the questions I'm asked most often (other than "Why are you such an asshole?") is where people should go and get hammered. Even with colleagues I barely know, I seem to have a bit of a reputation for being a hard core boozer who is disturbingly familiar with the bar scene in Sydney. As such, I tend to keep a list of bars handy that I can just forward around to people, and I figured why not share it here since I really have nothing of interest to blog about today.

Click on the map to see where all of the bars are, and my personal thoughts on each one are listed below.


View Recommended Bars in Sydney in a larger map

Pocket Bar – Easily one of my favourites, and easier to find than some of the others, always end up chatting to cool people here

The Commons – Same strip as Pocket Bar, with a great wine list and some good cocktails. I find it a bit dark and maybe too mellow for my liking, but everyone else seems to love it

Shady Pines Saloon – I was skeptical about this place when I was told it had a American western theme, but it’s really laid back and attracts a cool crowd (should warn you it’s almost impossible to find, but it’s a stone’s throw from Pocket Bar)

Sticky Bar – Ridiculously cool place, also somewhat difficult to find as the unmarked entrance is down an alley (unless you try to get in through the entrance to Table for 20 on Campbell St, but they don’t like that), and the bar staff are highly entertaining

Winery – Definitely more mainstream than any of the others but it’s still quality. You’ll definitely see more attitude here, but the good food and people watching might be worth it

Ching-a-lings – Great place but important to note it’s a bar you don’t really go to until after 9pm, otherwise it’ll be half empty. There’s even an outdoor area in the back (which is great to grab a table if you show up early). Oh and even though the address is on “Little Oxford St” laneway, you actually enter through a door labeled ‘Urban Tanning’ on Oxford St just up the street from the Colombian. (First time we tried to find it we ended up in some dingy brothel – awkward)

Hunky Dory Social Club – Currently my favourite new bar in Sydney, they have a great outdoor area on the top floor, and the level below is decent as well and has a good balcony. (There’s also an Italian restaurant at street level but I don’t know enough people that have eaten there to say if it’s any good.) Note: Top floor closes at 10pm, and despite the awesome music and dancing, the bar closes at midnight. Fringe Bar isn’t too far up Oxford Street if you want to keep dancing and make it a late one

Lo-Fi – This one is the old ‘Middle Bar’, above Kinsela’s. They’ve given it a lot more character than it had before, and the music is great if you’re into old school hip hop and R&B. Lots of space and a great balcony that overlooks Taylor Square. There was an art gallery on the top floor but not sure if it’s open at the moment

Eau-de-Vie – Hidden in the back of the ground floor of the Kirketon Hotel (you actually have to go through doors that seem to be to the restrooms), they have great cocktails and service. Pretty pricey though, so bring plenty of cash or credit

The Passage – Very chill early on, but fills up eventually. Great Spanish tapas to snack on as well. Has three sections with different feels to it: the restaurant, the bar, and the lounge in between. Long and narrow, you can enter from either Darlinghurst Rd or Victoria St

Love, Tilly Devine – Tiny place down a couple of alleyways off William Street, great wine selection (the staff are really good with recommendations too), and didn’t try the food but it looked and smelled great 

Grasshopper – This one is actually in the city but has the Melbourne laneway bar feel to it. Only drawback is that there isn’t really anywhere similar nearby to go (other than maybe Small Bar on Erskine St), so you often stumble into somewhere awful like the Ivy afterwards. Note: The food upstairs is BRILLIANT, you’ll need a reservation though

Grandma’s – A newer addition to the small city bars, it’s small (and probably too crowded on Friday nights to be honest), but has a great vibe and really friendly staff. Good music as well, and I recommend the punch