Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Me Love You Long Time

Emily and I are finally off to Thailand this morning, and I've been informed that odds are 64% that I'll end up dead or in a Thai prison. Exciting.

While we're licking cheap Asian whiskey off even cheaper 14-year old hooker ass, I don't want anyone to get bored, so here are your options:

1) Check out some of our shining moments from the past 2 months, including the inaugural post and the updates, the night Emily broke her face and the updates for that night as well, and maybe even the time I made fun of AA.

2) Keep up with Vicki, the other Zander, and this guy Craig who are all brilliant.

3) Weep silently to yourself until I return.

I really like choice #3 so let me know if you pick that one, and I'll be back in mid-January with herpes and bird flu for everyone!

Monday, December 27, 2004

I Believe The Children Are Our Future

Yesterday, like millions of others around the world, my family gathered in the name of capitalism, greed, and Santa's birthday. By the time I'd finished opening my gifts I'd already downed two beers and was looking for another.

Eventually we headed over to a gathering at a family friend's place where an adorable little 5-year old named David made the stupid mistake of asking me if I wanted to play his new board game with him. And of course when I'm drinking/drunk I am the most competitive person ever. Even if you're five.

So I totally killed him in the first game, and he looked surprised (has someone been letting this kid win?). After a victory lap around the room that included dirty looks from his parents and assorted other adults, we played another game where once again, I demolished him, and this time he even had help from his 8-year old sister.

Was about to start my second victory lap when he started pointing at me and yelling "Cheater!". Which yeah I totally was, but it's not like the little bastard could prove it. So I started pointing and yelling "Liar!" right back at him. His parents tried to say something about going easy on him because he's 5, but I mumbled something being SO much smarter than their kids and wandered off towards the food.

Hmm now that I read this over one time I'm not sure if this is more about my drinking or my ridiculous immaturity, but I think they're related so I'll keep going.

So yeah, Christmas rocked. And today is Boxing Day which for those who aren't familiar with the history of the United Kingdom, came about because the British needed yet another excuse to drink. Bless them.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

He's Making A List...

...and if this picture is any indication, that list includes Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels...

Friday, December 24, 2004

Well Folks, It's Been Fun

Yesterday my mother finally made it to my blog and read the entire thing.

No comments yet, which probably means she's saving it all for the holiday weekend when we're drunk and there are spectators. Or witnesses, as I like to think of them.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

So Much For My Break

Merely hours after proclaiming that I was taking a 3 day break from drinking, I decided that white wine would go great with my three hour lunch.

And who was I really kidding anyway?

And Joining Me In Hell...

After almost a week of mercilessly punishing my liver for crimes it did not commit, I've decided to take a break from drinking until Christmas Eve. And yes, I'm aware that's only a three day break, so fuck off.

In the meantime, it's good to know that some lovely ladies out there are carrying the torch. I've changed the names to protect the assholes.

Floozy: OMG!

Floozy: do u remember walking down the street and hitting that girls crutches!!

Boozy: WHAT

Floozy: holy shit

Floozy: u were like tryin to run down the street and u kept smacking awnings and hitting trashcans

Floozy: and these 2 girls were sitting at this restaurant outside with a pair of crutches leaning against the railing

Floozy: HAHA

Floozy: and u smacked em

Floozy: and knocked em over

Boozy: omg what did the people do

Floozy: they just looked at u like what the fuck, and u kept right on running...haaa, and i say "sorry she didn't mean it"

Boozy: LOL

Boozy: haa....im like out of control

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Now It All Makes Sense

Vicki was kind enough to find out who the hell I was IMing with last week. Which is good cause I've always loved nightmares. Thanks, V.

Cure For What Ails Ya

After 5 straight days of boozing I had a very sore throat and I was worried it might develop into something worse. So I did what any responsible drinker would do. I started Monday night off with a glass of scotch. Oh wait did I say responsible drinker? I meant responsible drunk. Either way, my throat felt awesome after just a few sips.

Unfortunately the second stop of the night was an apartment party where no scotch seemed to be available so I just had cranberry-vodkas, since there's like vitamins and stuff in cranberry juice, right? I didn't have time to check the label...

Amazing how there are such good things to be found in alcoholic beverages, eh? If you're having any health problems feel free to email me and I'll let you know what you should be drinking this winter.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Holiday Spirits

Yesterday my mom wanted me to come over in my hungover state to help decorate the Christmas tree.

And if by decorate the Christmas tree she meant drink my scotch and pass out on the couch, then I think we were both really satisfied with the way things worked out.

Do They Think I'm Trashy Yet?

First stop on Saturday night was a co-worker's birthday party. Thought I'd give you guys a few tips on how to proceed in case you find yourself in a similar situation:
  • If the party starts at 11, begin drinking at 8. Obviously.
  • Only drink 100 proof vodka. Half a bottle, if you have it.
  • When you arrive at the bar, loudly exclaim "WHO THE FUCK ARE THOSE OLD PEOPLE?"
  • A friend may decide to introduce herself to people she doesn't know as a lesbian. Let her.
  • If one of your friends bends the other over and starts simulating a sex act, cheer them on.
  • If one of your friends straddles the other and starts simulating a sex act, cheer a little louder.
  • Shove your face in your friend's crotch repeatedly. Because that's funny, even when it becomes apparent that no one else got the memo.
  • After 90 minutes, stumble away while half-assedly saying goodbye to all of your co-workers.

Seriously though, what about that promotion?

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Who Keeps Inviting Me To These Things?

Confirming that Emily does not read my blog very carefully, she made the grievous error of taking me to her company holiday party last night. We met up with Cristin and Jordan and made a rather lame attempt to pretend to eat before we started inhaling alcohol.

Not sure how everyone else at the party felt about me walking around with blinking lights on my nipples all night, but I could tell they loved this conversation:

Emily's Co-worker: So how long are you guys going to Thailand for?
Emily: We're going for about--

We spent most of the night wandering between the "club" room and the "swing" room, dancing like total assmonkeys in both (Jordan = Best. Dancer. Ever.), and taking breaks to cram all four of us into photo booths so we could immortalize the evening forever.

Quote of the night: Cristin telling me "I read your blog. I know you're not a good person."

Now if you'll excuse me, I should eat something before the boozing begins again at 8.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Come To The Party, But Don't Have Fun

As everyone was gearing up for the company holiday party last night, we seriously got this email from HR:
Although we want everyone to have fun, we just wanted to remind everyone that this is a business affair and you should behave appropriately. If you are interested, here is a helpful link I found about office parties. http://www.applesforhealth.com/busetiq1.html

We all clicked on the link and found ourselves looking at a tutorial on how to behave at a holiday party. Apparently you should mentally replace the word "holiday" with "funeral" and you're all set.

So let's take a look at how I did, starting with number 10 since not only was it the most ridiculous, but it led to any other "mistakes" I might have made.

Mistake No. 10: "Don't have more than two alcoholic beverages and better yet, don't drink at all."

That's cute. Really. Of course I had my two alcoholic beverages within twenty minutes and kept going (lost count after the fourth shot of tequila), and then went around telling everyone that I had already made mistake #10, but I appreciate the suggestion.

Mistake No. 9: The College Bash. Using some of the speech and behavior allowed in college can show immaturity.

So suggesting keg stands and attempting to wear one of the tablecloths as a toga wasn't the right thing to do? Noted. I will totally remember that for 2005.

Mistake No. 8: Hanky-panky. No longer is an office party an excuse for employees to become intimate.

Okay, but we all know this one doesn't count if they're really hot.

Mistake No. 7: About My Pay. An employee who raises pay or other personal issues at a company party is marked as a person who does not understand what is and is not appropriate at social events.

Now this one was easy to avoid since everyone including myself knows damn well that I'm not even worth my current salary.

Mistake No. 6: Who's the Boss? It is amazing, but some young professionals do not introduce themselves to senior managers at a company party.

And what better way to introduce yourself to that Vice President you haven't met than "Hey you, wanna do a shot?"

Mistake No. 5: Me, Me, Me. Kennedy says self-centered young professionals will have trouble working in teams with others...and co-workers and bosses pick up on this.

I have to admit this was a serious problem, not only because I'm the most awesome person I know (and who wouldn't want to talk about that?) but because many of my coworkers are so boring that several times I considered sticking one of the toothpicks through my cornea just so I'd have something else to focus on.

Mistake No. 4: The Business-talking Bore. Some young professionals let ambition drive them. They don't know how to enjoy conversation unless it is only about business.

Ha. Funny because a) I just had to look up the meaning of "ambition" and b) I don't even talk about work IN the office. So I pretty much managed to avoid this one, unless yelling "HEY MARKETING, WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH?!" across the room counts.

Mistake No. 3: T-shirts and Sandals. Inappropriate dress at an office party draws attention, but the wrong kind.

Then you guys are sooo lucky my crotchless jeans were retired earlier this week, and I just wore my "FRIENDLY WHEN DRUNK" t-shirt to work a a few days ago.

Mistake No. 2: Forgetting the Boss is Watching. Senior managers pay attention to how people handle themselves at corporate events.

Hmm. So melodramatically exclaiming to the head of HR "Oh DEAR. I think someone over there just broke rule number SIX!" wasn't the right thing to do?

Mistake No. 1: The Blow-off. The biggest error is not going to an office party that is a "must-attend" event.

And after all of that I bet you wish you had left this one off the list, cause I didn't really wanna go in the first place anyway.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Tragedy Strikes

I regret to inform everyone that my infamous "jeans with the holes in the crotch" are officially out of commission. They did not survive the latest machine-washing, and are officially "crotchless pants" at this point. Please, a moment of silence to remember how well these jeans embodied my own trashiness. Thank you.

Jeans With The Holes In The Crotch, 2002-2004


...For Richer And For Drunker...

Yesterday my mother and her longtime boyfriend got married (purely for legal and tax reasons, she assured me), and surprisingly the drunken star of the day wasn't in the family.

While we were waiting outside the 'chapel' with a nice, well-dressed young couple beside us, a charming caucasian woman with disheveled hair, baggy pink sweatpants, and what appeared to be the latest fashions from the Salvation Army winter line practically stumbled out of an office nearby. Spotting the young bride, she actually started yelling as she walked away, "Aww yeah you look so happy now. WELL IT AIN'T GONNA LAST. And you look so pretty. JUST WAIT TIL YOU GET PREGNANT!!"

Ah well, such are the perils of getting married at City Hall with the riffraff.


Once the official stuff was over, we headed to a nice restaurant nearby, and spent 3 hours boozing, eating, boozing some more, and joking about how many foxes probably died to make my mother's new coat. Of course by the time it was over I was too canned to go to back to work, even though it was only a few blocks away, so I went home, no one realizing that I still had the marriage certificate in my bag. You know that shit is gonna be used as a coaster for a vodka tonic by Saturday night.

Sidenote: So typical of my family that the wedding itself cost $35, and the alcoholic lunch afterwards probably cost a good $2000. We're real sentimental folk.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Conversations With St. Nick, Pt. II

Even though the last time didn't work out so well, I figured I would give Santa another shot -- I mean fat people are supposed to have good personalities and everything to make up for being fat, right? Unfortunately, things took another turn for the worse...

Zander: do you wanna get a drink?

SantaClaus: Don't you know already?


SantaClaus: I could tell you, but that would spoil all of the fun.

Zander: seriously, are you flirting with me?

SantaClaus: Well that's hard to say. Ask an elf.

Zander: i knew you had a midget fetish or something, why don't you just admit you're a fat perv?

SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?

Zander: and i bet after a few sips of the ol whisky those reindeer start to look pretty good

SantaClaus: Oh dear.

Zander: you know what, fuck you santa

SantaClaus: I don't respond to that kind of language.

Zander: suck it.

SantaClaus: Well, that's it. I'm sorry, I cannot instant message with you any longer.

Zander: what? santa? hello?

SantaClaus: Santa is no longer signed on to IM.


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

And So The Holiday Parties Begin...

Sometimes I think that all of these holiday parties are some conspiracy to weed out the alcoholics and addicts within the organization. For example, an email from a friend about last night:

had my holiday party. open bar. lost $50, my gold bracelet and woke up with a coworker in my bed. and that's all i remember.

i think i offered to jump out of my boss' birthday cake naked. holy crap. how do i still have a job.

I doubt I'll come anywhere close to that at my company party on Thursday night, but here's hoping. Although I think this story from another Zander's blog (confusing, I know) takes the cake:

...when I was pulling out of the Government Center parking garage, I saw what I thought was a body on the corner, surrounded by police and an ambulance. When the light changed and I got closer, I saw that it was my co-worker, passed out in a pool of his own vomit. Alcohol poisoning. He spent the night in Mass General.

Now that's just dumb. But funny, cause it's not me.

Thanks, I Was Wondering If I Served Any Purpose In Life

Emily: hey -- can you put an ad on your blog for me?

Zander: ??

Emily: i have a 40 in my fridge i want to give away

Emily: to the first taker

Zander: what on earth are you talking about

Emily: i have 40 ounces of malt liquor

Emily: in my fridge

Emily: we will never drink it

Emily: and i'd like to post a classified on your blog for someone to take it

Zander: . . .

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Save Money This Holiday Season!

Sorry, but this is the funniest thing ever. Especially if you're evil (and a little bit drunk) like me.

Crackheads Represent

Reasons why everyone on Saturday night must have thought we were on some hardcore drugs:

  • Emily and I trashing the Christmas decorations (breaking candy canes, pounding the walls, tearing down ribbons) simply because we could

  • [A friend who will remain unnamed] lying on her back with her legs in the air, demanding someone give her something, anything, so she could demonstrate her ability to pop objects out of her cooch

  • Emily and I starting a water fight which resulted in me getting soaking wet, as well as some slightly damp and really pissed off bystanders

  • Phil wearing an orange turtleneck with short sleeves (as in an orange turtleneck with short sleeves) that only someone on some serious acid would have thought was a good idea (sorry, dude)

  • Jessica pointing at a guy she had just met 4 minutes earlier, yelling "Somebody get this stiff a drink!"

  • Did I mention this was a house party where we didn't know anyone?

This night was made possible by my brother and the 100 proof bottle of Stoli he gave me for my birthday. You idiot.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Alas, So True

Zander: dude no one's going out tonight cause of the rain or something

Joe: yeah, i'm not going out either

Zander: that's lame, i was ready to get drunk

Joe: you're not going out then?

Zander: nope, just gonna party it up tomorrow i guess

Joe: and what will you write about in your blog now...

Joe: nothing!

Zander: jerk.


Conversations With St. Nick

I was alerted to the fact that Santa Claus himself is on IM. I'm sure some people think it's just some automated IM bot that doesn't actually understand what you're saying, but my Christmas spirit came through and we had a nice chat...

Zander: what's UP dude

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AIM! So, have you been naughty or nice?*

Zander: very very naughty

SantaClaus: Oh dear! Well, there is still time to get on my good list.

Zander: uh right...SO...wanna get a drink?

SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type 'music', maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit

Zander: listen, let's be serious...i doubt a chubs like you gets the chance to go out and party very often, so why don't we hit up a few bars?

SantaClaus: It depends if Christmas is coming or not

Zander: but you have all that midget slave labor to build the toys, let's hang out

SantaClaus: Oh my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?

Zander: heh...mouthful...i always knew you were a perv, sneaking into kids bedrooms and all that

SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read.

Zander: so you're fat AND stupid

SantaClaus: Well, I am trying to learn.

*His lame attempts to sell me goods and services have been removed from the transcript

Alcoholic Math

In case anyone other than Emily is interested in this stuff, here's one for you...

Jessica X 6 drinks + 0 dinner = Beligerence.

Evidence: After 4 vodka drinks and 2 beers on an empty stomach, Jessica spots a man in a PITT (University of Pittsburgh, for the uninformed) sweatshirt. She then begins yelling "SHIT ON PITT! SHIT ON PITT!" for entirely too long, until not only does the guy take his sweatshirt off, but the bartender tells her to shut the fuck up.

Similarly: Zander X 6 drinks + 0 dinner = Me barely getting to work in time for my 10am meeting.

Friday, December 10, 2004

My Mom Could Have Told Me That

What kind of drunk are you?

Sloppy Drunk

You are a liability in public places, because you tend to elbow glasses, knock into wobbly tables and back into waitresses holding full pitchers. You probably wake up in the mornings wondering where you got all those bruises. You're embarrassing, but amusing to watch as well.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Pretty accurate. Although I haven't knocked over any waitresses in weeks.

Thanks For Sharing

Just received another reader review on Blogorama and thought I'd comment on all of them so far...

Rated 10 on Monday, 22 November 2004 -- Hilarious. Although for the sake of his body I hope he's exaggerating about at least some of it! Rated by Elaine

No Elaine, I'm not exaggerating at all. And please, don't worry about my body. I don't!

Rated 9 on Wednesday, 24 November 2004 -- pretty damn funny, loses a point for being a total idiot, but gets 9 for being an entertaining moron. Rated by Adam

Thanks Adam. And oh yeah, fuck you. Next time I want a 10.

Rated 10 on Wednesday, 08 December 2004 -- I love readind the drunksploitations and makes me know that there's someone out there who drinks more than I do thereby making me feel better about myself. And really, isn't that what we all need? Rated by rosey

Hold on there a second Rosey, don't go feeling all better about yourself just yet. In case you haven't been keeping up, I'm actually rather awesome and devastatingly handsome. And in case you need me to knock you down another notch, I eat whatever I want, never go to the gym, and don't gain a pound.

If any more of you wonderful readers want to review or comment on my blog, just click here and I'm sure I'll have an opportunity to berate you within the next few months. Cheers!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

It Could Happen To You

As we approach the season for office celebrations and the like, I thought I'd offer up my favorite cautionary tale, in the hopes that anyone reading will learn something, and be careful with how much alcohol they consume in the presence of their coworkers.

Aw who am I kidding, I love to hear about you guys fucking up. But this is too classic not to share...

The Culprit: Young assistant media buyer

The Scene: Fox upfront party at NYC restaurant The Boathouse

The Incident: A girl who was apparently fresh out of college and relatively new to the media scene attended a Fox party where she proceeded to bring new meaning to the word shit-faced. She got absolutely hammered, fell down and cut her leg open, threw up, and then passed out on a white leather couch where she then shit herself. The girl had to be carted away by paramedics.

As you can imagine, on this morning in late May 2004, I pushed aside all of the important work I do each day (haha I almost typed that without laughing) and followed this story very closely via Defamer and Gawker. See their very serious journalism at work here and here.

There's a lesson to be learned here kids, and that lesson is: It Really Sucks To Be Her.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

"Do you drink?"

Had to go get my foot x-rayed and checked yesterday to make sure I won't be a gimp for life. Actual conversation with a doctor while he was asking me the standard questions:

Doctor: So, do you drink?

Zander: Uh, yes.

Doctor: What, just on special occasions and stuff?

Zander: Those too...

Doctor: So you're a social drinker?

[Zander remains silent, hoping that 'binge drinker', 'drunk' or 'functional alcoholic' might be the next option, without having to say it himself]

Doctor: Okay, then social drinker. Any history of heart problems in your family...

[Zander breathes a sigh of relief]

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Birthday Present from Gawker

Gawker has been kind enough to give me a belated birthday present in the form of publishing me and Vicki's Tony Danza spotting in the latest edition of Gawker Stalker:

Grabbed drinks with a friend at the Tribeca Grand Hotel last night, when all five foot six of Tony Danza strolled in with a chick who we agreed was maybe better looking than 50% of the population, but not nearly hot enough for someone of his legendary fame and stature. He pretended not to hear us singing the 'Who's The Boss' theme song a couple times in a row and making references to 'She's Outta Control' -- he's a good sport.

That is totally C-list fame by association, eat your hearts out!

When The Pimp's In Da Crib Ma, Drop It Like It's Hawwt...

So Saturday night was my big birthday bash at Flow with 80 of my closest friends. Everyone was actually pretty well-behaved, but keep in mind this is all relatively speaking.

Started the night at my place (see picture) where I insisted on wearing my "Rock Out With Yer Cock Out" trucker hat, "Without ME it's just AWESO" t-shirt, and my trashy jeans with the holes in the crotch. Jess said I looked like Paris Hilton, which is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me, since I've always wanted to be a stupid spoiled whore just like her, as everyone knows.

We had our standard drunken subway ride into the city, complete with Jess telling a woman with a baby that she wanted to have brown babies just like hers, and Emily chasing a huge rat around the platform.

I've attempted to narrow my summary of the rest of the night down to the 10 most notable things about my birthday:

10) Bex biting me (for no apparent reason)

9) Olga's conversation with my brother's girlfriend...

Olga: Are you half Asian?
GF: No.
Olga: Oh. That's too bad.

8) My brother's friend deciding it was a good idea to just grab a beer from the neighboring table, almost starting a fight with some mongoloids who were definitely on the wrong side of the Hudson River

7) Playing with Domini's titties

6) Playing with Olga's titties

5) Olga biting me (this ranks higher because she left a nasty bruise)

4) Olga to my friend Liran: "You're not Jewish, you're blond."

3) My amazing lack of tact...

Friend: Uh actually, I was breaking up with my girlfriend.
Zander: Um...

2) Bex booting in the champagne bucket...and then denying that this had happened until the bartender came over and said "Hi I just saw you throw up in the champagne bucket. Please don't do that."

...and the #1 thing about my birthday celebration was...

1) Playing with Domini's titties.

There were other things, like one guest kicking another in the face and what not, but we expect that to heal pretty nicely, so it didn't make the list. Click here for plenty of pictures (login/registration possibly required, but definitely worth it)

Woke up feeling like ass, so naturally my first drink at brunch with my family contained champagne, Bombay Gin AND Creme de Cassis. A couple of bottles of wine later, my mom says "Oh, try and keep 1pm on the 15th free, Fred and I are going to get married." Thanks for the heads up, mother!

Monday, December 06, 2004

So What Are They Trying To Say?

What I've received for my birthday so far:

  • 50 mL bottle of Stoli (perfect for those late night subway rides
  • 750 mL bottle of 100 proof Stoli (perfect, in general)
  • A "How Drunk" set of 6 coasters with definitions of the different stages of drinking -- Sober, Tipsy, Plastered, Drunk, Shit-faced, and Hungover
  • A birthday card implying that I will die young due to my alcohol abuse (from family friends, no less!)
  • Large amounts of money -- which will inevitably be used to buy booze

Proper update on the big birthday bash coming soon, once someone tells me what happened.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Birthday Week Celebration Continues...

Well, I'm still way too hungover to write a coherent post, but just wanted to send a few messages out to people before we all start drinking again in 3 hours:

Note to Jess -- Acting out very graphic lesbian sex on the dance floor does not count as a dance routine. Stop it.

Note to Domini -- Remember when I was acting all drunk and obnoxious and told you that your titties better be on full display for my big bash tonight? Well I was dead serious. We better see those puppies out and proud or you're not getting past the bouncer.

Note to Self -- There are more appropriate times to tell everyone's favorite retard joke ("What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics?") than while running drunkenly through a busy intersection. Show some sensitivity.

Note to Random Bouncer -- In case you were wondering what's #1 on the List of Things You Don't Say to a Girl You Just Met, I can assure you that it's your line: "If you went on a date with me you'd wake up with a burning asshole." No, seriously.

Note to Vicki -- Somehow I'm pretty sure you're the only person who could elicit that response from a bouncer.

Note to Emily -- Quit trying to stick your finger in my butt. In public, anyway. Woof.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Maybe He's Got A Point

Zander: yeah i want to save my energy for tomorrow
Zander: don't wanna burn out
Phil: and so you're starting at 9 at Jess's house
Phil: good plan
Phil: a) whenever you start before 10 - bad news
Phil: b) whenever you pour own drinks - worse news
Zander: i don't think i'm gonna drink on the subway though!
Phil: rrrriiiiiiiggghhhhtt....
Phil: not convinced, sorry...
Phil: but if keeping your alcohol consumption only to places where you're legally allowed to consume it means "saving your energy," then go right ahead

"Hold me close, young Tony Danza"

Met up with Vicki to grab drinks and dinner (w/ more drinks) after work. First stop was the Tribeca Grand Hotel, where moments after we sat down, Tony Danza walked in with some not-hot-at-all chick and sat down nearby.

Vicki promptly started belting out "Hold me close, young Tony Danza..." as well as a few Who's The Boss impressions. Her? From out of town? Nooo.

Then headed to some cheesy Italian place in Little Italy and had some cheap white wine with our dinner. Vicki claimed to not be drunk at all, so I guess we have to chalk the following conversation up to being dumb:

Me: She's really cool.
Vicki: So I've heard!
Me: Yeah.
Vicki: Wait, you've never met her??
Me: Huh? Of course I've met her. You're the one who said "so I've heard".
Vicki: Oh. Right.

The night ended with a subway ride home, where some kids were about to get into a fight because some were Puerto Ricans and some were Dominicans. Obviously.

And in the end, isn't that the great thing about New York? All the racial harmony? And Tony Danza?

Friday, December 03, 2004

Ah, The Memories

Sorry, felt the need to post this.

I just love this picture from the night Emily had to get stitches. This is only moments before the blessed incident, where we have Emily who is clearly canned, on the subway, clutching a plastic bottle of Ruby Red Vodka, and harassing some unsuspecting teen on the subway.

Pure class.

Colin Farrell = Awesome

I know what you're thinking. No, he's not awesome, because his movies suck. I was one of the unlucky few who saw 'Alexander' this weekend, thinking that it couldn't really be as bad as everyone was saying, and I was so so wrong. I would rather have screws drilled into my forehead, or even go a week without drinking before having to sit through that mess again.

Having said all that he's my hero otherwise, as evidenced by this quote from Oliver Stone on their first encounter:

“The first meeting was a disaster. [Farrell] was a skinny little Dublin boy, drunk as a skunk — breaking glasses in the restaurant, with his hand on my thigh the whole time. I couldn’t stand him."

I can't wait until I have the balls to show up to major job interviews completely smashed, break shit, and grope my interviewer. And STILL get the job. Rock on, Colin. Just don't make any more movies.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Birthday Week Begins...

A pretty quiet kickoff for my birthday week. Met up with a few people for happy hour after work, and we were all uncharacteristically mellow. Oh wait, except for friend Vicki, in town from St. Louis. With no dinner and 4 apple martinis, she was about as hyper as a hummingbird on crack.

Shining moment: Vicki yelling at another bar patron (about baseball?), hitting said bar patron, and when he buys her a drink, spilling half the drink all over the newspaper he was attempting to read. Nice.

Vicki, New York welcomes you with open arms. Well, at least the drunks do.